New Year's Resolutions

Well, it's almost that time of year again.  Time for the majority of people to make a promise to themselves and others they can't keep.  No, I'm not talking about taking vows at a wedding.  I am talking about New Year's Resolutions.  Those statements you stick with for about three weeks, if you're really dedicated, and conveniently forget you made by February 1st.  Below I have listed some of the most common NYRs and provided my thoughts about each one.

"This year, I'm going to lose weight."
You probably won't.  Although I admire those people who make a commitment to personal fitness, my admiration quickly evaporates when I come into spin class and someone is sitting on my favorite bike.  I explain my behavior by my upbrining:  I was raised Southern Baptist.  Every Sunday you park in the same spot and sit in the same pew.  If someone is in your spot or pew, you immediately know they are a visitor.  There was this one older lady at my church that would leave notes on people's cars saying "I know you must be a visitor, but I've been parking in this spot for 43 years."  Well that's welcoming.  And people wonder why I don't like church. 

Anyway, people will hit the gym hard for a few weeks, resulting in sore asses from spin class, sore calves from zumba-ing all over the place, and most likely a pulled muscle or two from attempting advanced yoga when they were clearly beginners.  Then, you'll see less and less new faces at the gym, usually starting around the first week of February.  February is always effing cold (I picked a great month to be born in) and it's hard to leave your house when it's so damn cold.  The excuses pile up until the only form of exercise you get is watching The Biggest Loser while eating low sodium potato chips and diet coke.  Or by watching P90X movies.  Like my friend M does.

"I want to quit smoking/drinking/doing drugs/being a whore/etc."
This is one I actually applaud.  Mainly because I dislike smoking, drugs (not that I've ever done any but I remember my D.A.R.E. classes from school), and people being whores.  Drinking, I'm fine with, as long as you can control it.  This resolution is hard though because I feel like you have to have some major turning point in your life before you really decide to quit these behaviors.  I really don't want anyone to set themselves on fire on accident with their lighter, get hurt while doing something drunk, overdosing, or looking up and seeing "For a good time call __________" (insert the name of someone I know) on a bathroom stall.  So let's resolve to not have a major crisis and just decide one day, hey, this behavior is potentially threatening my life/well-being/others/dignity, let's cut this shit out.

"This is the year I'm going to meet the man/woman I'm going to marry."
Yeah.  Because you really have control over that.  Although, I'm pretty sure my mom does a ritualistic chant each New Year at midnight, hoping that this will finally be the year she marries me off.  I don't know what goes through people's heads when they decide this is the year I'm getting married.  Personally, I think there are few things scarier than a woman on the prowl for a husband.  They are desperate, lower their standards, and usually wear way too much perfume.  They also usually end up booking their dream wedding venue and buying a dress...with no groom.  I don't see how those Say Yes to the Dress people keep a straight face sometimes.  Guys looking for a wife, however, have it so easy.  Just walk up to a group of girls, point at one, and bam...you have your future ex-wife.

"This year I'm going to be a nicer person."
If you say something like this, then you really aren't that bad of a person to begin with.  Because a true bitch would not care.  You're safe.  Move onto something else.

"My New Year's Resolution is to not make a New Year's Resolution."
This is about as funny as the "Working hard or hardly working?" line.  Just, no.

So instead of making a NYR, I'm going to provide a list of 10 things I would like to happen in 2013.  If they do, great.  If they don't, great.  If I can get 6/10 I'll call 2013 a success.

1.  Get my first tattoo (happy birthday to me!)
2.  Get a promotion
3.  Travel to three places I have never been
4.  Finish one of the books I'm writing
5.  Make new friends
6.  Buy a house
7.  Learn how to make cheese (I'm so serious about this.)
8.  Learn how to sew more than just buttons
9.  Volunteer at least 5 times
10. Learn when to shut up (this will likely never happen)