So my birthday is next week. I'll be 28. Well, my dad thinks I'm turning 26 but he's totally wrong. Thank goodness I'm not turning 26. That year sucked and I'd hate to go through that again.
So since I've basically learned everything I'm going to learn in life at this point, I thought I'd share 28 of the most important things I've learned since I've been on this planet. Enjoy.
1.) Guys are to be forgiven no less than 20 times for acts of douchery, being a jerk, and treating you like you're not important. But girls, you have one night of being emotional (and/or crazy) and that dude is never texting you again.
2.) Whenever someone says "no offense but..." they are lying. They actually mean extreme offense.
3.) If one person calls you a bitch it might be because you are a strong, capable woman and you intimidate them. If more than one person calls you a bitch, you are probably a bitch.
4.) There are few things in life scarier than a clown. Except maybe children's beauty pageants.
5.) Very little is actually accomplished after 2:00 p.m. on a workday.
6.) If you wear an all white outfit you will get some sort of stain on it. And Shout wipes do not get everything out.
7.) What happens in Vegas no longer stays in Vegas thanks to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and bad friends.
8.) If you wouldn't let your friend date a guy, you shouldn't date him either.
9.) It's okay to say, "I don't know." I say it at least four times a day. #HistoryMajorWorkingWithNumbers
10.) More than likely you will not end up in a job where you will use your degree. Especially if you major in drums. Which was actually a thing, at my alma mater.
11.) If you want to meet a guy at a bar, do not wear your cutest outfit, shave your legs or get a wax. Because you will meet no one. Wear jeans, your glasses, and don't shave your legs for three days. Because that's always when it happens. Side note, being aware of your unshaven legs will help you to not be slutty. Bonus!
12.) Nothing 'diet' tastes as good as the real thing. Just go ahead and have the regular, full-fat coke.
13.) If you are going out and plan on having a really good time, give your phone to a friend. There are few feelings worse than waking up the next morning and seeing the text messages you sent to the people you only text when you're inebriated.
14.) Never ask a guy if you look fat in something. If you think you look fat you probably do, so just take the skinny jeans off of your not-so-skinny body and let the boy be.
15.) Just because Facebook makes it easy to stalk people doesn't mean you should do it.
16.) Don't hurt other people's feelings to make yourself feel bigger. In other words, don't be an ass.
17.) When people say they want a romance like they read about in a Nicholas Sparks book (I've actually had more than one person say this to me in life) make sure to remind them that people usually die in those books. And dying really puts a damper on romance.
18.) If you are ever say you're never going to be that person that talks about her kid all the time/only talks about her wedding/shares her children's bathroom habits, you probably will be that person. Just don't do it on Facebook where I have to read it.
19.) Your mother usually is right. (Damn.) Just don't tell her that.
20.) Do your jeans shopping at Old Navy. They have generous sizing and will make you feel so much better about yourself than Hollister. And if you're 28, why are you still shopping at Hollister?
21.) Keep in touch with old co-workers. I loathe the term 'networking' but it really is about who you know these days, so network away.
22.) When someone asks for your opinion, be sure to gauge whether they really want it, or if they just want you to agree with them. Because usually it's the latter.
23.) Sometimes a girl needs a good cry. It doesn't mean you're weak, it doesn't mean you're a basket case, it just means you need to let it all out and then get back down to business.
24.) You can never have too many friends.
25.) Everyone has those few people they can't believe they dated/hooked up with. But if that "few people" turns into a number that you need to use more than both hands to count, you might want to take a look at your choices.
26.) Crocs are never a good idea.
27.) If you're feeling ugly, put on a cute lingerie set under your clothes. Whether you're 120 lbs or 210 lbs, you'll instantly feel better.
28.) Be yourself and own it. You are who you are, and at this point you're likely not to change. So embrace your love of all things Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, Lewis & Clark, and whatever other nerdy quirks you have. People who really love you will embrace them too. And will most likely put their images on cupcakes for your birthday, if you're lucky.
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