Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Fear & Loathing in Nashvegas...

Speaking of loathing, I LOATHE when people call Nashville "Nashvegas"...I've been to Nashville (obviously) and I've been to Vegas (and proudly spent $1 the whole three days I was there...and no, not as in I was only down $1 after all of my gambling...I mean that I only paid $1 for one slot machine just so I could say I gambled and everything else was covered) and although both cities have an affinity for boots and glitter, they are not alike enough to become a hybrid city called Nashvegas.  But, that word went along with my blog title, so we're going to roll with it today.

My boss was making fun of me the other day about my dislike of heights.  We are on the 12th floor of a building with floor to ceiling windows and he was asking me if I would go right up to the window and look down.  I did, and he said he thought I was afraid of heights.  I told him there is a distinct difference between disliking (or loathing) something and being afraid of something.  I am not afraid of heights...I will get on an airplane (I just don't like the window seat), I am fine walking up to windows, and I have ridden roller coasters before.  But, will I ever be a window washer?  Heeeelllll no.  Will I ever walk a real tightrope between two skyscrapers?  Hell, Hades, and Mt. Olympus no.  I had enough trouble walking over the three foot sheer walkway at the Sears Tower.

So, below is a list of the top five things I fear, loathe, and just for kicks, love. 

FEAR:
1.)  Japanese horror movies.  I've been scarred for life after watching 'The Ring' and then dreaming the creepy dead girl was crawling over me as I slept.  I'm not the girl who gets scared when she has to stay by herself at night (which is good since I live alone), but after I had that dream I am not ashamed to admit I slept with the lights on for three nights.

2.)  Unpleasant surprises.  I'm talking about when someone comes up behind you all stealth like and you can't hear them.  Then they either touch you or say something and you jump and scream like a four year old girl.  Your heart is beating really fast, and chances are, if you have luck like me, you have spilled something all over your new dry-clean only blazer or dress. 

3.)  Drowning.  Which is odd, since I love swimming, have been on a cruise, and used to really want to be a mermaid.  I only like breathing out of my nose (I'm sure someone somewhere is going to make that inappropriate) so I don't think I'd enjoy scuba diving.  I also do not enjoy colds which make my nose stuffy, but that is for another list.

4.)  Pterodactyls.  They may not be around anymore, but can you imagine having to live in fear of flying dinosaurs picking you up on your way to Kroger and eating you for dinner?  Shudder.

5.)  Bats.  Very similar to pterodactyls, only they won't eat you but do easily get caught in your hair and scratch you.  #Truestory

LOATHE:
1.)  Crocs.  No, that's not short for crocodiles.  I mean the squishy, clog-like shoes that come in every color and pattern.  The only excuse someone has for wearing them is maaaaybe that they are a nurse and have to work a grueling schedule.  Babies don't even have excuses for wearing them.  They are ugly, boxy, and for lazy people.  If you really need to be that lazy, at least get the sneakers with the velcro, a la 1991.

2.)  Snakes.  Spiders, centipedes, wasps, and any other insect-like (because I know a spider isn't technically an insect) creatures don't phase me.  I'm well acquainted with the tissue paper death and burial at sea process for these creepy crawlies.  But snakes?  That's not something I can easily dispose of in my apartment.  A few weeks ago, a small snake was waiting on my doorstep for me when I was trying to exit for work.  I felt very Indiana Jane after jumping over him (or her...I want to be equal opportunity here).  I wasn't going to kick the welcome mat out of the way in case I made it mad, so I really had no other choice than to vault over it McKayla Maroney style...even she would have been impressed.  Thankfully I live in an apartment with a pretty good maintenance staff and when I came back Jafar Jr. (remember the sorceror from Aladdin that turned into a snake?) was gone.

3.)  UT.  I loathe the color, the team, the coaches, and usually the fans.  Everyone has that one team they hate.  As a UK fan, a lot of people's least favorite teams would be Duke, UNC, or Louisville.  I, however, will forever loathe Tennessee.  And that damn way-too-catchy song.

4.)  WebMD.  You go on there simply to find out if you need to make a run to the Walgreens clinic to get some antibiotics for a sinus infection and instead you are diagnosed as having one or a combination of the followings:  cholera (Oregon Trail, anyone?), shingles, leukemia, a lung infection, or a simple cold.  You end up being way more confused as to what ails you than when you started.

5.)  Sarah Palin.  Kidding.  Maybe.

LOVE: (This category will not include the things you already know I love like UK sports, Bon Jovi (both the cat and the band), animals, milk, Harry Potter, and sarcasm).

1.)  Popsicles.  I'm not a huge sweets person but I love a popsicle anytime, anywhere.  Even outside on the coldest day in winter in Antarctica in a tshirt (you get my drift.)

2.)  Irises and calla lillies.  Irises were my grandfather's favorite and calla lillies were my grandmother's. 

3.)  Wheel of Fortune.  I may have mentioned this before, but I really really do love it.  I so want to win the bonus round someday.

4.)  Getting my hair brushed. 

5.)  Long hot showers that I manage to get out of right before the smoke alarm in my not-so-strategically placed apartment goes off due to steam.

So there you go!  Five things to never do or bring around me unless you want to scare me, five things never to do/wear/bring around me if you want me to not sneer at you, and five things that will make me want to love you.

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