Shoes & Screws

I come up with a lot of ideas for businesses I'll never start.  For example, I think a potato chip food truck would be awesome.  You could add your own toppings and I would offer gourmet potato chips with creative seasonings and dips.  Except I don't know how to make potato chips and I'd probably be awful driving the truck.  Plus, I like air conditioning, so I'd probably only be open when it's under 75 degrees...which, if this year is any indication, is November-February...so I'd be poor.  And I would not like to be poor.

One of the best ideas I had was actually a joint idea with my friend N.  We decided if people can have shows for going through storage bins searching for treasure's that are someone's trash or a show all about making vegan cupcakes, then we can have a show too.  Our idea was to call it 'Shoes and Screws' and make it a home repair/improvement show.  We would wear awesome outfits, killer shoes, and fix things. 

This could actually happen, unlike the potato chip truck.  I already have a great shoes and surprisingly, I am actually really good at fixing and assembling things.  A few months ago I fixed the toilet in my apartment all by myself.  Well, I guess Google helped, but I did the manual labor.  I bragged about that for days...and apparently I am still bragging.  This weekend I went home and, as usual, I had to work for my supper.  See, mom and I got dad a new computer chair for Father's Day.  Which is in June.  Yesterday was August 5th.  And they hadn't even opened the box the chair came in because they knew they couldn't put it together.  So, I spent 1.5 hours putting the damn thing together with those stupid screwdrivers that look like L's that come with 'assembly needed' items.  Before I started the project I got my mother's permission to curse.  She absolutely hates that I have the mouth of a sailor (I like to think Sailor Moon...90's joke!) and cringes every time I curse.  But, if I was going to be hammering and screwing things (get your mind out of the gutter), I needed the freedom to express my true feelings. 

While I was assembling the chair I know I made many frustrated faces.  And yes, I cursed a lot.  All of a sudden my mom started bawling.  Anyone that knows mom knows she can cry at the drop of a hat...and often for no reason.  Apparently my cursing and facial expressions reminded her of my grandfather.  Daddy Cliff was a guy that could put together anything.  He assembled all of my Barbie houses, built the most kickass tree house EVER with an elevator, drawbridge, and slide, and rigged up some sort of contraption at his house where we could play 'What Would You Do', that show on 90's Nickelodeon where you could get slimed and have pies thrown at you.  Yes, my grandfather built a pie slingshot and let me throw pies at him.  He was the most awesome man that has ever lived.  You know what else made him awesome?  He loved cursing as much as I do.  I asked mom what his favorite curse words were, and she said he loved to exclaim "Hellfire and damnation!"  I prefer Shit!  Or F---!  (Yet for some reason I feel weird typing it on the interwebs...)  Even though I was frustrated with the chair, it made me feel good to be compared to my grandfather.  I definitely inherited my put-together-things skills from him.

So after 1.5 hours the chair was finally assembled.  It shouldn't have been that hard, the screws were just too big for the holes and I had to jam them in there.  (This post sounds incredibly pornographic.  So sorry.)  Then my dad says, "Well jeez, if I had known it would take you so long I would have let the Office Max people assembled it for $20." 

WHAT.  THE.  F---!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I asked him if he was serious and he said yes.  I then began craving a drink, but since it was 1 p.m. and my parents have no alcohol in the house, I had to settle for a glass of chocolate milk.  Then mom asked if I could put together her new fan for her room.  Luckily, that took only 10 minutes and no curse words were involved.  Of course, I could have finished the project in 5 minutes if only the cats would stop jumping in the box with all of the parts and sleeping on the piece I needed.  When I threatened to leave them in the box when I threw out the trash they just looked at me with that "we dare you to try" expression.  So, within a span of 35 minutes I was chastised by two cats and almost beaten by a piece of office furniture.  Sunday Funday notsomuch. 

At least now I know I can charge my parents $20 to put things together for them.  Or maybe $40.  I feel, as their offspring, I should be worth at least twice as much as Office Max.  I will send them my bill.

I guess 'Shoes & Screws' would have to be on one of the premium channels because of my language, but USA lets people say "shit" after 9 p.m. so maybe they'd let us camp out on their Network.  I would request to film in the studio next to where they film 'Suits' because Harvey Spector looks incredibly good in a suit. 

Okay, that's all for this entry.  If anyone steals the name of my show or my food truck idea I will sue for royalties.  And I will win.  Because redheads always win.