Hi readers:
It's been a long while. Well, I wrote a post right after my dad passed away six weeks ago, but I didn't post it very long. You see, I've been very curious about people's varying reactions to the news of my father's death. You have the people who are genuinely sorry, the people want information they have no business knowing, the people who start crying about a loss they suffered (oh, so do I comfort you now?) and the people who just don't know what to say. I've experienced all of those, and I'm usually pretty fine with people's reactions, but one thing really did set me off.
I started off my previous blog saying that at that point, I had told the details to pretty much everyone I wanted to/needed to, and I wouldn't be going into detail in my blog. I guess I should have written in all caps DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS because apparently some people didn't get that memo. I know that when you post something on a social networking site you open yourself up to criticism and comments. I get it. But damn, not ten minutes after I posted the article to my Facebook account someone who I knew in college but hadn't seen for years commented some version of the following: Wow, sounds like your dad survived a lot. What happened? You can send me a private message if you'd like.
Oh really? A private message? Gee, you are so thoughtful! Thank you for taking into account that I might not want to share the details of my dad's death on Facebook. You're such a giver. Obviously you didn't really read what I wrote because I clearly said I had already told people I wanted to/needed to know. I'm debating on whether or not to block that person from being able to read this entry. I'm not calling them out by name, and I don't really care if they're offended I'm writing about them. I'm not responsible for their reaction to my feelings.
Anyway, that's why I took a break from writing. And also, I haven't been super inspired lately. I just try to get through life one day at a time. Some days that's easier than others, and some days, friends, you aren't going to be able to win. I shared with my friend C at lunch yesterday that some days, there is no right answer. If you say one thing, I'll have wished you said another. If you said the other thing, I would be pissed you didn't say the first thing. I'm self-aware enough to know this is not fair. I try and stay away from people on days like that. But, in our open office area at work, it's pretty impossible. My friend/sorority sister/co-worker said I need a sign on my desk that says 'Today is not your day.' And I really do. But I don't want to be my mother and start constructing signs and taping them to doors of the house saying 'Do not knock, ring doorbell, leave anything or visit. DOCTOR'S ORDERS'. Yeah. Because that happened and it's totally normal and not anti-social/borderline rude. At all.
I spend a lot of time at home, reading and eating soup. Because when you have to be ON and social and pleasant 40 hours a week because it's your job, sometimes you just don't want to pretend anymore or put on a show. I don't want to pretend to be happy at happy hour. Because I'm not happy. Not all the time, but I'm still very sad. I'm doing things to cope and get help with dealing with this huge change in my life, but I'm a work in progress. My friends have been amazing, giving me space when I need it and watching Pitch Perfect for the 177th time when I need to be around people. I'm not very good asking people for help. So even if I don't respond to a text or email or phone call for a few days, I appreciate you checking in.
Speaking of soup, last night I went to Kroger and spent $30 on hot and sour soup and bleu cheese stuffed olives because that's the only meal that sounded good to me. You'd think I was pregnant or something. Which I know is not possible. Well, I guess it could be, but considering the amount of times a day I say the word 'fuck', I doubt God would pick me as an incubator for Jesus Jr. Call it sacrilege, I call it honesty. Because let's be honest, the last thing I need is a kid. I can barely take care of my diva of a cat.
So that's my life right now: soup, work, books, and the occasional social event. And that's okay. I've been doing a little bit of dating, which I haven't done in a long time, but we'll see. maybe I'll find someone to eat soup with me, and maybe not. But I'm trying. I think that's actually my life right now: I'm trying. I'm trying to be happy, do my job, be a good friend, check in on others, be supportive, and lots of other things. I know I don't always succeed, but know that I want to. Be better. My HR friends at work will like that one.
Until next time...oh, and if you get a chance, go back and read my previous entry. Because I'm proud of it. Just don't ask how he died. There. I said it. It is spelled out. I've done all I can.
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