I really like lists and have a lot of opinions, so here's my list of 17 things I think all women should be able to do. I can do 14 on the list. I'll let you guess which ones.
1.) Kill bugs. Ladies, if you can survive bikini waxes and childbirth, you can smush a spider with a Kleenex.
2.) Change a tire. Or at least call Triple AAA
3.) Fix a toilet. Seriously. It's amazing how you can fix a toilet with shampoo and hot water. Because sometimes apartment maintenance does not come when you need them and you need to take matters into your own hands. Google it.
4.) Fix at least five staple meals. Cooking is not that hard...you're just following directions. Think of it like you're trying out the latest eye makeup tutorial on pinterest. Just do what the lady/cookbook says and you'll be fine.
5.) Escape from a car trunk. You might read that and be like say wha? (the 't' was purposely left out). But I worked for a woman who was kidnapped and escaped and I know there are a lot of people who are crazy out there. Have you ever seen a Lifetime movie? I mean, seriously.
6.) Have a reasonable understanding of sports. You don't have to know the names of the players or who won the game last night, but knowing that a free throw is worth one point would be a good skill to know.
7.) Correctly separate laundry. Now whether this actually gets done all of the time, that's another story. I will reference my formerly white, now pink-tinged, pillowcases that I stupidly threw in with my brand new red sheets I was washing for the first time.
8.) Balance a checkbook. It's sad that a lot of women, and men, don't know how to do this.
9.) Sew on a button. Being able to hem your own pants would be helpful, but super ambitious.
10.) Take a compliment. If someone tells you that you look nice, just say thank you. Don't argue with them. Because then they might say something like, "Never mind. You look awful." And then you'd be pissed.
11.) Flirt. I'll just go right ahead and say this is not one of the 14 things on this list I know how to do.
12.) Take criticism. Sometimes you hurt people's feelings. Sometimes you don't do a good job on a project. Sometimes, you're just a bitch. But you need to be able to be told when you fall short of people's expectations, accept what you're told, and change your behavior.
13.) Put together furniture. Let's be honest...in our 20's a lot of our furniture comes from IKEA. And that stuff has a lot of pieces. Just crack open a root beer and settle in for a long afternoon of putting together the Snarg version of a bookshelf.
14.) Know when clothes are too tight to be worn. Unless you look like Mila Kunis, then chances are there are just some clothes you cannot wear.
15.) Tell a good story. Know how to entertain people when you're talking to them. People do not want to hear about your cat or your bill at Target, but they definitely want to hear about the sex injury you suffered. (Shout out to one of my girlfriends...hope that heals up before your marathon this weekend!) Unless you're at a church function. Then, they probably don't want to hear about that.
16. Drive a stick shift. Because one day when you're super rich, you will have a tiny little sports car that is a stick shift and you need to learn how to drive it.
17.) Know who the leaders of your country are. Because no one wants to end up as a gif or a clip on The Soup telling the world that you think John Boehner is a villain in a Bond movie.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Blog Name Change
Seeing as that I am no longer a redhead, I figured it was time to rename the blog. I hope I'll always be M's Second Favorite Redhead, but I understand if this completely wipes me out of his favor. The Favorite Redhead is way prettier anyway.
So the new title of this blog is Confessions of a Former Goody-Two Shoes. That was going to be the title of one of my books, but let's be honest...my writing isn't good enough to actually be published. It's good for a chuckle here and there on a blog, but not a full length, actual paper book. Or e-book. Since those are the rage with all the kids these days.
Anyway, I used to be such a goody two-shoes. I was the girl who never did anything wrong, who always obeyed her parents, never stayed out past curfew (actually, never went out), and who constantly feared getting in trouble. Like I wouldn't even go sit in empty concert seats a few rows ahead of mine for fear of getting yelled at by the people in yellow jackets at Bridgestone Arena. Although I'm still hesitant to do that.
A lot has changed in the ten years since I moved away from home. I definitely don't think I'm a bad person and my parents are still pretty lucky I turned out as good as I did...I'm pretty great, actually, and I put up with a heck of a lot that most people would not. But that's a whole other chapter that maybe I'll write about someday. Probably not, but never say never.
I curse way more than any Southern lady ever should, make sexually inappropriate jokes on a daily basis, talk about things in public that should stay in private, figure out how to dirty dance to Sandstorm (oh, Blue Bar...), drink too much on occassion (oh, Key West), and probably twenty other things I was raised not to do.
But I also do a lot of good things. I'm good at my job and I enjoy it. In my opinion, I'm a really great friend...I'll do anything I can for you...as long as I like you. I make a mean lasagna and I'm super excellent at rhyming. It's a skill. So obviously, I'm not all bad.
So to all of the readers (all 7 of you) thank you for following my journey as the Second Favorite Redhead and I hope you'll continue to follow my journey into my late 20's. Hopefully I'll survive them in one piece.
So the new title of this blog is Confessions of a Former Goody-Two Shoes. That was going to be the title of one of my books, but let's be honest...my writing isn't good enough to actually be published. It's good for a chuckle here and there on a blog, but not a full length, actual paper book. Or e-book. Since those are the rage with all the kids these days.
Anyway, I used to be such a goody two-shoes. I was the girl who never did anything wrong, who always obeyed her parents, never stayed out past curfew (actually, never went out), and who constantly feared getting in trouble. Like I wouldn't even go sit in empty concert seats a few rows ahead of mine for fear of getting yelled at by the people in yellow jackets at Bridgestone Arena. Although I'm still hesitant to do that.
A lot has changed in the ten years since I moved away from home. I definitely don't think I'm a bad person and my parents are still pretty lucky I turned out as good as I did...I'm pretty great, actually, and I put up with a heck of a lot that most people would not. But that's a whole other chapter that maybe I'll write about someday. Probably not, but never say never.
I curse way more than any Southern lady ever should, make sexually inappropriate jokes on a daily basis, talk about things in public that should stay in private, figure out how to dirty dance to Sandstorm (oh, Blue Bar...), drink too much on occassion (oh, Key West), and probably twenty other things I was raised not to do.
But I also do a lot of good things. I'm good at my job and I enjoy it. In my opinion, I'm a really great friend...I'll do anything I can for you...as long as I like you. I make a mean lasagna and I'm super excellent at rhyming. It's a skill. So obviously, I'm not all bad.
So to all of the readers (all 7 of you) thank you for following my journey as the Second Favorite Redhead and I hope you'll continue to follow my journey into my late 20's. Hopefully I'll survive them in one piece.
Monday, February 18, 2013
A Classy Night in Nashville
So this weekend I had a very classy Nashville weekend...something I don't see many of. Not that I necessarily have trashy weekends, but when the place I frequent in downtown Nashville is called Paradise Park Trailer Park Resort...well, you get the idea.
There are few things I like more in this world than dancing. Which is weird, because my love of dancing is pretty newly developed. I remember my senior prom I only danced slow songs with my date (obviously making room for the Holy Spirit with all of the space between us). I also woke up the next morning because my arms were sore from stretching to reach his shoulders...he was 6'5"! I also wasn't a big dancer in college because I didn't really go out that much. I had a couple of Tin Roof (Tween Roof) nights, but for the most part, I was either with my boyfriend or with his friends. Four guys in the same fraternity dated me and three other girls from my sorority, so we hung out a lot. And our idea of fun was to shoot water balloons at people. Such rebels.
Grad school did not leave much time for dancing since I was too busy being miserable and wondering what the hell I was doing with my life. No, my love of dancing just surfaced about a year ago when I stopped being so damn uptight and just let loose and have fun. Am I a great dancer? Probably not. But give me a good song, my friends, and a fog machine, and I'm a happy girl. The fog machine at Rick's in Key West is one of my top five things ever. When it wasn't working the last night we were there I was highly disappointed and immediately said we had to leave. That's how much I loved that fog machine.
Friday night was all about the 90s. I went to hear My So Called Band, a great 90s cover band. There was moderate dancing there...too many slow 90s songs were played, so my group of girls went to South, the dance bar on Demonbreun. Any time a boyband mashup with Ke$ha is played, I am a happy girl.
But Saturday night was the best. My friend C's brother and sister in law were in town visiting from New York and we wanted to take them out on the town, Nashville style. We started at Desano's which is an amazing pizza place that I recomment to anyone. The staff if super friendly and the pizza is super fast. I also got to show off my tattoo to my friends for the first time, which led to me lifting up the side of my shirt probably too many times in public. But, I'm proud of the thing, so I want to show it off. I also shared on of my favorite stories of my life, which I will share with you now.
A couple of years ago a good friend set me up on a blind date. I hadn't been out on a date in forever and for some reason agreed to participate in the blind date. I figured, I love my friend, so surely she'll pick a good one. Right? Um, wrong. So wrong. He was awful. Don't get me wrong, he was very good looking. But he could not carry on a conversation and didn't laugh at my jokes, which is an immediate deal breaker. So then, he takes me to Zanies after dinner. And they sit us on the front row. I know we're going to get made fun of. So sure enough, the comedian (?) comes out and spots us. It's obvious we're on a date and it's obvious it's not going super well. Cue the following exchange:
Comedian: So, you guys here on a date?
Date: Um...............................................(awkwardly long pause) yes.
Comedian: Is it your first one?
Date: Um...............................................(awkwardly long pause) yes.
Comedian: (to me) So you haven't had sex yet, right?
Me: Actually we fucked in the car in the parking lot before we came in.
Obviously we did not, but I wanted to comedian to leave us alone. The audience died laughing and the comedian didn't really know what to say, but he left us alone. My date then turns to me and says, "I can't believe you said the 'f' word." If you're 30, and you still call it the 'f' word, then more than likely you are never going to get f'ed.
After the pizza place we head to the Big Bang, Nashville's dueling piano bar. We wanted to make sure C's sister in law had fun and thought this would be the place she'd enjoy the most. And boy, was it. Our group was the perfect size. Everyone was dancing with eachother and being silly. And the music was great. I mean, Bon Jovi was played. Can't ask for much more than boy bands and Ke$ha one night and Bon Jovi the next. Both nights were after 2 a.m. nights and my cat was super pissed at me each night when I got home so late. And I didn't smell like an ashtray like I usually do after coming home from the bars, so that was a double bonus.
I'm glad I'm off from work today after such a fun weekend. I'm currently, however, doing something not very smart, by looking at Pinterest and planning my grocery list when I haven't eaten in over 24 hours. I will be amazed if I exit Kroger for less than $100.
Happy President's Day dear readers! Make sure to pour a little out for Washisngton!
There are few things I like more in this world than dancing. Which is weird, because my love of dancing is pretty newly developed. I remember my senior prom I only danced slow songs with my date (obviously making room for the Holy Spirit with all of the space between us). I also woke up the next morning because my arms were sore from stretching to reach his shoulders...he was 6'5"! I also wasn't a big dancer in college because I didn't really go out that much. I had a couple of Tin Roof (Tween Roof) nights, but for the most part, I was either with my boyfriend or with his friends. Four guys in the same fraternity dated me and three other girls from my sorority, so we hung out a lot. And our idea of fun was to shoot water balloons at people. Such rebels.
Grad school did not leave much time for dancing since I was too busy being miserable and wondering what the hell I was doing with my life. No, my love of dancing just surfaced about a year ago when I stopped being so damn uptight and just let loose and have fun. Am I a great dancer? Probably not. But give me a good song, my friends, and a fog machine, and I'm a happy girl. The fog machine at Rick's in Key West is one of my top five things ever. When it wasn't working the last night we were there I was highly disappointed and immediately said we had to leave. That's how much I loved that fog machine.
Friday night was all about the 90s. I went to hear My So Called Band, a great 90s cover band. There was moderate dancing there...too many slow 90s songs were played, so my group of girls went to South, the dance bar on Demonbreun. Any time a boyband mashup with Ke$ha is played, I am a happy girl.
But Saturday night was the best. My friend C's brother and sister in law were in town visiting from New York and we wanted to take them out on the town, Nashville style. We started at Desano's which is an amazing pizza place that I recomment to anyone. The staff if super friendly and the pizza is super fast. I also got to show off my tattoo to my friends for the first time, which led to me lifting up the side of my shirt probably too many times in public. But, I'm proud of the thing, so I want to show it off. I also shared on of my favorite stories of my life, which I will share with you now.
A couple of years ago a good friend set me up on a blind date. I hadn't been out on a date in forever and for some reason agreed to participate in the blind date. I figured, I love my friend, so surely she'll pick a good one. Right? Um, wrong. So wrong. He was awful. Don't get me wrong, he was very good looking. But he could not carry on a conversation and didn't laugh at my jokes, which is an immediate deal breaker. So then, he takes me to Zanies after dinner. And they sit us on the front row. I know we're going to get made fun of. So sure enough, the comedian (?) comes out and spots us. It's obvious we're on a date and it's obvious it's not going super well. Cue the following exchange:
Comedian: So, you guys here on a date?
Date: Um...............................................(awkwardly long pause) yes.
Comedian: Is it your first one?
Date: Um...............................................(awkwardly long pause) yes.
Comedian: (to me) So you haven't had sex yet, right?
Me: Actually we fucked in the car in the parking lot before we came in.
Obviously we did not, but I wanted to comedian to leave us alone. The audience died laughing and the comedian didn't really know what to say, but he left us alone. My date then turns to me and says, "I can't believe you said the 'f' word." If you're 30, and you still call it the 'f' word, then more than likely you are never going to get f'ed.
After the pizza place we head to the Big Bang, Nashville's dueling piano bar. We wanted to make sure C's sister in law had fun and thought this would be the place she'd enjoy the most. And boy, was it. Our group was the perfect size. Everyone was dancing with eachother and being silly. And the music was great. I mean, Bon Jovi was played. Can't ask for much more than boy bands and Ke$ha one night and Bon Jovi the next. Both nights were after 2 a.m. nights and my cat was super pissed at me each night when I got home so late. And I didn't smell like an ashtray like I usually do after coming home from the bars, so that was a double bonus.
I'm glad I'm off from work today after such a fun weekend. I'm currently, however, doing something not very smart, by looking at Pinterest and planning my grocery list when I haven't eaten in over 24 hours. I will be amazed if I exit Kroger for less than $100.
Happy President's Day dear readers! Make sure to pour a little out for Washisngton!
Friday, February 15, 2013
The Story Behind My Tattoo
I think I have already talked about this on here a little bit, but I'm too lazy to go back and re-read all of my entries to figure out where I did so. So, you get another one. Enjoy.
Wednesday, on my 28th birthday, I went and got my first tattoo. It's something I've been thinking about for almost two years, so it was obvious to me that I really wanted one. I chose an infinity symbol with the words "Choose Joy" integrated into the loops, so it means to always and forever choose joy.
I really do think it is possible to choose joy. A very important person in my life chooses the opposite. She's not happy unless she is unhappy. She always sees the negative side of things and has alienated 99% of her friends because of silly things that she sees as huge slights against her. She's lonely and not very happy. Because of her influence on me, I sometimes have a tendency to immediately turn towards the negative as well. But, I realize that I don't have to. I can choose to be happy...I can choose joy.
I'm not saying that I'm happy 100% of the time, but I at least try not to show it and try not to put my unhappiness on others. I also try not to be by myself at times when I am sad. It's amazing how just sitting on the couch with someone, watching one of the Real Housewives franchises can instantly put you in a better mood. If you surround yourself with happy people, it's easy to be happy.
So, my friend C went with me Wednesday to hold my hand and not tell anyone if I cried. Well, I am here to tell you that I didn't cry. I didn't even curse, which for me, is HUGE. The tattoo is on my left ribcage. It wasn't too awfully painful, except for the "CH" because they're right on a bone. Yeah, I definitely felt those. But the whole process was a great experience. My tattoo artist Jon was very professional and gentle, and I was done in a little over 30 minutes. I love the design he came up with and I couldn't be happier that I did it. Even though most people will never see the tattoo, I now carry a constant reminder to choose joy, wherever I go.
I'll end with the story of how I told my mother I was getting a tattoo. This occured over a month ago and she has never brought it up again, so I'm guessing she is choosing to pretend it didn't happen. I'm not going to tell her otherwise.
Me: Mom, I have something very important to tell you. I am getting a tattoo on my birthday.
Mom: (bursts into tears) Anna Charles, they're so tacky!
Me: You don't even know what I'm getting or where.
Mom: I don't want to know. I never want to know.
Me: (getting frustrated) Mom, the only people that are ever going to see this tattoo are the ones that see me naked! (cringe...)
Mom: WHAT?!?! AND HOW MANY PEOPLE SEE YOU NAKED?!?!
Me: Not that many! (cringe again...I was honestly thinking of my spray tanner, my lady doctor, etc., but I know how it sounds.)
Mom: NOT THAT MANY?!?!
Me: Oh fuck.
Yeah. That went well. We decided to hang up after that. This has now become one of my new favorite stories, for obvious reasons. And now you can see why the tattoo has not been mentioned since.
Thanks, as always, for reading. Have a happy Friday and an even better weekend!
Wednesday, on my 28th birthday, I went and got my first tattoo. It's something I've been thinking about for almost two years, so it was obvious to me that I really wanted one. I chose an infinity symbol with the words "Choose Joy" integrated into the loops, so it means to always and forever choose joy.
I really do think it is possible to choose joy. A very important person in my life chooses the opposite. She's not happy unless she is unhappy. She always sees the negative side of things and has alienated 99% of her friends because of silly things that she sees as huge slights against her. She's lonely and not very happy. Because of her influence on me, I sometimes have a tendency to immediately turn towards the negative as well. But, I realize that I don't have to. I can choose to be happy...I can choose joy.
I'm not saying that I'm happy 100% of the time, but I at least try not to show it and try not to put my unhappiness on others. I also try not to be by myself at times when I am sad. It's amazing how just sitting on the couch with someone, watching one of the Real Housewives franchises can instantly put you in a better mood. If you surround yourself with happy people, it's easy to be happy.
So, my friend C went with me Wednesday to hold my hand and not tell anyone if I cried. Well, I am here to tell you that I didn't cry. I didn't even curse, which for me, is HUGE. The tattoo is on my left ribcage. It wasn't too awfully painful, except for the "CH" because they're right on a bone. Yeah, I definitely felt those. But the whole process was a great experience. My tattoo artist Jon was very professional and gentle, and I was done in a little over 30 minutes. I love the design he came up with and I couldn't be happier that I did it. Even though most people will never see the tattoo, I now carry a constant reminder to choose joy, wherever I go.
I'll end with the story of how I told my mother I was getting a tattoo. This occured over a month ago and she has never brought it up again, so I'm guessing she is choosing to pretend it didn't happen. I'm not going to tell her otherwise.
Me: Mom, I have something very important to tell you. I am getting a tattoo on my birthday.
Mom: (bursts into tears) Anna Charles, they're so tacky!
Me: You don't even know what I'm getting or where.
Mom: I don't want to know. I never want to know.
Me: (getting frustrated) Mom, the only people that are ever going to see this tattoo are the ones that see me naked! (cringe...)
Mom: WHAT?!?! AND HOW MANY PEOPLE SEE YOU NAKED?!?!
Me: Not that many! (cringe again...I was honestly thinking of my spray tanner, my lady doctor, etc., but I know how it sounds.)
Mom: NOT THAT MANY?!?!
Me: Oh fuck.
Yeah. That went well. We decided to hang up after that. This has now become one of my new favorite stories, for obvious reasons. And now you can see why the tattoo has not been mentioned since.
Thanks, as always, for reading. Have a happy Friday and an even better weekend!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
What To Give Up For Lent...
So, today is Fat Tuesday. For some reason it seems incredibly early to me. Every year I give up something but I feel unprepared this year. I began to think to myself what are things people commonly give up, and what would my success rate be giving up those same things? So then, instead of thinking for myself, I just googled it. This is OpenBible's list of the things most people give up for Lent. Let's discuss:
Chocolate: I don't like it that much anyway so this would be too easy.
Smoking: I don't smoke, so again, too easy.
Drinking: Well, Ash Wednesday is my birthday and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a cocktail on my birthday. I don't want to do a half-assed version of Lent (pretty sure Jesus does not approve of me using half-ass and Lent in the same sentence) so I'll refrain from this one. But I'm also starting another 30 day challenge on the 14th, so I'll be giving up alcohol anyway.
Cursing: Hell no.
Facebook: Even though I need to, I don't think I can. I'm sure everyone would be glad to not read my annoying and frequent status updates all the time, but sorry folks...you're probably still going to see them.
Television: Gotta have my Biggest Loser, Girls, and Modern Family fixes.
Dating: Again, sadly, way too easy.
Fast Food: Haven't had any since 2012 so this is a no-brainer too.
Giving Up Things: This is the "working hard or hardly working" equivalent of Lent. Don't be a nerd and do this.
Soda: Rarely drink it anyway. My life sounds really boring after going through this list. I swear it's not.
Sex: Um...if you're having it, why would you give this up? That's stupid.
Shopping: Considering I need to buy food, this is going to be a no. I'm sure it means clothes shopping, but since I rarely do that yet I seem to be at the grocery store three times a week, I'm going to take this to mean grocery shopping.
Sweets: Again, don't eat them, don't care.
Religion: Gave that up a long time ago.
Makeup: The world would not like if I gave this up. World > Lent
Coffee: This, I could do. In fact, this might be the winner.
Meat: Considering I used to be a vegetarian, I could easily do this too. But I won't, because i just bought some scallops I can't wait to cook.
Cheese: I couldn't live.
So, it looks like coffee will be the winner. I'll make sure to make one last trip to Starbucks and pour a little out in honor of my sacrifice. I'm sure my coworkers will love the fact I'm giving up coffee.
Chocolate: I don't like it that much anyway so this would be too easy.
Smoking: I don't smoke, so again, too easy.
Drinking: Well, Ash Wednesday is my birthday and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a cocktail on my birthday. I don't want to do a half-assed version of Lent (pretty sure Jesus does not approve of me using half-ass and Lent in the same sentence) so I'll refrain from this one. But I'm also starting another 30 day challenge on the 14th, so I'll be giving up alcohol anyway.
Cursing: Hell no.
Facebook: Even though I need to, I don't think I can. I'm sure everyone would be glad to not read my annoying and frequent status updates all the time, but sorry folks...you're probably still going to see them.
Television: Gotta have my Biggest Loser, Girls, and Modern Family fixes.
Dating: Again, sadly, way too easy.
Fast Food: Haven't had any since 2012 so this is a no-brainer too.
Giving Up Things: This is the "working hard or hardly working" equivalent of Lent. Don't be a nerd and do this.
Soda: Rarely drink it anyway. My life sounds really boring after going through this list. I swear it's not.
Sex: Um...if you're having it, why would you give this up? That's stupid.
Shopping: Considering I need to buy food, this is going to be a no. I'm sure it means clothes shopping, but since I rarely do that yet I seem to be at the grocery store three times a week, I'm going to take this to mean grocery shopping.
Sweets: Again, don't eat them, don't care.
Religion: Gave that up a long time ago.
Makeup: The world would not like if I gave this up. World > Lent
Coffee: This, I could do. In fact, this might be the winner.
Meat: Considering I used to be a vegetarian, I could easily do this too. But I won't, because i just bought some scallops I can't wait to cook.
Cheese: I couldn't live.
So, it looks like coffee will be the winner. I'll make sure to make one last trip to Starbucks and pour a little out in honor of my sacrifice. I'm sure my coworkers will love the fact I'm giving up coffee.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
An Open Letter To Men Who Heckle Women On Their Way To Work
Okay, let's just get this out there: I have a big butt (and I cannot lie...zing!) I always have and I always will. Even when I was anorexic in high school and ate nothing but lettuce and diet pills, I had a butt. It's genetic. I could go to five spin classes a day and it wouldn't go away. It's the last place I lose weight even though I wish it was the first. I've come to accept it.
What I will not ever come to accept, however, are men that don't know me, yet seem to think it's socially appropriate to comment on my ass when I walk by them on my way to my parking garage downtown. Catcalls of "Damn Girl!" and "Look at that ass!" are not welcome and I had to muster every ounce of self control I possessed not to unload all of my frustrations on a group of men Monday afternoon who proceeded to yell the previously mentioned catcalls while I walked down 5th Avenue. But, these days, women have to be careful who they yell at. And a group of five guys vs. one 5'2" girl is probably not a winning combination.
Do you mean those catcalls as a compliment? I get it. Some guys are butt guys, some are boob guys. I happen to be the jackpot for butt guys. But yelling at a woman on a crowded street is not the best way to give a compliment. Most women are very self-conscious about their appearance, myself included. Call me vain, I don't care. But I don't want what I see as a flaw pointed out within earshot of my boss. How would you like if I "complimented" you on a feature of your appearance you didn't like? Something like "Wow! I can almost see all the way to the back of your throat thanks to the huge gap between your teeth!" or "What an attractive ankle monitor you have!" Bet you wouldn't be a fan of that. Even though I do applaud your efforts to graffiti said ankle monitor. Really gives it flair.
You want to give me a compliment? Great. Tell me you like my shoes (they're always fabulous) or I look nice in my new skirt (I do) or that you like my smile (thanks to my parents and a hefty orthodontist bill). Do not yell at me, empowered by your buddies standing around you, especially about my butt. Because that will make me want to kick yours. And after a month of going to the spin nazi's spin classes, I probably could.
Love & Light,
A.
What I will not ever come to accept, however, are men that don't know me, yet seem to think it's socially appropriate to comment on my ass when I walk by them on my way to my parking garage downtown. Catcalls of "Damn Girl!" and "Look at that ass!" are not welcome and I had to muster every ounce of self control I possessed not to unload all of my frustrations on a group of men Monday afternoon who proceeded to yell the previously mentioned catcalls while I walked down 5th Avenue. But, these days, women have to be careful who they yell at. And a group of five guys vs. one 5'2" girl is probably not a winning combination.
Do you mean those catcalls as a compliment? I get it. Some guys are butt guys, some are boob guys. I happen to be the jackpot for butt guys. But yelling at a woman on a crowded street is not the best way to give a compliment. Most women are very self-conscious about their appearance, myself included. Call me vain, I don't care. But I don't want what I see as a flaw pointed out within earshot of my boss. How would you like if I "complimented" you on a feature of your appearance you didn't like? Something like "Wow! I can almost see all the way to the back of your throat thanks to the huge gap between your teeth!" or "What an attractive ankle monitor you have!" Bet you wouldn't be a fan of that. Even though I do applaud your efforts to graffiti said ankle monitor. Really gives it flair.
You want to give me a compliment? Great. Tell me you like my shoes (they're always fabulous) or I look nice in my new skirt (I do) or that you like my smile (thanks to my parents and a hefty orthodontist bill). Do not yell at me, empowered by your buddies standing around you, especially about my butt. Because that will make me want to kick yours. And after a month of going to the spin nazi's spin classes, I probably could.
Love & Light,
A.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
28 Lessons I Have Learned in 27.9 Years
So my birthday is next week. I'll be 28. Well, my dad thinks I'm turning 26 but he's totally wrong. Thank goodness I'm not turning 26. That year sucked and I'd hate to go through that again.
So since I've basically learned everything I'm going to learn in life at this point, I thought I'd share 28 of the most important things I've learned since I've been on this planet. Enjoy.
1.) Guys are to be forgiven no less than 20 times for acts of douchery, being a jerk, and treating you like you're not important. But girls, you have one night of being emotional (and/or crazy) and that dude is never texting you again.
2.) Whenever someone says "no offense but..." they are lying. They actually mean extreme offense.
3.) If one person calls you a bitch it might be because you are a strong, capable woman and you intimidate them. If more than one person calls you a bitch, you are probably a bitch.
4.) There are few things in life scarier than a clown. Except maybe children's beauty pageants.
5.) Very little is actually accomplished after 2:00 p.m. on a workday.
6.) If you wear an all white outfit you will get some sort of stain on it. And Shout wipes do not get everything out.
7.) What happens in Vegas no longer stays in Vegas thanks to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and bad friends.
8.) If you wouldn't let your friend date a guy, you shouldn't date him either.
9.) It's okay to say, "I don't know." I say it at least four times a day. #HistoryMajorWorkingWithNumbers
10.) More than likely you will not end up in a job where you will use your degree. Especially if you major in drums. Which was actually a thing, at my alma mater.
11.) If you want to meet a guy at a bar, do not wear your cutest outfit, shave your legs or get a wax. Because you will meet no one. Wear jeans, your glasses, and don't shave your legs for three days. Because that's always when it happens. Side note, being aware of your unshaven legs will help you to not be slutty. Bonus!
12.) Nothing 'diet' tastes as good as the real thing. Just go ahead and have the regular, full-fat coke.
13.) If you are going out and plan on having a really good time, give your phone to a friend. There are few feelings worse than waking up the next morning and seeing the text messages you sent to the people you only text when you're inebriated.
14.) Never ask a guy if you look fat in something. If you think you look fat you probably do, so just take the skinny jeans off of your not-so-skinny body and let the boy be.
15.) Just because Facebook makes it easy to stalk people doesn't mean you should do it.
16.) Don't hurt other people's feelings to make yourself feel bigger. In other words, don't be an ass.
17.) When people say they want a romance like they read about in a Nicholas Sparks book (I've actually had more than one person say this to me in life) make sure to remind them that people usually die in those books. And dying really puts a damper on romance.
18.) If you are ever say you're never going to be that person that talks about her kid all the time/only talks about her wedding/shares her children's bathroom habits, you probably will be that person. Just don't do it on Facebook where I have to read it.
19.) Your mother usually is right. (Damn.) Just don't tell her that.
20.) Do your jeans shopping at Old Navy. They have generous sizing and will make you feel so much better about yourself than Hollister. And if you're 28, why are you still shopping at Hollister?
21.) Keep in touch with old co-workers. I loathe the term 'networking' but it really is about who you know these days, so network away.
22.) When someone asks for your opinion, be sure to gauge whether they really want it, or if they just want you to agree with them. Because usually it's the latter.
23.) Sometimes a girl needs a good cry. It doesn't mean you're weak, it doesn't mean you're a basket case, it just means you need to let it all out and then get back down to business.
24.) You can never have too many friends.
25.) Everyone has those few people they can't believe they dated/hooked up with. But if that "few people" turns into a number that you need to use more than both hands to count, you might want to take a look at your choices.
26.) Crocs are never a good idea.
27.) If you're feeling ugly, put on a cute lingerie set under your clothes. Whether you're 120 lbs or 210 lbs, you'll instantly feel better.
28.) Be yourself and own it. You are who you are, and at this point you're likely not to change. So embrace your love of all things Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, Lewis & Clark, and whatever other nerdy quirks you have. People who really love you will embrace them too. And will most likely put their images on cupcakes for your birthday, if you're lucky.
So since I've basically learned everything I'm going to learn in life at this point, I thought I'd share 28 of the most important things I've learned since I've been on this planet. Enjoy.
1.) Guys are to be forgiven no less than 20 times for acts of douchery, being a jerk, and treating you like you're not important. But girls, you have one night of being emotional (and/or crazy) and that dude is never texting you again.
2.) Whenever someone says "no offense but..." they are lying. They actually mean extreme offense.
3.) If one person calls you a bitch it might be because you are a strong, capable woman and you intimidate them. If more than one person calls you a bitch, you are probably a bitch.
4.) There are few things in life scarier than a clown. Except maybe children's beauty pageants.
5.) Very little is actually accomplished after 2:00 p.m. on a workday.
6.) If you wear an all white outfit you will get some sort of stain on it. And Shout wipes do not get everything out.
7.) What happens in Vegas no longer stays in Vegas thanks to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and bad friends.
8.) If you wouldn't let your friend date a guy, you shouldn't date him either.
9.) It's okay to say, "I don't know." I say it at least four times a day. #HistoryMajorWorkingWithNumbers
10.) More than likely you will not end up in a job where you will use your degree. Especially if you major in drums. Which was actually a thing, at my alma mater.
11.) If you want to meet a guy at a bar, do not wear your cutest outfit, shave your legs or get a wax. Because you will meet no one. Wear jeans, your glasses, and don't shave your legs for three days. Because that's always when it happens. Side note, being aware of your unshaven legs will help you to not be slutty. Bonus!
12.) Nothing 'diet' tastes as good as the real thing. Just go ahead and have the regular, full-fat coke.
13.) If you are going out and plan on having a really good time, give your phone to a friend. There are few feelings worse than waking up the next morning and seeing the text messages you sent to the people you only text when you're inebriated.
14.) Never ask a guy if you look fat in something. If you think you look fat you probably do, so just take the skinny jeans off of your not-so-skinny body and let the boy be.
15.) Just because Facebook makes it easy to stalk people doesn't mean you should do it.
16.) Don't hurt other people's feelings to make yourself feel bigger. In other words, don't be an ass.
17.) When people say they want a romance like they read about in a Nicholas Sparks book (I've actually had more than one person say this to me in life) make sure to remind them that people usually die in those books. And dying really puts a damper on romance.
18.) If you are ever say you're never going to be that person that talks about her kid all the time/only talks about her wedding/shares her children's bathroom habits, you probably will be that person. Just don't do it on Facebook where I have to read it.
19.) Your mother usually is right. (Damn.) Just don't tell her that.
20.) Do your jeans shopping at Old Navy. They have generous sizing and will make you feel so much better about yourself than Hollister. And if you're 28, why are you still shopping at Hollister?
21.) Keep in touch with old co-workers. I loathe the term 'networking' but it really is about who you know these days, so network away.
22.) When someone asks for your opinion, be sure to gauge whether they really want it, or if they just want you to agree with them. Because usually it's the latter.
23.) Sometimes a girl needs a good cry. It doesn't mean you're weak, it doesn't mean you're a basket case, it just means you need to let it all out and then get back down to business.
24.) You can never have too many friends.
25.) Everyone has those few people they can't believe they dated/hooked up with. But if that "few people" turns into a number that you need to use more than both hands to count, you might want to take a look at your choices.
26.) Crocs are never a good idea.
27.) If you're feeling ugly, put on a cute lingerie set under your clothes. Whether you're 120 lbs or 210 lbs, you'll instantly feel better.
28.) Be yourself and own it. You are who you are, and at this point you're likely not to change. So embrace your love of all things Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, Lewis & Clark, and whatever other nerdy quirks you have. People who really love you will embrace them too. And will most likely put their images on cupcakes for your birthday, if you're lucky.
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