You and I both already know the answer to that question. Yes, I'm terrifically weird. And I wouldn't be any other way. But I'm not talking about being a weird person in general. I'm talking about being weird when it comes to the relationship area of my life. Here's the story.
So, I haven't dated anyone in a pretty long time. Sure, there have been dates here and there, but no really significant relationship in the past couple of years. Most of the time I'm pretty okay being single, and I usually prefer it. Of course there are those moments when you wish you had someone, like when your dad says something hurtful to you or when you have a bad day...or when you can't get your dress zipped all the way up in the back and you go to work with it halfway unzipped and ask a co-worker to finish it zipping up for you. Luckily I have no shame, so this wasn't as awkward as it could be.
So I had been talking to this guy and he did everything right. He called instead of texted, asked me on a next date while we were still on the present one, and was a very nice person. He talked about wanting to settle down, how Nashville was a place he wanted to raise his kids, and how he was at a place in his life where he was ready for all that. This is supposed to be a girl's dream, right? Well, apparently not me. I told him that while I have enjoyed hanging out with him and getting to know him, I don't think I'm ready for a serious relationship right now. To which he replied, then why am I on an online dating site, which is a valid point. I didn't want to say "well, actually I'm just not ready for a relationship with you" because that seems a little mean, even for me. But I just didn't spark with him, and it was easier to tell him I wasn't ready for a relationship at all than specify it to him. In my eyes anyway.
I have to have that spark with people. That feeling where you know you want to talk to this person again. Just because you spark with someone doesn't mean you necessarily want to date them. I spark with my girlfriends and I spark with their significant others, because I genuinely like them and enjoy spending my time with them. No, I don't want my friends boyfriends to kiss me up against a wall or come help me zip up my dress. That would be totally inappropriate. I just need that feeling that I want to have a second conversation with you. And if, at the end of the night, when walking me to my car, I do not want to be saying in my head "please don't kiss me, please don't kiss me."
My friends constantly give me grief for not giving people a chance. I look at it as I am not wasting anyone's time. I know myself pretty damn well and I know if I'm not interested, I'm not going to be. It doesn't take time to grow or whatever. It just isn't there. Is there something wrong with me? I had a close to perfect guy that wanted to seriously date me and I said no. It was the right thing to do because I wasn't feeling it, but is my feeler broken? That sounds really inappropriate.
Maybe someday I'll meet that person that I spark with and can't wait to talk to again. And maybe we'll go on a few dates and then I'll decide that yes, I really do want to welcome this person 100% into my life. I'm 28, it's not like I'm short on time. But right now, I'm just enjoying being me. I'm nerdy, slightly messy, a teensy bit OCD, a lot sassy, a tad bitchy and quite a bit funny. And one day, if a guy comes along that makes me feel like I can't wait to see him again, great. But right now, I'm fine it just being me.
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