I'm writing this in an airport in the Middle of Nowhere, Midwest USA, sitting on an uncomfortable floor carpeted in what looks like the remnants of the old Roller Dome carpet from Hopkinsville. Those of you I birthday-partied with for years know what I'm talking about.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
It's a question most of us will hear in our lifetime way too many times to count or for our liking. The question changes some throughout the years. It evolves into "What are you majoring in?" "What are you going to do after graduation?" "What do you mean you have a History degree...what do you do with that?" Oh wait, was that just me?
But the premise is always the same. People are all up in your business about what you're going to do with your life and how successful you are going to be. You say you're going to be a doctor? People automatically think $$$$$$. Unless you explain that no, you're actually going to be a Professor, but people have to call you Doctor. But with a lot less money. If you say teacher, people think what a kind hearted person you are to devote your life to educating our future. Really, you're a masochist. I'm the child of two teachers...I know. I thought I would go through some of the career aspirations I have held over the years and reminisce about how my life could have turned out...
Age 3: I really wanted to be a circus performer. I watched 'Dumbo's Circus' on Disney all of the time and wanted to be Miss Lily, the tightrope walking cat. I swear, the writer of most children's shows must be on LSD or something to come up with that. In my 3 year old preschool class we did a circus performance and, of course, I walked the "tightrope"...which was actually a low to the ground balance beam my grandfather had constructed. He also made me a bar I could swing from like a trapeze. Oh yeah, I was the star of the show. Especially when my feathered skirt came apart from my leotard and hung down behind me like a pink, feathery tail. But hey, I was trying to embody a tightrope walking cat, so obviously I needed a tail.
Age 4: At this state in my life I was really into the color red. So naturally, I wanted to be a fireman(woman) so I could drive around in a red truck. However, my dislike for bing hot and wearing helmets eventually deterred me from this path. I still really like firemen, though.
Age 7: At this age I was holding class every night with my stuffed animals and Barbie dolls and I really wanted to be a teacher. This is also when mom started going gray, worrying I would follow in hers and dad's footsteps. Don't get me wrong. I, and my family, think teaching is a great profession...if they would actually let teachers teach instead of worrying about test scores, professional development, and budget cuts. It's probably a good thing I changed my mind. I really enjoyed hitting my students with my pointing stick and I'm pretty sure that is frowned upon nowadays in classrooms.
Age 10: Okay, now I was in double digits and obviously I had my whole life figured out. I decided I wanted to be a lawyer because that's what my mom had wanted to do, but never did. My mother could fulfill her dreams through me (though not in a creepy Toddlers & Tiaras kind of way). However, our dreams came to a shattering halt when I lost the 4th grade spelling bee on the word "campaign". Obviously if I live up to my mother's Spelling Bee Championship then I couldn't follow her dream to be a lawyer. At 10 1/2 I decided I wanted to be a judge, until I figured out you kind of have to be a lawyer first. Fourth grade was a rough year.
Age 12: Now I wanted to be an astronaut. I got a telescope for Christmas and my parents bought me a star (yes, like in "A Walk to Remember"...except I wasn't dying) and I would look at it every night. I wanted to visit it someday. It's amazing how many key details I left out of my job aspirations...such as, I would spontaneously combust if I got too close to my star. Psh...details.
Age 13: So by this time I discovered I wanted to lead a certain kind of lifestyle. I wanted at least three cars, lots of fancy earrings, and an elevator in my house. If I was going to afford these luxuries in life, I was going to have to make the big bucks. So, I decided I wanted to be a doctor. At first, I wanted to be a pediatrician, until I remembered how gross all of the little kids in my doctor's office waiting room were. Then I decided to pass. I don't really like germs or blood, so I decided to be an orthopedic surgeon. I'd just fix bones all day. Needless to say, I ignored the important word "surgeon." There is no surgery without blood.
Ages 14-17: This point in my life was kind of a blur. I was in my own little high school world and didn't really think about what I was going to be when I grew up. I went to school, read, and babysat on the weekends, and could not have been happier. I also had things like Prom to worry about, so obviously my future career took a backseat to what kind of flowers would look best with my dress.
Age 18-...well, 18: So it was Senior Year. It was time to really buckle down and decide what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was always very active in church and I loved children, so when my mom suggested I be a children's minister I was like...YES. That is what I'm going to be. I wrote convincing college essays, got into my #1 college choice with a scholarship, and knew I was on my way. Well, at least until I actually got to college.
Age 19-22: It's amazing how an institution that you have to basically beg and plead to let you into by describing, in detail, what you want to do with your life, can make you do a complete 180, sending you into the opposite direction. Originally I came in with a Religion major and a History minor. All that changed when my religious views drastically changed. I began to question things I had been taught all of my life and completely re-evaluated where I stood in my faith. I am still figuring out my way, but rest assured, I am not a heathen and I still love Jesus. However, I knew I didn't want to be a children's minister anymore. Thankfully, I found my new path in one of my History minor classes. Belmont University has a fantastic history faculty. I loved my course work and was lucky to have close relationships to several professors. I can't speak high enough of my academic upbringing at Belmont and am so grateful to each professor for what they taught me. Okay, I thought...I had finally found where I fit in in the world...I'm going to be a History Professor.
Age 22-23: So, I applied to the History graduate program at the University of Kentucky. Not only would I get to study what I love, but I could finally go to UK basketball games regularly. What was there not to like?!?! Well, turns out, there wasn't much TO like. I never really felt 100% like I was in the right place. My professors and friends were wonderful, but it was clear to me this was not what I was supposed to be doing. And, this was during the Billy Clyde years, so the basketball team wasn't even good. I made the decision not to return for my second year, and as fate would have it, I got my former job back!
Age 23-25: Before I left for UK I had been working for the First Lady of Tennessee for about a year and a half. I was involved in fundraisers for the Tennessee Residence and child advocacy centers, gave tours of the Tennessee Residence, helped with archiving projects, and assited her with her speaking engagements and presentations...basically the best first job ever. I came back to work for her until December of 2010, two weeks before their term was up. My greatest accomplishment was helping establish a speaker's series that was free, open to the public, and consisted of relevant topics such as Black History Month, Local Farming, and Tennessee music. Richard Dreyfuss (you know, from JAWS!) actually participated in one of the series. My favorite one, however, was a gubernatorial debate held between the Republican and Democratic party candidates. The audience consisted of all highschools, who would be voting for the first time in the election. We had community leaders work with the students to develop questions to ask the candidates. It was one of my proudest moments.
Age 25-26: After I left that job, I went to work in the non-profit world. I learned a lot and made some great friends, but found the work wasn't for me. I'd love to volunteer with nonprofits at some point, but I missed the pace of government.
Age 27: So, somehow, a History major ended up working in the Tennessee Department of Revenue. I have a wonderful boss, supportive co-workers, and the opportunity to grow and expand my skills. I couldn't be happier at my job. Will this be my permanent career? Who the hell knows. But, for right now, it's the place I am supposed to, and want to, be.
So if you're 27 (or older!) and don't have it all figured out yet, don't worry! You never know where you'll end up. I mean, I took one math class my first semester of college (Basic Concepts of Mathematics) because I figured as a Religion/History major the only numbers I would need to know were years. And now I work with a lot of numbers. Oh, little did I know...
Whew...this was a long one. One person who reads this blog said they really liked my writing and I should do it full time...maybe that will be Age 29 and beyond? Or hey...it's never too late to join the circus!
Monday, August 20, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Are You Ready For Some Football?!?!
To be honest...not really. Football season is more like the prelude to basketball season, in my opinion. I have gotten more interested in football in the past couple of years, but it's still not, and will never be, my favorite sport to watch.
I don't have a specific team I cheer for. I'll support the local team, the Titans, of course and I guess if I had to pick a favorite I'd go with the Packers. Not because I am particularly fond of cheese, but because Randall Cobb (most beautiful eyes ever) and Tim Masthay (former UK football players) are currently members of that team. Last year I became more interested in the game when I joined my first Fantasy Football League. I could pretend I spent weeks before the FF draft studying player's stats, looking for their weaknesses, and reading predictions about their seasons. In all actuality, I picked my team based on two criteria: 1.) Did they play for UK and 2.) Did they have creative hairstles in their ESPN picture. Not the most scientific method, but I did make the play-offs so shove it.
This year I'm joining two FF leagues. One where we play for money, and one where we play for wine. Guess which one is my favorite. I'm trying to think of creative team names but so far am drawing a blank. I'll come up with something.
I've also become more interested in football because of tailgating. My undergrad alma mater did not have a football team, so there was no tailgating. UK, where I went to grad school, does have a football team, and I went to a few games, but I didn't find the friend base there I have here in Nashville. Don't get me wrong, I made some great friends there, just not the group of 40+ that show up to Vandy tailgates here. I've been lucky enough to meet a group of people that have themed tailgates every Vandy home game. Past themes have included Greek themed (wear your pearls, bring your paddles), mystery cooler (put lots of different beer in a crate and pick out your beverage blind), and others I can't remember at this point. There's no better way to spend a fall morning/afternoon than being with your best friends, playing flip cup (even though I am terrible at it) and eating delicious food. The tailgate set-up is no joke. It even comes with a crib and play area for our friends' adorable little son.
Last fall the NBA's loss was my (and every other UK fan's) gain. Because of the lockout, several former UK players came back to Rupp for exhibition games. I went to one with my friends A & K and my dad, and another with just A. Poor A was treated to girl talk he really did not want to hear while driving back from the first one, but hey...I was driving and K was riding shotgun, and we thought he was asleep in the backseat. During that road trip we also played several rousing games of marry/f***/kill and built our perfect significant other using body parts of our friends...a very messed up Mr. Potato Head, if you will. Hey, when you drive 7 hours in one day and get home at 1:30 a.m., you never know what will be a topic of conversation.
I'm sad there will not be similar games this fall. I finally got to tell Christian Laettner what I thought about him (although he probably didn't hear me) and see him wipe the floor of Rupp Arena. A small penance for his sin of "the shot." A enjoyed the games as well...he especially enjoyed commenting on the fact that Chuck Hayes had gained weight...and we think Chuck may have actually heard that one. Oops.
Every year I try to go to the UK/Vandy game here in Nashville because it's usually around my birthday. However, this year, it is in January, which is a bit of a bummer. I might save my ticket money for the SEC Tournament, which is in Nashville! Four of the most fun days I have ever had took place when the SEC Tournament was last here and I am planning on being at every game. I've already asked off from work. Luckily, my boss is a basketball fanatic like I am...although he supports those lowdown, dirty snitches in Knoxville...who got beaten last year in football by a wide receiver acting as quarterback. I figure we will lose to them this year, so I have to get in my bragging while I can.
So, to sum up this post, I am only excited about football because it means basketball (and hopefully the wine from the FF league I'm in) is right around the corner. I mean, Nerlens Noel has a flat top...you can not tell me he isn't going to be entertaining.
I don't have a specific team I cheer for. I'll support the local team, the Titans, of course and I guess if I had to pick a favorite I'd go with the Packers. Not because I am particularly fond of cheese, but because Randall Cobb (most beautiful eyes ever) and Tim Masthay (former UK football players) are currently members of that team. Last year I became more interested in the game when I joined my first Fantasy Football League. I could pretend I spent weeks before the FF draft studying player's stats, looking for their weaknesses, and reading predictions about their seasons. In all actuality, I picked my team based on two criteria: 1.) Did they play for UK and 2.) Did they have creative hairstles in their ESPN picture. Not the most scientific method, but I did make the play-offs so shove it.
This year I'm joining two FF leagues. One where we play for money, and one where we play for wine. Guess which one is my favorite. I'm trying to think of creative team names but so far am drawing a blank. I'll come up with something.
I've also become more interested in football because of tailgating. My undergrad alma mater did not have a football team, so there was no tailgating. UK, where I went to grad school, does have a football team, and I went to a few games, but I didn't find the friend base there I have here in Nashville. Don't get me wrong, I made some great friends there, just not the group of 40+ that show up to Vandy tailgates here. I've been lucky enough to meet a group of people that have themed tailgates every Vandy home game. Past themes have included Greek themed (wear your pearls, bring your paddles), mystery cooler (put lots of different beer in a crate and pick out your beverage blind), and others I can't remember at this point. There's no better way to spend a fall morning/afternoon than being with your best friends, playing flip cup (even though I am terrible at it) and eating delicious food. The tailgate set-up is no joke. It even comes with a crib and play area for our friends' adorable little son.
Last fall the NBA's loss was my (and every other UK fan's) gain. Because of the lockout, several former UK players came back to Rupp for exhibition games. I went to one with my friends A & K and my dad, and another with just A. Poor A was treated to girl talk he really did not want to hear while driving back from the first one, but hey...I was driving and K was riding shotgun, and we thought he was asleep in the backseat. During that road trip we also played several rousing games of marry/f***/kill and built our perfect significant other using body parts of our friends...a very messed up Mr. Potato Head, if you will. Hey, when you drive 7 hours in one day and get home at 1:30 a.m., you never know what will be a topic of conversation.
I'm sad there will not be similar games this fall. I finally got to tell Christian Laettner what I thought about him (although he probably didn't hear me) and see him wipe the floor of Rupp Arena. A small penance for his sin of "the shot." A enjoyed the games as well...he especially enjoyed commenting on the fact that Chuck Hayes had gained weight...and we think Chuck may have actually heard that one. Oops.
Every year I try to go to the UK/Vandy game here in Nashville because it's usually around my birthday. However, this year, it is in January, which is a bit of a bummer. I might save my ticket money for the SEC Tournament, which is in Nashville! Four of the most fun days I have ever had took place when the SEC Tournament was last here and I am planning on being at every game. I've already asked off from work. Luckily, my boss is a basketball fanatic like I am...although he supports those lowdown, dirty snitches in Knoxville...who got beaten last year in football by a wide receiver acting as quarterback. I figure we will lose to them this year, so I have to get in my bragging while I can.
So, to sum up this post, I am only excited about football because it means basketball (and hopefully the wine from the FF league I'm in) is right around the corner. I mean, Nerlens Noel has a flat top...you can not tell me he isn't going to be entertaining.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
I tried. Really, I did.
I'm a failure. Although I am really good at some things, like Wheel of Fortune, cross word puzzles, and sarcasm, I have to admit there are probably more things that I am not good at. A few things are running, singing, math, foreign languages, and now...being a vegetarian.
I'm a huge animal lover. I have to turn the channel whenever that damn Sarah McLachlan song comes on because I know there will be sad picture of puppies and kitties coming on the screen. I don't have a ton of extra cash, but every month I donate to the ASPCA and the Nashville Humane Society. I also have a slightly annoying habit of wanting to rescue every pet I see. There have been numerous times I have seen a dog or cat running around lost and have chased them until I caught up with them. One particular instance happened last summer when I was at home. I went to get the mail and I saw this sweet puppy running around, clearly lost. I spent 45 minutes chasing the poor, scared animal around the neighborhood until I caught it. It did have on a collar, but no tag. People, PLEASE put collars on your pets with your contact information! It did have a tag proving it had had its vaccinations, so I spent the next half hour on the phone with local vets, trying to track the serial number on the tag. My parents are so used to this by now, they weren't even phased. Thankfully, I had success finding out where the dog lived, and it wasn't far from my house. I loaded the dog into my car and went to its owner's house. When I knocked on the door with the pup, a girl came to see who it was and burst into tears. Apparently she was house-sitting and the puppy had gotten out when she opened the door to leave and she couldn't catch it. I felt really good that I had reunited the sweet puppy with its home.
Another memorable time is when I was visiting my then-boyfriend D's house and saw a dog running around his neighborhood. D was not as amused at my antics as my parents are. We caught the dog, and it was a BIG dog, and I made him put it in his backyard while I went to buy dog food and posterboard to make FOUND signs for the pet. I tacked them up all over his neighborhood and three hours later the owner called. D was stuck with a huge bag of dog food because I bought the biggest bag they had (it was on sale). Hey, I didn't know how long the dog was going to be there! The owner was very grateful to have his faithful companion back. D was just glad the dog was gone so he could relax and watch 'Gene Simmons' Family Jewels'.
I also can NOT go into pet stores of any kind. For my college graduation present I wanted a cat. I was moving to Lexington for grad school and the apartment complex I lived in only allowed cats. D said he would let me pick out a cat. And I said, no, D, YOU can pick out the cat for me because I cannot see cats in cages. There is no way I'm going to the pound, I trust you. D was true to his word and didn't take me to the pound. But he did take me to a Pet Smart open adoption day and I was livid. I acted like a huge brat, refusing to get out of the car. He finally got me to exit the vehicle by (probably) lying to me and saying that all of the pets always get adopted at these things. I bought it, and came inside. We later left with Bon Jovi, the most high maintenance and ornery cat ever of life...but I love the furball. So, D was right. I needed to pick out my own cat. At first I thought I wanted a kitten, but after playing with two year old Bon Jovi (who my mother unfortunately calls BJ or Beej sometimes and I don't have the heart to tell her why that is inappropriate) I had found my forever friend.
Okay, so enough background. It started to bother me that I eat animals, when I love them so much. So I tried to be a vegetarian. But I am not a good vegetarian. Main reason why? Because I don't like enough vegetables. I hate eggplant, tomato, squash, cauliflower, legumes, and probably a lot more. I was living off of pasta, pasta, some broccoli, and more pasta and that is not good. I tried to make myself like more vegetables so I could be successful at this, but I just couldn't. I made eggplant parmesan and probably put in four times the amount of sauce and cheese, which took away all the health benefits.
I'm going to try to choose vegetarian options most of the time, but I don't think I can completely make the transition. Maybe at some point I will be able to, but for right now I'll just do what I can.
I don't feel as if this post has been as witty as my other ones, but I can't be "ON" all the time. If you are lonely, please consider adopting a pet! They bring so much to your lives and it's great having someone to come home to, since I live alone. I've heard all of the "cat lady" jokes and they don't really bother me. A few jokes at my expense are definitely a small price to pay for having a little creature that will greet me at the door when I get home, sit with me when I'm crying, and lay next to me when I can't sleep and I'm up at 4 a.m. reading. And he fetches, like a dog. I mean, it doesn't get more awesome than that.
I'm a huge animal lover. I have to turn the channel whenever that damn Sarah McLachlan song comes on because I know there will be sad picture of puppies and kitties coming on the screen. I don't have a ton of extra cash, but every month I donate to the ASPCA and the Nashville Humane Society. I also have a slightly annoying habit of wanting to rescue every pet I see. There have been numerous times I have seen a dog or cat running around lost and have chased them until I caught up with them. One particular instance happened last summer when I was at home. I went to get the mail and I saw this sweet puppy running around, clearly lost. I spent 45 minutes chasing the poor, scared animal around the neighborhood until I caught it. It did have on a collar, but no tag. People, PLEASE put collars on your pets with your contact information! It did have a tag proving it had had its vaccinations, so I spent the next half hour on the phone with local vets, trying to track the serial number on the tag. My parents are so used to this by now, they weren't even phased. Thankfully, I had success finding out where the dog lived, and it wasn't far from my house. I loaded the dog into my car and went to its owner's house. When I knocked on the door with the pup, a girl came to see who it was and burst into tears. Apparently she was house-sitting and the puppy had gotten out when she opened the door to leave and she couldn't catch it. I felt really good that I had reunited the sweet puppy with its home.
Another memorable time is when I was visiting my then-boyfriend D's house and saw a dog running around his neighborhood. D was not as amused at my antics as my parents are. We caught the dog, and it was a BIG dog, and I made him put it in his backyard while I went to buy dog food and posterboard to make FOUND signs for the pet. I tacked them up all over his neighborhood and three hours later the owner called. D was stuck with a huge bag of dog food because I bought the biggest bag they had (it was on sale). Hey, I didn't know how long the dog was going to be there! The owner was very grateful to have his faithful companion back. D was just glad the dog was gone so he could relax and watch 'Gene Simmons' Family Jewels'.
I also can NOT go into pet stores of any kind. For my college graduation present I wanted a cat. I was moving to Lexington for grad school and the apartment complex I lived in only allowed cats. D said he would let me pick out a cat. And I said, no, D, YOU can pick out the cat for me because I cannot see cats in cages. There is no way I'm going to the pound, I trust you. D was true to his word and didn't take me to the pound. But he did take me to a Pet Smart open adoption day and I was livid. I acted like a huge brat, refusing to get out of the car. He finally got me to exit the vehicle by (probably) lying to me and saying that all of the pets always get adopted at these things. I bought it, and came inside. We later left with Bon Jovi, the most high maintenance and ornery cat ever of life...but I love the furball. So, D was right. I needed to pick out my own cat. At first I thought I wanted a kitten, but after playing with two year old Bon Jovi (who my mother unfortunately calls BJ or Beej sometimes and I don't have the heart to tell her why that is inappropriate) I had found my forever friend.
Okay, so enough background. It started to bother me that I eat animals, when I love them so much. So I tried to be a vegetarian. But I am not a good vegetarian. Main reason why? Because I don't like enough vegetables. I hate eggplant, tomato, squash, cauliflower, legumes, and probably a lot more. I was living off of pasta, pasta, some broccoli, and more pasta and that is not good. I tried to make myself like more vegetables so I could be successful at this, but I just couldn't. I made eggplant parmesan and probably put in four times the amount of sauce and cheese, which took away all the health benefits.
I'm going to try to choose vegetarian options most of the time, but I don't think I can completely make the transition. Maybe at some point I will be able to, but for right now I'll just do what I can.
I don't feel as if this post has been as witty as my other ones, but I can't be "ON" all the time. If you are lonely, please consider adopting a pet! They bring so much to your lives and it's great having someone to come home to, since I live alone. I've heard all of the "cat lady" jokes and they don't really bother me. A few jokes at my expense are definitely a small price to pay for having a little creature that will greet me at the door when I get home, sit with me when I'm crying, and lay next to me when I can't sleep and I'm up at 4 a.m. reading. And he fetches, like a dog. I mean, it doesn't get more awesome than that.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Shoes & Screws
I come up with a lot of ideas for businesses I'll never start. For example, I think a potato chip food truck would be awesome. You could add your own toppings and I would offer gourmet potato chips with creative seasonings and dips. Except I don't know how to make potato chips and I'd probably be awful driving the truck. Plus, I like air conditioning, so I'd probably only be open when it's under 75 degrees...which, if this year is any indication, is November-February...so I'd be poor. And I would not like to be poor.
One of the best ideas I had was actually a joint idea with my friend N. We decided if people can have shows for going through storage bins searching for treasure's that are someone's trash or a show all about making vegan cupcakes, then we can have a show too. Our idea was to call it 'Shoes and Screws' and make it a home repair/improvement show. We would wear awesome outfits, killer shoes, and fix things.
This could actually happen, unlike the potato chip truck. I already have a great shoes and surprisingly, I am actually really good at fixing and assembling things. A few months ago I fixed the toilet in my apartment all by myself. Well, I guess Google helped, but I did the manual labor. I bragged about that for days...and apparently I am still bragging. This weekend I went home and, as usual, I had to work for my supper. See, mom and I got dad a new computer chair for Father's Day. Which is in June. Yesterday was August 5th. And they hadn't even opened the box the chair came in because they knew they couldn't put it together. So, I spent 1.5 hours putting the damn thing together with those stupid screwdrivers that look like L's that come with 'assembly needed' items. Before I started the project I got my mother's permission to curse. She absolutely hates that I have the mouth of a sailor (I like to think Sailor Moon...90's joke!) and cringes every time I curse. But, if I was going to be hammering and screwing things (get your mind out of the gutter), I needed the freedom to express my true feelings.
While I was assembling the chair I know I made many frustrated faces. And yes, I cursed a lot. All of a sudden my mom started bawling. Anyone that knows mom knows she can cry at the drop of a hat...and often for no reason. Apparently my cursing and facial expressions reminded her of my grandfather. Daddy Cliff was a guy that could put together anything. He assembled all of my Barbie houses, built the most kickass tree house EVER with an elevator, drawbridge, and slide, and rigged up some sort of contraption at his house where we could play 'What Would You Do', that show on 90's Nickelodeon where you could get slimed and have pies thrown at you. Yes, my grandfather built a pie slingshot and let me throw pies at him. He was the most awesome man that has ever lived. You know what else made him awesome? He loved cursing as much as I do. I asked mom what his favorite curse words were, and she said he loved to exclaim "Hellfire and damnation!" I prefer Shit! Or F---! (Yet for some reason I feel weird typing it on the interwebs...) Even though I was frustrated with the chair, it made me feel good to be compared to my grandfather. I definitely inherited my put-together-things skills from him.
So after 1.5 hours the chair was finally assembled. It shouldn't have been that hard, the screws were just too big for the holes and I had to jam them in there. (This post sounds incredibly pornographic. So sorry.) Then my dad says, "Well jeez, if I had known it would take you so long I would have let the Office Max people assembled it for $20."
WHAT. THE. F---!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I asked him if he was serious and he said yes. I then began craving a drink, but since it was 1 p.m. and my parents have no alcohol in the house, I had to settle for a glass of chocolate milk. Then mom asked if I could put together her new fan for her room. Luckily, that took only 10 minutes and no curse words were involved. Of course, I could have finished the project in 5 minutes if only the cats would stop jumping in the box with all of the parts and sleeping on the piece I needed. When I threatened to leave them in the box when I threw out the trash they just looked at me with that "we dare you to try" expression. So, within a span of 35 minutes I was chastised by two cats and almost beaten by a piece of office furniture. Sunday Funday notsomuch.
At least now I know I can charge my parents $20 to put things together for them. Or maybe $40. I feel, as their offspring, I should be worth at least twice as much as Office Max. I will send them my bill.
I guess 'Shoes & Screws' would have to be on one of the premium channels because of my language, but USA lets people say "shit" after 9 p.m. so maybe they'd let us camp out on their Network. I would request to film in the studio next to where they film 'Suits' because Harvey Spector looks incredibly good in a suit.
Okay, that's all for this entry. If anyone steals the name of my show or my food truck idea I will sue for royalties. And I will win. Because redheads always win.
One of the best ideas I had was actually a joint idea with my friend N. We decided if people can have shows for going through storage bins searching for treasure's that are someone's trash or a show all about making vegan cupcakes, then we can have a show too. Our idea was to call it 'Shoes and Screws' and make it a home repair/improvement show. We would wear awesome outfits, killer shoes, and fix things.
This could actually happen, unlike the potato chip truck. I already have a great shoes and surprisingly, I am actually really good at fixing and assembling things. A few months ago I fixed the toilet in my apartment all by myself. Well, I guess Google helped, but I did the manual labor. I bragged about that for days...and apparently I am still bragging. This weekend I went home and, as usual, I had to work for my supper. See, mom and I got dad a new computer chair for Father's Day. Which is in June. Yesterday was August 5th. And they hadn't even opened the box the chair came in because they knew they couldn't put it together. So, I spent 1.5 hours putting the damn thing together with those stupid screwdrivers that look like L's that come with 'assembly needed' items. Before I started the project I got my mother's permission to curse. She absolutely hates that I have the mouth of a sailor (I like to think Sailor Moon...90's joke!) and cringes every time I curse. But, if I was going to be hammering and screwing things (get your mind out of the gutter), I needed the freedom to express my true feelings.
While I was assembling the chair I know I made many frustrated faces. And yes, I cursed a lot. All of a sudden my mom started bawling. Anyone that knows mom knows she can cry at the drop of a hat...and often for no reason. Apparently my cursing and facial expressions reminded her of my grandfather. Daddy Cliff was a guy that could put together anything. He assembled all of my Barbie houses, built the most kickass tree house EVER with an elevator, drawbridge, and slide, and rigged up some sort of contraption at his house where we could play 'What Would You Do', that show on 90's Nickelodeon where you could get slimed and have pies thrown at you. Yes, my grandfather built a pie slingshot and let me throw pies at him. He was the most awesome man that has ever lived. You know what else made him awesome? He loved cursing as much as I do. I asked mom what his favorite curse words were, and she said he loved to exclaim "Hellfire and damnation!" I prefer Shit! Or F---! (Yet for some reason I feel weird typing it on the interwebs...) Even though I was frustrated with the chair, it made me feel good to be compared to my grandfather. I definitely inherited my put-together-things skills from him.
So after 1.5 hours the chair was finally assembled. It shouldn't have been that hard, the screws were just too big for the holes and I had to jam them in there. (This post sounds incredibly pornographic. So sorry.) Then my dad says, "Well jeez, if I had known it would take you so long I would have let the Office Max people assembled it for $20."
WHAT. THE. F---!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I asked him if he was serious and he said yes. I then began craving a drink, but since it was 1 p.m. and my parents have no alcohol in the house, I had to settle for a glass of chocolate milk. Then mom asked if I could put together her new fan for her room. Luckily, that took only 10 minutes and no curse words were involved. Of course, I could have finished the project in 5 minutes if only the cats would stop jumping in the box with all of the parts and sleeping on the piece I needed. When I threatened to leave them in the box when I threw out the trash they just looked at me with that "we dare you to try" expression. So, within a span of 35 minutes I was chastised by two cats and almost beaten by a piece of office furniture. Sunday Funday notsomuch.
At least now I know I can charge my parents $20 to put things together for them. Or maybe $40. I feel, as their offspring, I should be worth at least twice as much as Office Max. I will send them my bill.
I guess 'Shoes & Screws' would have to be on one of the premium channels because of my language, but USA lets people say "shit" after 9 p.m. so maybe they'd let us camp out on their Network. I would request to film in the studio next to where they film 'Suits' because Harvey Spector looks incredibly good in a suit.
Okay, that's all for this entry. If anyone steals the name of my show or my food truck idea I will sue for royalties. And I will win. Because redheads always win.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Elevator Etiquette and Books
It's Etiquette Wednesday! Okay, EW (maybe not the best acronym) didn't happen last week I'll get better at this...maybe. I make no promises.
Today I want to discuss elevator etiquette. And by 'discuss' I mean 'rant about.' I work in a building that has 15 floors. I used to work in a building with 27 floors. So obviously, I have ridden a lot of elevators and have a lot of experiences to share. Below are some do's and don't's for elevator riders everywhere. You're welcome.
DO make room for people. No one likes an elevator hog. People dislike having to wait for another elevator even more.
DON'T use the elevator to go down one floor unless you are elderly, rolling a cart, or missing limbs. It's one floor. Don't be lazy.
DO offer to press the button for someone else's floor. It's polite y'all. Just don't press all of them like little children tend to do because that is incredibly annoying.
DON'T talk on your cell phone in the elevator. No one wants to hear about your child support drama or your grocery list. Well, maybe some people do, but I certainly don't.
DO move around to let people out of the elevator. Someone pushed the button for the 6th floor, so more than likely someone needs to get off when it stops at 6. And if you are in the front, that person is most likely behind you. It's okay to step out of the elevator for a second to let someone off and then get back in. You will not lose a limb and we will not leave without you...although if you do happen to lose a limb, you will forever be excused for riding the elevator down one floor. So, there's that.
DON'T press the 'Door Open' button just because you think you hear someone coming. Chances are, you don't, and you're just holding everyone up. And if you do hear someone coming, tough luck. There are seven other elevators that go to the exact same place. You will eventually be able to leave. Have patience.
Okay, so enough etiquette for the day. Let's talk about one of my favorite topics: BOOKS.
I love to read. I always have. My mom read to me daily when I was a baby and I have been a voracious reader ever since. I love the smell of a new book and think they should turn the scent of libraries into a Glade Plug-In. I would totally buy that. I have not yet become swept up in the craze of the Nook and I don't plan to ever do so. I like the feeling of having a book in my hand and turning the pages. I love reading a book over and over, and seeing it age. I love how Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows naturally opens to the scene in Malfoy Manor because I've read it so many times. I also like that my bookcases are full of books...it makes me feel smarter. Even though most of my books are Science Fiction/Fantasy/Mysteries, but that's beside the point.
I love giving books as presents too. My mom's birthday is this weekend and I've already got her books ordered and am awaiting for their arrival. Thinking I was going to be funny, the following exchange occurred between she and I:
Second Favorite Redhead: Mom, I am getting you books for your birthday. Surprise!
Mom of Second Favorite Redhead: Oh honey, you coming home is enough.
SFR: Right. Yeah, I got you 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. I think you'll love it.
MoSFR: Ooh, is it a mystery?!
SFR: NO! And do not Google it!
I thought everyone had heard of that book. And before you ask, no, I haven't read it and have no plans to. It's based on Twilight FanFiction. I can imagine few things I would rather read less. I would rather read a book about Scientology than read Fifty Shades of Grey.
Okay readers, that's all for today. Feel free to send me book recommendations, I'm always looking for something new!
-A
Question: What is your favorite book?
Answer: Too many to count, but the Harry Potter series and the Sword of Truth series will always hold a special place in my heart.
Question: Have you ever written a book?
Answer: I've started two, finished none. Maybe one day you will all be buying my books! Although, I plan to have an awesome penname. Like Scout Springmont. Technically that's my stripper name (name of pet and name of first street you lived on), but I think it sounds like an author's name too.
Question: What is your least favorite book?
Answer: I read the Twilight series. No, I'm not proud of it.
Today I want to discuss elevator etiquette. And by 'discuss' I mean 'rant about.' I work in a building that has 15 floors. I used to work in a building with 27 floors. So obviously, I have ridden a lot of elevators and have a lot of experiences to share. Below are some do's and don't's for elevator riders everywhere. You're welcome.
DO make room for people. No one likes an elevator hog. People dislike having to wait for another elevator even more.
DON'T use the elevator to go down one floor unless you are elderly, rolling a cart, or missing limbs. It's one floor. Don't be lazy.
DO offer to press the button for someone else's floor. It's polite y'all. Just don't press all of them like little children tend to do because that is incredibly annoying.
DON'T talk on your cell phone in the elevator. No one wants to hear about your child support drama or your grocery list. Well, maybe some people do, but I certainly don't.
DO move around to let people out of the elevator. Someone pushed the button for the 6th floor, so more than likely someone needs to get off when it stops at 6. And if you are in the front, that person is most likely behind you. It's okay to step out of the elevator for a second to let someone off and then get back in. You will not lose a limb and we will not leave without you...although if you do happen to lose a limb, you will forever be excused for riding the elevator down one floor. So, there's that.
DON'T press the 'Door Open' button just because you think you hear someone coming. Chances are, you don't, and you're just holding everyone up. And if you do hear someone coming, tough luck. There are seven other elevators that go to the exact same place. You will eventually be able to leave. Have patience.
Okay, so enough etiquette for the day. Let's talk about one of my favorite topics: BOOKS.
I love to read. I always have. My mom read to me daily when I was a baby and I have been a voracious reader ever since. I love the smell of a new book and think they should turn the scent of libraries into a Glade Plug-In. I would totally buy that. I have not yet become swept up in the craze of the Nook and I don't plan to ever do so. I like the feeling of having a book in my hand and turning the pages. I love reading a book over and over, and seeing it age. I love how Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows naturally opens to the scene in Malfoy Manor because I've read it so many times. I also like that my bookcases are full of books...it makes me feel smarter. Even though most of my books are Science Fiction/Fantasy/Mysteries, but that's beside the point.
I love giving books as presents too. My mom's birthday is this weekend and I've already got her books ordered and am awaiting for their arrival. Thinking I was going to be funny, the following exchange occurred between she and I:
Second Favorite Redhead: Mom, I am getting you books for your birthday. Surprise!
Mom of Second Favorite Redhead: Oh honey, you coming home is enough.
SFR: Right. Yeah, I got you 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. I think you'll love it.
MoSFR: Ooh, is it a mystery?!
SFR: NO! And do not Google it!
I thought everyone had heard of that book. And before you ask, no, I haven't read it and have no plans to. It's based on Twilight FanFiction. I can imagine few things I would rather read less. I would rather read a book about Scientology than read Fifty Shades of Grey.
Okay readers, that's all for today. Feel free to send me book recommendations, I'm always looking for something new!
-A
Question: What is your favorite book?
Answer: Too many to count, but the Harry Potter series and the Sword of Truth series will always hold a special place in my heart.
Question: Have you ever written a book?
Answer: I've started two, finished none. Maybe one day you will all be buying my books! Although, I plan to have an awesome penname. Like Scout Springmont. Technically that's my stripper name (name of pet and name of first street you lived on), but I think it sounds like an author's name too.
Question: What is your least favorite book?
Answer: I read the Twilight series. No, I'm not proud of it.
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