The Food Network

Who doesn't enjoy a good tv show about food? 

Well, most of the time, I don't.  I like 'Chopped' and 'Next Food Network Star' because actual challenges are involved and I like to see people use their creativity to make a five star meal out of frozen peas, dark chocolate, sparkling cider and beef jerky.  I always become overconfident that I could totally make something amazing out of crap too, but let's be honest...I most likely can't. 

Although I love any sort of reality tv show competition (except for Survivor, the Bachelor/ette, American Idiot (typo and it stays), The Voice...okay, so there are actually a lot of reality shows I don't like), I can't stand the everyday cooking shows where the overly perky hosts cook a meal and tell us how good it is through our tv screens.

Um, am I really supposed to take your word for it that the vegetable lasagna you just made tastes like a little bit of heaven in your mouth?  Am I really supposed to believe the cayenne pepper and cumin mixture is tantalizing your tastebuds as you over-exaggerate "Mmmm!" for the tv camera?  Well, sorry Giada, Bobby, Paula, Barefoot Contessa, Sunny, Emeril, Alton, and many others, I don't really believe you because I can't taste it.  Well, I will say I believe Paula Deen or the Barefoot Contessa over Giada...do you actually think she eats what she cooks?  As soon as the camera turns off she probably sprints 10 laps around the studio and does an hour of Zumba to burn it off. What's that saying, 'never trust a skinny cook?'  I think those are wise words to live by.

During this season of watching 'The Next Food Network Star' I often fantasized about becomming a star myself.  I could be The Redheaded Italian.  Of course, I'd be contractually obligated to keep my hair red for a set amount of time, but it's almost been a year since I dyed it and I still like it, so I could probably deal.  Or I could be the Kim Zolciak of the Food Network and wear wigs every week.  For Mexican themed cuisine I could have long, luscious Sophia Vergara hair.  That's a thought... 

But really, the more I watched NFNS, the more I realized why would I want to be on this channel?  90% of the chefs are incredibly annoying and have weird habits.  Take our friend Giada for example.  She'll be talking along, deeply engrossed in her speech, and then all of a sudden she develops a strong, sort of nasally Italian accent any time she says an ingredient used in Italian cooking.  Mozzarella becomes MOzzaRElla.  Ricotta becomes RiCOATa.  Um, overly emphasizing different syllables doesn't really make me think of you as more ITALian. 

The Barefoot Contessa makes me feel like I am not classy enough to watch her show.  I feel like she's staring at me with disapproval as she picks ripe tomatoes from her garden for her gazpacho.  Because, God forbid she could go to Whole Foods like everyone else.  Her food is pretty decent, but she reminds me of what I always pictured Delores Umbridge in the 'Harry Potter' books to act like:  condescending, simpering, and has bad fashion sense.

Rachel Ray also gets on my nerves.  Um, yeah, I could make anything in 30 minutes too girl if I had minions that would carefully lay out pre-measured bowls of all of my ingredients on the table in front of me.  I could probably even make all of your recipes in 29 minutes if I was feeling bold. 

I feel bad that I've only picked on the girls, but I don't watch the guys that much.  Bobby Flay is a master of grilling, but I don't have a grill, so why would I want to watch him?  Alton Brown is an entertaining host, but I can't say that I've ever really watched him cook.  Emeril, I think, is losing some of his appeal since the word "BAM!" is no longer viewed as creative in the culinary kitchen.  Robert Irvine, well, I have nothing bad to say about that dude because he is ripped and tall and very scary to me.  Aaron Sanchez and the Man vs. Food guy just seem to get paid to eat...a gig that doesn't sound that bad to me.  But I rarely see them cooking, so I can't judge them either.  I think the guys have the right idea:  they get paid to eat and the women get paid to cook.  I'm sure there is a feminist tangent I could go off on right about now, but I'm kind of tired and don't want to use up more of my brain cells than I have to on a Monday.

Q:  What's your favorite food?
A:  Blue cheese anything.  Blue cheese coleslaw, blue cheese puffs, buffalo tofu with blue cheese...yum!

Q:  What is your least favorite food?
A:  Eggplant.  I'm trying to train myself to like it.

Q:  What did you have for lunch today?
A:  Leftover fettucine alfredo.  Or, as Giada would say, FEttuCINi alFREdo