This was written at approximately 3:47 a.m. this morning so excuse all typos and delirious sentences.
Sometimes, I really miss the 90s. Not that I want to go back to being 7 years old (although I do miss my parents paying for everything) but it was a great time in history. Ronald Reagan was out of office (some of you know I looooooathe Ronald Reagan. R.I.P. though), the ozone layer improved due to the reduction of AquaNet hairspray since feathered bangs were going out of style, and I had all the Dunkaroos I could eat...which is probably why I was a fat kid. But I was happy.
So in honor of one of my favorite decades, here are the ten things I miss the most about the 90s.
1.) Good Nickelodeon. I'm talking shows like GUTS and Legends of the Hidden Temple. Boy, I would have given my Barbie Dreamphone for a chance to be on GUTS and possibly get a piece of the Aggrocrag. I always thought it was weird that the pieces of the Aggrocrag were green when it, in fact, was not green. Minor detail. I saw a piece on Ebay a few months ago and don't think I didn't consider buying it. You could totally tell how a person was going to do based on what color they wore. A guy wearing blue? He had it in the bag. Red won a decent amount of times, but it wasn't the slam dunk like the blue shirt. If you were wearing purple, the producers obviously didn't have much faith in you. And if you were a girl wearing purple? Might as well hand you the bronze medal before you even lace up your shoes. You didn't stand a chance. My favorite, however, was Legends of the Hidden Temple. Kurt (Kirk?) Fogg must have hated his life. Talking to Olmec, the fake statue man and hanging around with kids in overly long khaki shorts had to get old after a while. I always cheered for the Purple Parrots, but as with GUTS, the purple team was the team the producers never thought would win. The Orange Iguanas and the Green Monkeys were the ones to beat. I would get so frustrated when kids would get to The Shrine of the Silver Monkey and then they couldn't put the damn monkey statue together! Of course the base goes on the podium first, not the head you idiot! I screamed at my tv many a time. I totally could have put that monkey together.
2.) Saved By The Bell. Time out. You know you loved this show. Every girl wanted to be Kelly Kapowski and every guy wanted to be Zack Morris. I learned so much from this show, such as the dangers of caffeine pills. Thank you, Jessie Spano. The more you know... But seriously...this was the greatest show on tv. Remember Zack's cell phone? It looked like a brick.
3.) Super Market Sweep. Come on. A show that made putting turkeys in your shopping cart a game? Sign me up! I would get so mad when people would grind the coffee for $100 and just stand there, not putting anything else in their cart. I also wondered why people didn't just go to the medicine aisle and fill their carts with Motrin and Dimetapp. That stuff is expensive! Maybe they didn't have a drug aisle. I always wondered if there was actually a turkey in the turkey package and what happened to those huge blocks of cheese after the show was over? Did you get to keep your groceries? Because if so, that makes me even more mad I was never a contestant.
4.) Butterfinger BBs. I didn't realize until this year they no longer make these delicacies. I would eat them every Sunday afternoon at my grandparent's house while we watched Nickelodeon. Please tell me how Almond Joy has survived but Butterfinger BBs did not?
5.) Captain Planet. I like to think of this show as the prelude to all of the organic vegan hipsters. They probably use scripts from the show as their Bible. But I loved it. Linka was my favorite, though I thought she was dumb for not using her 'wind' ring to fly more often. She tried it, like, once. You are given a ring that can make you fly and yet you choose only to use it to blow your hair out of your face? You are a terrible Planeteer.
6.) R. L. Stine books. How did that town still have a population of high schoolers with all of the people that were killed off?
7.) Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? She was a wily bitch and she had an amazing trench coat. Plus, she got to travel the world. PBS...making education fun way before they made everyone wish they were British after watching Downton Abbey.
8.) Rugrats. REPTAR! I loved that show. I always imagined Lil and Chuckie would get married one day and have awkward ginger kids with squeaky voices.
9.) Clarissa Explains It All. But really, she didn't. She just wore lots of layered vests and moped a lot.
10.) Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yes, this ended in the new millenium, but she started kicking ass and taking names in the 90s. Buffy would have totally staked those Twilight fairy vampires. She wouldn't put up with the brooding, you know? Oh, you're having an emo moment...BAM! Aaaand you're dead. For real this time.
I miss a lot more things about the 90s but it's so late it's early and I need to try and sleep. We'll see how that goes. (Update: IT DIDN'T.)
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