Girl's Version
Okay girl. It happened. You have a date. An actual male grew the balls, picked up his iPhone 5 and called you to ask you out. This is such a rare occurence you almost forgot what you're supposed to say after he asked you to go to dinner. Thoughts such as you mean you want to take me out in public? Where people might see us together? You don't just want me to come over and "hang out and whatever?" race through your head because it has been so long (cough * three years* cough) since this last happened that you immediately call four of your best girlfriends to squeal, squawk, and stress about what his plans say about his feelings toward you. He's taking you to Tavern? Trendy, yet not pretentious, nice but not too nice, and their falafel is to die for. He's actually picking you up? This is major. Take note as to whether he cleans out his car for you. He asked you out for a Thursday night? That says I like you a lot but I'm not sure if I'm ready to make you my weekend girl...note to self, dazzle him so you become weekend girl.
After calling your girlfriends you immediately perform the following to-do list:
1.) Make a wax appointment. I mean, you don't want to be totally slutty on the first date. But just in case you change your mind, you want to be prepared. Make the appointment for the night before so all redness and swelling has time to go down. And plus, you really like your waxer and want to tell her that someone might actually get to admire her work.
2.) Decide what underwear you're wearing. Hey, like I said, you're not planning on him seeing them. But, as a former Girl Scout, I know the importance of preparation for any situation.
3.) Bump up the workout/tanning schedule. Because that extra hour of cardio is really going to make a difference in how you look in your black skinny jeans.
4.) Buy a new outfit. Because the three racks of clothes in your closet can't possibly hold anything that will make you the Saturday night girl.
5.) Clean your house. Because you might want to invite him in at the end of the night. And you do not want him to get cat hair all over his L.L. Bean pullover.
Day of date:
Start getting ready two hours before dude is to pick you up. It takes time to look like you didn't put any effort into your look and that you are low maintenance and totally approachable.
When he arrives, make him wait for 30 seconds at the door. You don't want him to think you had been sitting on the couch for 10 minutes, eagerly waiting for him to arrive (you totally were...actually, for 20 minutes).
One the date:
Be normal. Don't be a spaz. Spazzes do not get second dates.
After the date:
Depending on how the date went, you now have the daunting decision of whether to invite him in or not. You most likely shouldn't since inviting someone inside your apartment for one last glass of wine usually leads to a lot more than a glass of wine, and you want to make him work for it a little bit, but let's be honest ladies. This day and time an actual date doesn't happen that often. So you might decide to seize the opportunity life gives you and invite the guy in. Whatever you choose, more power to you. You know you're going to be mad at yourself either way.
Days after the date: Do. Not. Initiate. Contact. You know you want to text him. Don't. As much as it sucks, it's up to him to do that. And if he doesn't, you have to realize that a.) you gave it up too soon, b.) he's just not that into you, or c.) he's been really busy and hasn't had the 0.3 seconds it takes to send a text to get back in contact with you (usually never the case, but also usually the option girls decide to tell themselves.)
Guy's Version
Decide girl has a cute ass.
Look at bank account to see where you can afford to take her for dinner.
Actually pick up phone and call girl with cute ass.
Maybe shave. Maybe.
Pick her up.
Act like yourself.
Either get laid or go home.
Decide five days after the date you might get laid again/get laid this time and make the decision whether to call her again.
Go back to watching Duck Dynasty.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
The Five People You Meet Downtown...On A Weekday
Greetings friends.
I guess it's been a while. Well, that's a bit of a lie. I have written about three entries but decided to delete them because there are things that even I think are TMI on the interbwebs.
Some of you may have read my entries about people you meet out in Nashville on a Saturday night. Well, this is the same idea, except these are five of the people you meet downtown on a weekday. I'm not talking about Broadway downtown (btw, I was on Broadway for maybe the first time ever during daylight this past weekend for an epic 90s Country Star Bar Crawl...it looks so different!)...I'm talking about business district (?) downtown. Since I work in the middle of the downtown area, I consider myself an expert. Let's begin.
1.) The Blackberry boys. Now don't get me wrong. Legislative session is one of my favorite times of year because it means I am constantly surrounded by young men in suits. Power lunching at Pucketts? Suits. Cheap eating at Subway? Suits. Carb loading at Chili Burrito/Cocina/Blue Coast Burrito/It All Tastes The Same? More suits. It's a great time to be a 20 something girl working downtown. I imagine this is is how the male population must feel when it's warm enough for girls to wear their (slutty) sundresses again. But guys, do you seriously have to be on your Blackberry non-stop? I guarantee you that at age 27 you are not important enough to need people to have access to you 24/7. Unless you're waiting to see if your boss wants mayo or dijon mustard on his sandwich...which let's be honest, is probably what you're waiting to hear. Oh, you're super important and have to scroll through your email constantly and look bothered when the Subway dude asks for your order? I'm sorry. Reading those Legislative News Summaries and getting calendar appointments about a meeting about a meeting you have to attend must be really thought provoking. Don't get me wrong. I have been that girl that sits at a table with both my cell phone and my Blackberry in front of me. But I'm usually more concerned about my cell phone alerting me to the fact that someone liked my Facebook status rather than occassionally glancing at my Blackberry to make sure no crisis is going on at work. I mainly use my Blackberry when I'm home sick or on vacation...which I think is probably the original purpose of the Blackberry. But I guess if some people need to be attached to their work-paid-for cellular device to make them feel important, have at it. But if you have a Blackberry and then say you don't have a business card when I ask for yours, your credibility is out the window. I bet you pay for that damn thing yourself, just to look better.
2.) The woman who does not wear smart shoes.
Ladies, I get it. You want to look good while you're downtown because there are lots of good looking men in suits. But few things are less attractive then a woman walking around in a smartly tailored suit and either sneakers or way too high heels. Sneakers and tights? There are not enough characters in this blog space to describe why that combination is heinous. And I am a fan of the 3-4 inch heel, but not when I'm walking from my parking garage to my office. I wear flats, or my comfy reasonable heels, and then change into my fabulous shoes when I'm at my desk. Downtown is a pitfall of shitty sidewalks, grates, and questionable things you do not want to step in. So buy a pair of black flats, use them for your travels, and wear your good shoes when you need to dazzle. I'm not even going to comment on how lame I think that sentence is.
3.) The people who do not close the blinds to their hotel rooms.
Currently my office is in a building that looks straight at the Doubletree Hotel. Now this was fun when Connie Britton and Hayden PannetieIDon'tKnowWhatHerLastNameIs were filming an episode of Nashville there...and I do enjoy the convenience of the Starbucks (RIP giftcard)...but I do not enjoy looking out my office window to see some "afternoon delights" going on. We've only been here since December and already I've seen my fill. People, if you can see out the window, chances are other people can see in. Close the blinds. Or, if you're into the whole being spied on thing, don't. Whatever...it's your choice. But can you at least go to the other side of the room away from my window so I don't have to see things I can never unsee? Please and thank you.
4.) The wandering tourists.
Let's face it, they're lost. They were supposed to take a left out of their hotel but instead took a right and now want to know where Tootsies is. You point in the opposite direction and say it's like six blocks away and they look at you in abject horror about how far away it is, when they were told it was right downtown. Which, it would have been, had they not walked five blocks in the wrong direction. For some reason tourists always want to take picture out in front of our temporary building, by a statue near the ATMs. I do not get the appeal. It's not even historic or country music related. At least, I don't think it is. I don't pay that much attention.
5.) The person that almost gets hit by a bus.
Sadly, this is frequently me. I feel like I'm too short to be properly seen by bus drivers, so when I'm by myself crossing the street, even when I have the right of way, I feel as if I could get hit at any moment. Then you have the idiots that run right into traffic and then get pissed because they almost get hit. Um...see that blinking red hand in a "STOP" motion? That means DO NOT KEEP WALKING. Think you can make it before the MTA jumbo bus flattens you? More power to you, sir. Godspeed...literally. Some days you can tell how the rest of the day is going to go simply by how many times you had to cheat death in order to get to your office building. This day I only had to dodge a moving vehicle twice, so I felt pretty good about the day. And so far, it has been pretty good. But with night coming so early now, the trek back to the car is always the most dangerous. I should start wearing one of those Day Glo orange vests or something for protection but no...they look like UT uniforms. And I'd rather take my chances being hit by a bus than look like I might support that school. #Priorities.
Not sure if there will be three versions of the people you meet during the daytime, but who knows. Guess it depends on the people I run into and if I feel like I have enough material to cleverly mock them.
Till next time, Happy almost my birthday month!
I guess it's been a while. Well, that's a bit of a lie. I have written about three entries but decided to delete them because there are things that even I think are TMI on the interbwebs.
Some of you may have read my entries about people you meet out in Nashville on a Saturday night. Well, this is the same idea, except these are five of the people you meet downtown on a weekday. I'm not talking about Broadway downtown (btw, I was on Broadway for maybe the first time ever during daylight this past weekend for an epic 90s Country Star Bar Crawl...it looks so different!)...I'm talking about business district (?) downtown. Since I work in the middle of the downtown area, I consider myself an expert. Let's begin.
1.) The Blackberry boys. Now don't get me wrong. Legislative session is one of my favorite times of year because it means I am constantly surrounded by young men in suits. Power lunching at Pucketts? Suits. Cheap eating at Subway? Suits. Carb loading at Chili Burrito/Cocina/Blue Coast Burrito/It All Tastes The Same? More suits. It's a great time to be a 20 something girl working downtown. I imagine this is is how the male population must feel when it's warm enough for girls to wear their (slutty) sundresses again. But guys, do you seriously have to be on your Blackberry non-stop? I guarantee you that at age 27 you are not important enough to need people to have access to you 24/7. Unless you're waiting to see if your boss wants mayo or dijon mustard on his sandwich...which let's be honest, is probably what you're waiting to hear. Oh, you're super important and have to scroll through your email constantly and look bothered when the Subway dude asks for your order? I'm sorry. Reading those Legislative News Summaries and getting calendar appointments about a meeting about a meeting you have to attend must be really thought provoking. Don't get me wrong. I have been that girl that sits at a table with both my cell phone and my Blackberry in front of me. But I'm usually more concerned about my cell phone alerting me to the fact that someone liked my Facebook status rather than occassionally glancing at my Blackberry to make sure no crisis is going on at work. I mainly use my Blackberry when I'm home sick or on vacation...which I think is probably the original purpose of the Blackberry. But I guess if some people need to be attached to their work-paid-for cellular device to make them feel important, have at it. But if you have a Blackberry and then say you don't have a business card when I ask for yours, your credibility is out the window. I bet you pay for that damn thing yourself, just to look better.
2.) The woman who does not wear smart shoes.
Ladies, I get it. You want to look good while you're downtown because there are lots of good looking men in suits. But few things are less attractive then a woman walking around in a smartly tailored suit and either sneakers or way too high heels. Sneakers and tights? There are not enough characters in this blog space to describe why that combination is heinous. And I am a fan of the 3-4 inch heel, but not when I'm walking from my parking garage to my office. I wear flats, or my comfy reasonable heels, and then change into my fabulous shoes when I'm at my desk. Downtown is a pitfall of shitty sidewalks, grates, and questionable things you do not want to step in. So buy a pair of black flats, use them for your travels, and wear your good shoes when you need to dazzle. I'm not even going to comment on how lame I think that sentence is.
3.) The people who do not close the blinds to their hotel rooms.
Currently my office is in a building that looks straight at the Doubletree Hotel. Now this was fun when Connie Britton and Hayden PannetieIDon'tKnowWhatHerLastNameIs were filming an episode of Nashville there...and I do enjoy the convenience of the Starbucks (RIP giftcard)...but I do not enjoy looking out my office window to see some "afternoon delights" going on. We've only been here since December and already I've seen my fill. People, if you can see out the window, chances are other people can see in. Close the blinds. Or, if you're into the whole being spied on thing, don't. Whatever...it's your choice. But can you at least go to the other side of the room away from my window so I don't have to see things I can never unsee? Please and thank you.
4.) The wandering tourists.
Let's face it, they're lost. They were supposed to take a left out of their hotel but instead took a right and now want to know where Tootsies is. You point in the opposite direction and say it's like six blocks away and they look at you in abject horror about how far away it is, when they were told it was right downtown. Which, it would have been, had they not walked five blocks in the wrong direction. For some reason tourists always want to take picture out in front of our temporary building, by a statue near the ATMs. I do not get the appeal. It's not even historic or country music related. At least, I don't think it is. I don't pay that much attention.
5.) The person that almost gets hit by a bus.
Sadly, this is frequently me. I feel like I'm too short to be properly seen by bus drivers, so when I'm by myself crossing the street, even when I have the right of way, I feel as if I could get hit at any moment. Then you have the idiots that run right into traffic and then get pissed because they almost get hit. Um...see that blinking red hand in a "STOP" motion? That means DO NOT KEEP WALKING. Think you can make it before the MTA jumbo bus flattens you? More power to you, sir. Godspeed...literally. Some days you can tell how the rest of the day is going to go simply by how many times you had to cheat death in order to get to your office building. This day I only had to dodge a moving vehicle twice, so I felt pretty good about the day. And so far, it has been pretty good. But with night coming so early now, the trek back to the car is always the most dangerous. I should start wearing one of those Day Glo orange vests or something for protection but no...they look like UT uniforms. And I'd rather take my chances being hit by a bus than look like I might support that school. #Priorities.
Not sure if there will be three versions of the people you meet during the daytime, but who knows. Guess it depends on the people I run into and if I feel like I have enough material to cleverly mock them.
Till next time, Happy almost my birthday month!
Friday, January 18, 2013
Anatomy of a Wedding...From the Perspective of a Guest
Okay. So you may be wondering why I am writing about weddings, since, if you've read this blog for a while, it doesn't seem like I like them very much. Oh contrare. I love weddings. I just don't really like marriage. Well...I 98.6271% don't like marriage. I'll never say I'll never get married, it will just take a very patient, strong, caring, wonderful man to make me change my mind, and I'm pretty sure he does not exist. But if he does, God help him if he has to put up with me for the rest of his life.
Anyway, back to weddings. I will be attending quite a few of them in 2013. And, for the first time, I can actually say I'm genuinely excited about each one of them. I have not been able to say that about all of the weddings I have attended in the past. I'm sure you've been to at least one wedding where you're like 'this is not going to work out.' You gripe and grumble about having a buy a gift for the couple that you know they're just going to be dividing up in the divorce agreement in a few years. Or months. Or days, if it's a Kardashian wedding...zing! Yes, I went there.
So below are my thoughts and observations about the wedding process, as told from the perspective of a guest. Enjoy. Or not.
The Viewing of the Rock
He liked it, so he put a ring on it. I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better, I cringed a bit when I wrote that. Now, I am not one of those people that get annoyed when girls post pictures of their ring on Facebook, or any other social media outlet. I figure, if you earned it, show it off! I'd much rather look at a pretty piece of jewelry than read yet another post about someone's kid finally going 'peepee in the potty.' Now I have been told that because I'm not a parent I don't understand, but fortheloveofPeterandPaulandMaryandJosephandHabbakuk I don't think I'll ever be okay with hearing about other's people's spawn's bathroom habits, even if I have a brood of my own one day. It's gross. I also like seeing the ring because I'm a girl and I like to judge. It's what we do. Is it too big or too small or just right? Is it ugly? Would I want a ring like that? Most girls probably go through this mental process when viewing engagement rings. And if they say they don't, they are liars. I like hearing the proposal story too. The guy's perspective is my favorite. I can't imagine how nervewracking it is to propose to a girl. But then I remember that the proposal usually leads to the girl carrying children, going through the actual childbirth, and having to lose pregnancy weight, and I no longer feel compassion for the guy.
The Engagement Party
The first of many celebrations for the happy couple. Even though I normally have a heart of ice, I love seeing people I love happy. Free champagne is also an occassional benefit of the Engagement Party. Try and get a female server at the restaurant with an engagement ring on her finger. You are much more likely to get free stuff if the person serving it to you is happily engaged as well. Avoid divorced women servers if possible. I enjoy Engagement Parties because of the toasts as well. Some people are really good at them and other are...not. But the good ones are usually funny or make the bride-to-be cry. Or involved jazz hands. The groom just sits there still looking relieved she said yes.
The Buying of the Gifts
That chicken dinner and open bar at the wedding come at a price. You have to shower the couple with gifts in order to earn them. Well, you don't have to, but you come off as cheap if you don't, so you'd better just whip out that credit card and suck it up. Now, depending on how well you know the couple, you may spend a lot of money or not very much. For example, if the wedding is for a sorority sister you haven't seen in four years, she's probably getting towels. Which is fine because everyone needs towels. If the couple is a good friend of yours, they're getting the waffle iron, equally because you love them and because you hope to be invited over for breakfast or brunch at some point where the waffle iron will be used. Here's one of the big things I don't understand about weddings: why the hell would you ever buy a couple something that is not on their registry!?!? They literally spell out for you what they want. You can buy online and have it shipped to them or go to the store. It's not a hard concept. I went to a wedding shower for my best friend a few years ago and was appalled at all of the absolute shit she got that she didn't ask for. How many 'God Bless This House' plaques does one couple need? Answer: NONE. Because she didn't register for any.
The Wedding Showers
Some are fun. Some are lame. Some are way lame. But, showers are a great way for your friend groups to meet before the wedding. Your high school gal pals get to meet your after college friends and that makes the reception even more fun. Don't play games surrounding who knows the bride the best, however. The bride's friendship is not a competition. You don't want to be like Kristin Wiig in 'Bridesmaids', trying to prove that you're the bride's BFF&E&E&E&E. Plus, creative cocktails are usually served and I, for one, am a fan of creative cocktails.
The Bachelorette Party
Now this is where it starts to get good, folks. The bride gets lots of lingerie that will make both her and the groom quite happy and then a fun night out on the town is had by all. Everyone gets to dress up and act like idiots, and it's socially acceptable behavior for a night. Travel is also usually involved, so that's exciting. For example, I will be going to New Orleans for the first time in May to celebrate The Favorite Redhead's Bachelorette Party. I get to go to a new city and I get to celebrate one of my best friends...what's not to love. *Spoiler: she's definitely getting a waffle iron. If she wants one. Maybe a chicken nugget maker would be more appropriate? The Favorite Redhead's fiancee would love that.
The Actual Wedding
So the big day has arrived. The bride walks down the aisle, looking like the most beautiful girl on the planet, and the groom thanks his lucky stars, once again, that she said yes. And probably wonders why she did. The audience claps, the couple kiss, and it's time to get the party started.
Now in the choose-your-own-adventure-book that is a wedding, there are several routes you can go down. You can a.) go home after the wedding, b.) be the first person in the reception area so you can scope out all of the potential candidates that might end up being you self-validating one night stand, c.) take a moment to reflect on your own wedding, or d.) drink. Let's discuss our options.
A.) Don't do this. The reception is the best part. You are lame if you do this.
B.) A pretty good option. Now when I say one night stand, you don't actually have to sleep with them. You can just flirt and dance and for a night, imagine your lives together and the stories you'd tell your fictional children about the magical night you and daddy met. If you're going to a wedding where there are lots of single girls it's important to stake your claim early and fiercely. Sure most of the people at the reception are your friends, but if you call dibs on the tall guy with green eyes and the well-fitting gray suit, all of those bitches better back up and find their own. If your pick is not responsive or not in fact single, worry not. There are plenty of others there that will pretend to like you for a night in the hopes that they might get a little under-the-bridesmaid's dress action. Just stand back, survey your surroundings, and pick another option. And for God's sake, stay away from the bar. No one wants a drunk, single, most likely reeking of desperation girl hanging off of them, whining about how she didn't catch the bouquet.
C.) If you are married, you might take time during the reception to reminisce about your own blessed nuptuals. Don't. Especially if the other people at the table were at your wedding. While you might have fond memories of the day you married the other half of your soul, most likely those that attended wish they could forget the scorching hot summer day you made them sit through outside and the fact that you were cheap and only had Natty Lite and Boone's Farm at the bar.
D.) Well, this is the option a lot of people take and probably shouldn't. Look, your friends are not responsible for being your unlimited bar tab for the evening. And if the girl's parents paid for the open bar, they surely don't want to spend the night wondering how many people are going to have to be treated for alcohol poisoning because of their generosity. Just because it's free does not mean it has to be consumed. But if you do take this route, at least be the fun drunk and not the kind of drunk that cries, dances with old Aunt Heloise and dislocates her hip, or the kind that gets belligerantly upset when they get a piece of the groom's cake when they wanted the bride's cake.
And speaking of cake, I don't care how pretty cake with fondant bows and stars can be. It tastes like shit.
So as wedding season approaches, enjoy it all. And buy good presents. Because if you're not married now and give a couple a shitty wedding present, they will remember. And you'll probably end up with a lot of decorative God Bless This Home/I Enjoy Cooking With Wine But I Like Drinking It Better/Etc. plaques. And nobody wants that.
Anyway, back to weddings. I will be attending quite a few of them in 2013. And, for the first time, I can actually say I'm genuinely excited about each one of them. I have not been able to say that about all of the weddings I have attended in the past. I'm sure you've been to at least one wedding where you're like 'this is not going to work out.' You gripe and grumble about having a buy a gift for the couple that you know they're just going to be dividing up in the divorce agreement in a few years. Or months. Or days, if it's a Kardashian wedding...zing! Yes, I went there.
So below are my thoughts and observations about the wedding process, as told from the perspective of a guest. Enjoy. Or not.
The Viewing of the Rock
He liked it, so he put a ring on it. I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better, I cringed a bit when I wrote that. Now, I am not one of those people that get annoyed when girls post pictures of their ring on Facebook, or any other social media outlet. I figure, if you earned it, show it off! I'd much rather look at a pretty piece of jewelry than read yet another post about someone's kid finally going 'peepee in the potty.' Now I have been told that because I'm not a parent I don't understand, but fortheloveofPeterandPaulandMaryandJosephandHabbakuk I don't think I'll ever be okay with hearing about other's people's spawn's bathroom habits, even if I have a brood of my own one day. It's gross. I also like seeing the ring because I'm a girl and I like to judge. It's what we do. Is it too big or too small or just right? Is it ugly? Would I want a ring like that? Most girls probably go through this mental process when viewing engagement rings. And if they say they don't, they are liars. I like hearing the proposal story too. The guy's perspective is my favorite. I can't imagine how nervewracking it is to propose to a girl. But then I remember that the proposal usually leads to the girl carrying children, going through the actual childbirth, and having to lose pregnancy weight, and I no longer feel compassion for the guy.
The Engagement Party
The first of many celebrations for the happy couple. Even though I normally have a heart of ice, I love seeing people I love happy. Free champagne is also an occassional benefit of the Engagement Party. Try and get a female server at the restaurant with an engagement ring on her finger. You are much more likely to get free stuff if the person serving it to you is happily engaged as well. Avoid divorced women servers if possible. I enjoy Engagement Parties because of the toasts as well. Some people are really good at them and other are...not. But the good ones are usually funny or make the bride-to-be cry. Or involved jazz hands. The groom just sits there still looking relieved she said yes.
The Buying of the Gifts
That chicken dinner and open bar at the wedding come at a price. You have to shower the couple with gifts in order to earn them. Well, you don't have to, but you come off as cheap if you don't, so you'd better just whip out that credit card and suck it up. Now, depending on how well you know the couple, you may spend a lot of money or not very much. For example, if the wedding is for a sorority sister you haven't seen in four years, she's probably getting towels. Which is fine because everyone needs towels. If the couple is a good friend of yours, they're getting the waffle iron, equally because you love them and because you hope to be invited over for breakfast or brunch at some point where the waffle iron will be used. Here's one of the big things I don't understand about weddings: why the hell would you ever buy a couple something that is not on their registry!?!? They literally spell out for you what they want. You can buy online and have it shipped to them or go to the store. It's not a hard concept. I went to a wedding shower for my best friend a few years ago and was appalled at all of the absolute shit she got that she didn't ask for. How many 'God Bless This House' plaques does one couple need? Answer: NONE. Because she didn't register for any.
The Wedding Showers
Some are fun. Some are lame. Some are way lame. But, showers are a great way for your friend groups to meet before the wedding. Your high school gal pals get to meet your after college friends and that makes the reception even more fun. Don't play games surrounding who knows the bride the best, however. The bride's friendship is not a competition. You don't want to be like Kristin Wiig in 'Bridesmaids', trying to prove that you're the bride's BFF&E&E&E&E. Plus, creative cocktails are usually served and I, for one, am a fan of creative cocktails.
The Bachelorette Party
Now this is where it starts to get good, folks. The bride gets lots of lingerie that will make both her and the groom quite happy and then a fun night out on the town is had by all. Everyone gets to dress up and act like idiots, and it's socially acceptable behavior for a night. Travel is also usually involved, so that's exciting. For example, I will be going to New Orleans for the first time in May to celebrate The Favorite Redhead's Bachelorette Party. I get to go to a new city and I get to celebrate one of my best friends...what's not to love. *Spoiler: she's definitely getting a waffle iron. If she wants one. Maybe a chicken nugget maker would be more appropriate? The Favorite Redhead's fiancee would love that.
The Actual Wedding
So the big day has arrived. The bride walks down the aisle, looking like the most beautiful girl on the planet, and the groom thanks his lucky stars, once again, that she said yes. And probably wonders why she did. The audience claps, the couple kiss, and it's time to get the party started.
Now in the choose-your-own-adventure-book that is a wedding, there are several routes you can go down. You can a.) go home after the wedding, b.) be the first person in the reception area so you can scope out all of the potential candidates that might end up being you self-validating one night stand, c.) take a moment to reflect on your own wedding, or d.) drink. Let's discuss our options.
A.) Don't do this. The reception is the best part. You are lame if you do this.
B.) A pretty good option. Now when I say one night stand, you don't actually have to sleep with them. You can just flirt and dance and for a night, imagine your lives together and the stories you'd tell your fictional children about the magical night you and daddy met. If you're going to a wedding where there are lots of single girls it's important to stake your claim early and fiercely. Sure most of the people at the reception are your friends, but if you call dibs on the tall guy with green eyes and the well-fitting gray suit, all of those bitches better back up and find their own. If your pick is not responsive or not in fact single, worry not. There are plenty of others there that will pretend to like you for a night in the hopes that they might get a little under-the-bridesmaid's dress action. Just stand back, survey your surroundings, and pick another option. And for God's sake, stay away from the bar. No one wants a drunk, single, most likely reeking of desperation girl hanging off of them, whining about how she didn't catch the bouquet.
C.) If you are married, you might take time during the reception to reminisce about your own blessed nuptuals. Don't. Especially if the other people at the table were at your wedding. While you might have fond memories of the day you married the other half of your soul, most likely those that attended wish they could forget the scorching hot summer day you made them sit through outside and the fact that you were cheap and only had Natty Lite and Boone's Farm at the bar.
D.) Well, this is the option a lot of people take and probably shouldn't. Look, your friends are not responsible for being your unlimited bar tab for the evening. And if the girl's parents paid for the open bar, they surely don't want to spend the night wondering how many people are going to have to be treated for alcohol poisoning because of their generosity. Just because it's free does not mean it has to be consumed. But if you do take this route, at least be the fun drunk and not the kind of drunk that cries, dances with old Aunt Heloise and dislocates her hip, or the kind that gets belligerantly upset when they get a piece of the groom's cake when they wanted the bride's cake.
And speaking of cake, I don't care how pretty cake with fondant bows and stars can be. It tastes like shit.
So as wedding season approaches, enjoy it all. And buy good presents. Because if you're not married now and give a couple a shitty wedding present, they will remember. And you'll probably end up with a lot of decorative God Bless This Home/I Enjoy Cooking With Wine But I Like Drinking It Better/Etc. plaques. And nobody wants that.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
30 Days & 30 Nights
Discipline.
Something I don't have very much of.
Something I need to learn.
Is that a haiku? I have no idea how many syllables those lines have or how many it takes to be an actual haiku. I'm no poet.
I am also easily side-tracked from blog topics. Anyways, so I am doing a self-imposed 30 day challenge. It's not a New Year's Resolution, persay, it just happens to coincide with the new year. I started January 2nd and will be done January 31st. What does this challenge entail, you may ask? Or maybe you don't care. If that's the case, tis best to stop reading now. Well, for thirty days I am consuming no alcohol, no fast food, and I'm working out everyday. A lot of people have said this is overly ambitious, but I'm on Day 14 and so far it's been pretty easy. I still can't really stand the smell of alcohol after Key West (damned Fireball shots...shudder), I need to save money for all of these bachelorette parties/weddings/baby showers I'll be attending in 2013, and who doesn't need to work out?
It also helps to have three goals because you don't feel so bad if you only meet 2 out of the 3 one day. Like last Thursday, the UK/Vandy heart attack of a basketball game. Between work, a necessary power nap, and the 8 p.m. tip off, I had no time to make it to the gym. I thought I'd do yoga when I got home, but thanks to a late night dinner at Sunset Grille (and quality time with my sorority big sister), I was too exhausted by the time I got home at 12:30 a.m. to do it. I would have fallen asleep in Tree pose, which would not have been good. But, I made up for it Saturday when I went to spin class and worked out with my friend H, who is a trainer at the Maryland Farms Y, all before noon...so I'm still at 14 workouts in 14 days. Who knew throwing a 10 lb medicine ball at the floor could work your triceps? And bonus, if you're in a bad mood, you can picture that you're throwing it at someone's face, which intensifies your workout. Not that I've ever done that. Wink.
Why am I doing this, you may ask? Or again, you may not. But if not, why are you still reading at this point? Well, simple answer is, I want to get skinny again. There's this dress I'd really like to wear to the Favorite Redhead's wedding in August and I need some work to fit in it. Plus, I'd just really like to get my self confidence back. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not down on myself. I know I have a lot of good qualities. First of all, I'm really nice (if I like you.) I am a really great friend (again, if I like you and you'll actually allow me to be one). And I'm hilarious. (As evidenced by the gift I brought to C's gag gift party this past weekend: whipped cream and a pack of condoms. To which my checkout clerk said, "You have a good night, now" when I left Walgreens that night. I guess that's the reaction you get when all you buy are those two items.) But let's be realistic...there are two girls standing next to eachother at a bar. One is skinny and doesn't say much and the other is bigger but makes you laugh. Which one are you going to try and get a phone number from? 9 out of 10 straight men would say the skinny one, and the one lone guy that would say the other one is just trying to make you feel better.
One of my pet peeves is when people complain about something but don't do anything about it. Well, I've finally decided to do something about it. I was in a really bad place for about a year and a half and it took me a while to snap out of it and be happy again. And you know what? Being happy is a hell of a lot more fun. So, I'm doing things that make me happy and make me feel good. I surround myself with people I want to spend time with and don't bother with those that don't. And working out makes me happy...I feel better than I have in a long time and I'm SLEEPING BETTER!!!!!!!! Now normally I'm not a fan of the all-caps feature, but that deserves to be shouted. I'm only exhausted 50% of the time now which, for me, is a huge improvement. I thought about doing the challenge for 40 days and 40 nights, but my birthday party is during that time period and I doubt I'll want to work out that day, abstain from bad food, and chances are I'll have a gin & tonic (or three) Just no Fireball shots.
I'm also doing something that even at 28 (okay, 27.11, but I'll be 28 when I do it) I'm still scared my mother will kill me for: I'm getting a tattoo. Yep. At 5:30 on my actual birthday I'm getting my first (and probably only) tattoo. It's something that means something to me and I've been thinking about it for over a year, so obviously I want it. And it'll be in a spot where people will only see it if I want them to. And no, it's not on my ass, which is what I've been asked several times. It'll be on my ribcage so the only people who see it will be people I am in a bathing suit around or people lucky enough to see me with my shirt off. Which there aren't many of. Maybe when I'm skinny again that will change, but I don't want to be slutty so probably not. I do still have some standards.
So, 14 down and 16 more to go. I know I can do this, and I'm pretty proud of myself. Maybe I'll do another one after my birthday gets over with...or maybe a 60 days one! Yeah, I'm not that ambitious, but I didn't think I could do 30 days, so we shall see.
Till next time, readers...
Something I don't have very much of.
Something I need to learn.
Is that a haiku? I have no idea how many syllables those lines have or how many it takes to be an actual haiku. I'm no poet.
I am also easily side-tracked from blog topics. Anyways, so I am doing a self-imposed 30 day challenge. It's not a New Year's Resolution, persay, it just happens to coincide with the new year. I started January 2nd and will be done January 31st. What does this challenge entail, you may ask? Or maybe you don't care. If that's the case, tis best to stop reading now. Well, for thirty days I am consuming no alcohol, no fast food, and I'm working out everyday. A lot of people have said this is overly ambitious, but I'm on Day 14 and so far it's been pretty easy. I still can't really stand the smell of alcohol after Key West (damned Fireball shots...shudder), I need to save money for all of these bachelorette parties/weddings/baby showers I'll be attending in 2013, and who doesn't need to work out?
It also helps to have three goals because you don't feel so bad if you only meet 2 out of the 3 one day. Like last Thursday, the UK/Vandy heart attack of a basketball game. Between work, a necessary power nap, and the 8 p.m. tip off, I had no time to make it to the gym. I thought I'd do yoga when I got home, but thanks to a late night dinner at Sunset Grille (and quality time with my sorority big sister), I was too exhausted by the time I got home at 12:30 a.m. to do it. I would have fallen asleep in Tree pose, which would not have been good. But, I made up for it Saturday when I went to spin class and worked out with my friend H, who is a trainer at the Maryland Farms Y, all before noon...so I'm still at 14 workouts in 14 days. Who knew throwing a 10 lb medicine ball at the floor could work your triceps? And bonus, if you're in a bad mood, you can picture that you're throwing it at someone's face, which intensifies your workout. Not that I've ever done that. Wink.
Why am I doing this, you may ask? Or again, you may not. But if not, why are you still reading at this point? Well, simple answer is, I want to get skinny again. There's this dress I'd really like to wear to the Favorite Redhead's wedding in August and I need some work to fit in it. Plus, I'd just really like to get my self confidence back. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not down on myself. I know I have a lot of good qualities. First of all, I'm really nice (if I like you.) I am a really great friend (again, if I like you and you'll actually allow me to be one). And I'm hilarious. (As evidenced by the gift I brought to C's gag gift party this past weekend: whipped cream and a pack of condoms. To which my checkout clerk said, "You have a good night, now" when I left Walgreens that night. I guess that's the reaction you get when all you buy are those two items.) But let's be realistic...there are two girls standing next to eachother at a bar. One is skinny and doesn't say much and the other is bigger but makes you laugh. Which one are you going to try and get a phone number from? 9 out of 10 straight men would say the skinny one, and the one lone guy that would say the other one is just trying to make you feel better.
One of my pet peeves is when people complain about something but don't do anything about it. Well, I've finally decided to do something about it. I was in a really bad place for about a year and a half and it took me a while to snap out of it and be happy again. And you know what? Being happy is a hell of a lot more fun. So, I'm doing things that make me happy and make me feel good. I surround myself with people I want to spend time with and don't bother with those that don't. And working out makes me happy...I feel better than I have in a long time and I'm SLEEPING BETTER!!!!!!!! Now normally I'm not a fan of the all-caps feature, but that deserves to be shouted. I'm only exhausted 50% of the time now which, for me, is a huge improvement. I thought about doing the challenge for 40 days and 40 nights, but my birthday party is during that time period and I doubt I'll want to work out that day, abstain from bad food, and chances are I'll have a gin & tonic (or three) Just no Fireball shots.
I'm also doing something that even at 28 (okay, 27.11, but I'll be 28 when I do it) I'm still scared my mother will kill me for: I'm getting a tattoo. Yep. At 5:30 on my actual birthday I'm getting my first (and probably only) tattoo. It's something that means something to me and I've been thinking about it for over a year, so obviously I want it. And it'll be in a spot where people will only see it if I want them to. And no, it's not on my ass, which is what I've been asked several times. It'll be on my ribcage so the only people who see it will be people I am in a bathing suit around or people lucky enough to see me with my shirt off. Which there aren't many of. Maybe when I'm skinny again that will change, but I don't want to be slutty so probably not. I do still have some standards.
So, 14 down and 16 more to go. I know I can do this, and I'm pretty proud of myself. Maybe I'll do another one after my birthday gets over with...or maybe a 60 days one! Yeah, I'm not that ambitious, but I didn't think I could do 30 days, so we shall see.
Till next time, readers...
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
The Freebie Five
I have heard this list called different things but Freebie Five is my favorite. The Freebie Five is a list of five people that your spouse/significant other is supposed to allow you to sleep with, should you ever get the chance. Now, the list has rules. First of all, it needs to be pretty unrealistic. Like, the list needs to consist of people you will likely never meet, like a movie star or a famous author (what, no one else is attracted to authors?) It can't be Simon P. down the hall in Legal (Simon P. is totally made up, fyi) because you actually see him everyday. And you might be tempted to find out how sturdy those new toothpick-like desks really are. No, the people on your list must be virtually unattainable, so in the off chance you actually do get invited to spend some "quality time" with them, your significant other just has to chalk it up to fate and go with it.
Below are my Freebie Five and explanations for each (although several don't really even need an explanation.) And below that is who I think should be on the Freebie Five list for guys. Enjoy.
My Freebie Five
1.) Ryan Gosling.
Is this really a surprise to anyone reading this blog? He's not even they typical guy I go for. I've only dated one blonde guy and that was a huge mistake. But, it's a risk I'd be willing to take for Gosling. Except one of the rules of the Freebie Five list is that it's ONO...one night only. Or one 30 minute time period only. Whatever. Everyone goes at their own pace. But seriously...he has a good body but isn't overly muscular, his crooked smile promises mischief and quick wit, and those eyes...shiver. Plus, he has chemistry with almost all of his leading ladies (well I assume he does...I actually haven't watched a lot of the movies he's been in because I don't like chick movies) so it makes me feel safe in the assumption he'd have chemistry with me. Plus, rumor is he turned down People's Sexiest Man Alive last year. Good looks, humility, and he loves dogs? Um, is there really any further explanation needed?
2.) Jon Bon Jovi.
I thought Jon would always be my number one until my affinity (re: obsession) for Ryan Gosling began to flourish. Damn those Hey Girl memes. Anyway, Jon is approaching 50 yet he still looks just as good in those tight pants as he did before I was born. That was an odd sentence to type. Usually I'm not too high up on tight pants on the lads, but mainly because I live in Nashville and all of the hipsters wear skintight girls' jeans in smaller sizes than I do. Note to hipster boys, if you wear a smaller size pants than a girl, the chance of getting into her real pants decreases immensely. Jon is also an entertainer, so that makes me think he's a people pleaser. Usually that's my role. I like to do things to make people happy. So it would be nice to have a night of Jon Bon Jovi going out of his way to make me happy. Although the fact that my cat is named Bon Jovi would make things a liiiiittle awkward. Oh well. We'd just either have to go to Jon's hotel or BJcat would need to go visit someone else for the night.
3.) Matthew Gray Gubler.
A lot of you may not know who this is. He's the nerdy guy (yet way to good looking to be an actual nerd) on CBS's Criminal Minds. It also shouldn't surprise anyone on here that I'm a sucker for nerds...mainly because I am one. And the best part is that he's a nerd in real life too. We could discuss the ins and outs of Harry Potter's invisibility cloak, toast eachother with butterbeer, and then create our own magic for the rest of the night...which of course, involveds testing the latest Weasley Wizard Wheezes and spying on people with the Marauder's Map. In case you're reading, mom. But I think I would enjoy talking to him most of all. I love talking with intelligent people. Or even just passionate people. They always have the best conversations. And that's the main purpose of a Freebie Five night, right?
4.) Gabriel Macht a.k.a. Harvey Spector.
The hottest fake Manhattan lawyer alive, Harvey Spector knocks his opponents for a loop each week (during the Spring and Fall seasons) of USA Network's Suits. Speaking of suits, I read a quote the other day that said something like a well tailored suit on a man is the equivalent of sexy lingerie on a woman. Damn right it is, and Harvey's suits are very well tailored. I bet if dude gained two pouds they'd have to re-do his whole wardrobe. There's just something about a suit that immediately makes a mediocre guy look at least four points better. Guys should wear suits out to the bars all the time. They'd take so many more girls home. Anyway, Gabriel/Harvey is more of my typical type: dark hair, a bit more rugged, and confident. Bordering on asshole. Sadly, my past interests have veered way too far toward the asshole end of the spectrum, but Gabriel/Harvey is just charming enough for me to overlook it for a night.
5.) Johnny Depp.
However, there's a stipulation to this one that you're going to think is pretty weird. He needs to be dressed in his Jack Sparrow costume. Because otherwise all of that man-bling he has been sporting lately is a huge turn-off. But, if he's in his pirate outfit, mumbling in that adorable/slightly intelligible British accent of his, I could definitely get down with that. If women have to dress in French Maid and Sexy Firefighter outfits to impress their man/lady for a night, then darn it, Johnny Depp can get in character for a few hours for me.
Women Who Should Be On Every Guy's Freebie Five List
1.) Mila Kunis.
And not just because some men's magazine named her the sexiest woman alive or whatever. She is hot. She's like girl next door hot, but you know once you actually go next door and get into her room she's even hotter. Plus, she's funny. We need more funny women in the world. I could totally get down with my future husband having a Freebie Five night with her. I'd almost be mad at him if he turned her down.
2.) Piper Perabo.
Many of you might remember her as the Coyote Ugly girl, but she's currently most well-known for her role as Annie Walker on Covert Affairs. I would be totally okay with my significant other having a night with her because I bet she'd slap him around a little, seeing as how she plays a super kick-ass spy. He might need someone to put him back in his place after getting the opportunity to spend the night with an incredibly attractive woman.
3.) Zoe Saldana.
I just think she's gorgeous. And she looks very graceful. Not that I think many men would care about this, but I think because of her more shy demeanor it would seem less sleazy that your man was stepping out on you for a night. Like if he went home with Pamela Anderson you'd be all like, "Ew. Get tested." But Zoe Saldana? You'd be like, "Aw, honey, (side note, I hate that pet name) did you have a good time? She seems like such a nice girl." A Freebie Five night and no guilt from the missus? Win and win.
4.) Scarlet Johanssen.
Again, because she's hot. And she's not as untainable hot as so many women out there. Girl has curves and she gives normal ladies hope that they too could look like her one day. She's also intelligent and athletic, so she could give both your mind and your body a workout. She could probably pin your guy in a chokehold (if she's channeling her Avengers role as Black Widow) but hey, he could totally be into that. And, she looks really good as a redhead. Bonus points.
5.) Sophia Vergara.
Again...and again...because she's hot. I mean, God does not give many people the figure she has been blessed with so gentlemen, if you get the chance, get on that...literally and figuratively. She's got that spicy Latin flair, an enormous amount of confidence, and likes to wear tight, yet tasteful clothing. Have at it.
I am sure people will disagree, mainly with the Freebie Five list for guys. But, it's my blog, so what I say goes. Enjoy your Wednesday, and start creating your own Freebie Five lists. It's important to have them and share them in advance with your partner so if the opportunity ever arises to actually fulfill a night with one of the people on your list, you don't have to explain the rules and you can just get down to business.
Below are my Freebie Five and explanations for each (although several don't really even need an explanation.) And below that is who I think should be on the Freebie Five list for guys. Enjoy.
My Freebie Five
1.) Ryan Gosling.
Is this really a surprise to anyone reading this blog? He's not even they typical guy I go for. I've only dated one blonde guy and that was a huge mistake. But, it's a risk I'd be willing to take for Gosling. Except one of the rules of the Freebie Five list is that it's ONO...one night only. Or one 30 minute time period only. Whatever. Everyone goes at their own pace. But seriously...he has a good body but isn't overly muscular, his crooked smile promises mischief and quick wit, and those eyes...shiver. Plus, he has chemistry with almost all of his leading ladies (well I assume he does...I actually haven't watched a lot of the movies he's been in because I don't like chick movies) so it makes me feel safe in the assumption he'd have chemistry with me. Plus, rumor is he turned down People's Sexiest Man Alive last year. Good looks, humility, and he loves dogs? Um, is there really any further explanation needed?
2.) Jon Bon Jovi.
I thought Jon would always be my number one until my affinity (re: obsession) for Ryan Gosling began to flourish. Damn those Hey Girl memes. Anyway, Jon is approaching 50 yet he still looks just as good in those tight pants as he did before I was born. That was an odd sentence to type. Usually I'm not too high up on tight pants on the lads, but mainly because I live in Nashville and all of the hipsters wear skintight girls' jeans in smaller sizes than I do. Note to hipster boys, if you wear a smaller size pants than a girl, the chance of getting into her real pants decreases immensely. Jon is also an entertainer, so that makes me think he's a people pleaser. Usually that's my role. I like to do things to make people happy. So it would be nice to have a night of Jon Bon Jovi going out of his way to make me happy. Although the fact that my cat is named Bon Jovi would make things a liiiiittle awkward. Oh well. We'd just either have to go to Jon's hotel or BJcat would need to go visit someone else for the night.
3.) Matthew Gray Gubler.
A lot of you may not know who this is. He's the nerdy guy (yet way to good looking to be an actual nerd) on CBS's Criminal Minds. It also shouldn't surprise anyone on here that I'm a sucker for nerds...mainly because I am one. And the best part is that he's a nerd in real life too. We could discuss the ins and outs of Harry Potter's invisibility cloak, toast eachother with butterbeer, and then create our own magic for the rest of the night...which of course, involveds testing the latest Weasley Wizard Wheezes and spying on people with the Marauder's Map. In case you're reading, mom. But I think I would enjoy talking to him most of all. I love talking with intelligent people. Or even just passionate people. They always have the best conversations. And that's the main purpose of a Freebie Five night, right?
4.) Gabriel Macht a.k.a. Harvey Spector.
The hottest fake Manhattan lawyer alive, Harvey Spector knocks his opponents for a loop each week (during the Spring and Fall seasons) of USA Network's Suits. Speaking of suits, I read a quote the other day that said something like a well tailored suit on a man is the equivalent of sexy lingerie on a woman. Damn right it is, and Harvey's suits are very well tailored. I bet if dude gained two pouds they'd have to re-do his whole wardrobe. There's just something about a suit that immediately makes a mediocre guy look at least four points better. Guys should wear suits out to the bars all the time. They'd take so many more girls home. Anyway, Gabriel/Harvey is more of my typical type: dark hair, a bit more rugged, and confident. Bordering on asshole. Sadly, my past interests have veered way too far toward the asshole end of the spectrum, but Gabriel/Harvey is just charming enough for me to overlook it for a night.
5.) Johnny Depp.
However, there's a stipulation to this one that you're going to think is pretty weird. He needs to be dressed in his Jack Sparrow costume. Because otherwise all of that man-bling he has been sporting lately is a huge turn-off. But, if he's in his pirate outfit, mumbling in that adorable/slightly intelligible British accent of his, I could definitely get down with that. If women have to dress in French Maid and Sexy Firefighter outfits to impress their man/lady for a night, then darn it, Johnny Depp can get in character for a few hours for me.
Women Who Should Be On Every Guy's Freebie Five List
1.) Mila Kunis.
And not just because some men's magazine named her the sexiest woman alive or whatever. She is hot. She's like girl next door hot, but you know once you actually go next door and get into her room she's even hotter. Plus, she's funny. We need more funny women in the world. I could totally get down with my future husband having a Freebie Five night with her. I'd almost be mad at him if he turned her down.
2.) Piper Perabo.
Many of you might remember her as the Coyote Ugly girl, but she's currently most well-known for her role as Annie Walker on Covert Affairs. I would be totally okay with my significant other having a night with her because I bet she'd slap him around a little, seeing as how she plays a super kick-ass spy. He might need someone to put him back in his place after getting the opportunity to spend the night with an incredibly attractive woman.
3.) Zoe Saldana.
I just think she's gorgeous. And she looks very graceful. Not that I think many men would care about this, but I think because of her more shy demeanor it would seem less sleazy that your man was stepping out on you for a night. Like if he went home with Pamela Anderson you'd be all like, "Ew. Get tested." But Zoe Saldana? You'd be like, "Aw, honey, (side note, I hate that pet name) did you have a good time? She seems like such a nice girl." A Freebie Five night and no guilt from the missus? Win and win.
4.) Scarlet Johanssen.
Again, because she's hot. And she's not as untainable hot as so many women out there. Girl has curves and she gives normal ladies hope that they too could look like her one day. She's also intelligent and athletic, so she could give both your mind and your body a workout. She could probably pin your guy in a chokehold (if she's channeling her Avengers role as Black Widow) but hey, he could totally be into that. And, she looks really good as a redhead. Bonus points.
5.) Sophia Vergara.
Again...and again...because she's hot. I mean, God does not give many people the figure she has been blessed with so gentlemen, if you get the chance, get on that...literally and figuratively. She's got that spicy Latin flair, an enormous amount of confidence, and likes to wear tight, yet tasteful clothing. Have at it.
I am sure people will disagree, mainly with the Freebie Five list for guys. But, it's my blog, so what I say goes. Enjoy your Wednesday, and start creating your own Freebie Five lists. It's important to have them and share them in advance with your partner so if the opportunity ever arises to actually fulfill a night with one of the people on your list, you don't have to explain the rules and you can just get down to business.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Nickelback & Spin Class Do Not Mix
Now, I may not always look like it (damn sea salt & vinegar potato chips) but I have been to hundreds of spin classes in my life...maybe thousands! Okay, so definitely not thousands, but I really like to exaggerate sometimes. So last night I go to my regular Wednesday night class with the hardcore teacher (the one that said if you want to have fun, go to Zumba, not spin...but now Zumba is called Dance It Out, or DIO...which is weird...but I'm veering off topic.) I get there super early because I'm dreading the rush of newbies that always come out of the woodwork around the new year. Luckily, I guess the hardcore teacher's reputation precedes her and there are only two new people in the class and neither of them try to steal my bike. I'm warming up when the teacher comes in...and it's not the hardcore girl. Hardcore girl is still on vacation and we have a sub.
I hate subs.
I go to this class because I know what kind of workout I'm going to get. I know I'm going to leave dripping sweat and looking blotchy, but I also know that I have burned a shit ton of calories. The last time I had a sub in spin class, the dude didn't even get on the bike! He just walked around and said motivating phrases like "Yes! You've got this! Use your power!" Um...if you can't sit on the bike for 45 minutes, why the heck should I listen to you? People seemed to know this instructor, however, so I wasn't too worried. Apparently they taught some of the 9:30 classes that I can't go to because of work, so I started feeling more confident in her teaching abilities. Then....it happened.
She started playing Nickelback.
There are few songs less motivating to me than Nickelback songs. Spin class can be torture enough without having to listen to Chad Kroeger (I'm ashamed that I even know the name of th lead singer of that band) wail and pretend to be a rockstar for four minutes. I hope that I'll only have to listen to one awful song choice, but no...80% of the songs were terrible...which makes the class seem even longer than it really is. The last song before cool down was "Some Nights" by fun (yes, it's lowercase. I googled it.) and I was thinking to myself "No, this has not been fun!"
Because I'm sure all of the spin instructors in America read this blog, I have taken time out of my busy schedule to compile a list of six songs that should be included in every spin class and six songs that should never ever ever ever be included in a spin class. You're welcome.
Please include:
1. Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day. Now this might seem like an odd selection, but bear with me. You need to pick music based on what you are requiring your spinners to do. This song is perfect for a climb. The beat is steady, the music builds over time, and there are no random stop/starts that would throw you off of your pedal rhythym. A fine choice.
2. Sexyback by Justin Timerlake. Another great climbing song because of it's steady beat. And you have drug your fat butt to spin class...of course you're trying to get your sexy back.
3. Poker Face by Lady Gaga. This is a great song for jumps, which are the bane of my existence. For those of you who don't spin, a jump is when you go from the seated position to a standing position, and back down to a seated position in quick succession. You can be up for four counts, down for four counts, or the more grueling, up one count down one count combination. Either way, it works your muscles and it can be torture if you're tired. But, again, you did not come to class to have fun, you came to work. Poker Face has a good beat for jumps and it's not that long of a song...which is helpful when your legs are killing you and threatening a mutiny if you do one more damn jump.
4. Hips Don't Lie by Shakira. It's always nice to bring a little Latin flava (am I too white to say that? Probably.) into your workout. Plus, when you're slaving away on the bike, there are few things more motivating than picturing yourself with Shakira's hips. Unless you're a guy. But some guys might like that too. Another great song for jumps. Moving on.
5. Eye of the Tiger. Probably cliched, but it works every time. This song is great for sprints. I love sprints. My legs burn afterwards and I'm exhausted, but I really feel like I am working hard. Plus, after I'm done, I feel victorious. Much like I would assume Rocky felt after winning a fight. But I haven't seen any of those movies, so I really have no clue.
6. U + Ur Hand by P!nk. It made my grammar senses tingle to even write that. I feel like I will never hear this song at the YMCA since HHHJ's are probably frowned upon by the YMCA (shout out to my friend J for this acronym!) but it's still a great song to sprint to. I took a few classes at a fancy gym on a whim (rhyme!)...and because I could get three free (rhyme again!) and they played this song during sprints. The music is angry and great for putting all of your energy into pedaling nowhere as fast as you can.
Never include:
1. Arms of an Angel by Sarah McLachlan. Yes, someone seriously played this in a class once for the cool down. The ASPCA song. I almost started crying when it came on. Not only was I physically exhausted but you want to make me emotionally exhausted too? Bad form, YMCA, bad form.
2. Anything Enya. Because music you hear during yoga class is never inspiring for spin class.
3. Hey There Delilah by the Plain White T's. It's just not a good song. Maybe it's a personal preference, but I never liked it. The song is kind of creepy and the guy singing it sounds whiny. This is another song that makes my workout torture because not only am I waiting for the spin sequence to be over, I'm waiting for the song to be over too.
4. Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely by the Backstreet Boys. This was played during a spin class at 6:00 p.m. on a Friday night. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my some boy bands. But shouldn't I be applauded for coming to work out during the beginning of my weekend instead of being reminded that I am available to come to said spin class because I don't have a boyfriend to take me to dinner on Friday night? Even the YMCA is against single people.
5. Baby Baby Baby by Justin Bieber. It gets stuck in your head, it's a bad song, and I can't stand Justin Bieber. That's the trifecta of NO.
6. YMCA by the Village People. Just because I'm at the YMCA does not mean I want to hear the song. Okthanksbye.
Happy New Year from the Second Favorite Redhead! I look forward to sharing more of my thoughts, views, and ridiculous stories with you in 2013!
I hate subs.
I go to this class because I know what kind of workout I'm going to get. I know I'm going to leave dripping sweat and looking blotchy, but I also know that I have burned a shit ton of calories. The last time I had a sub in spin class, the dude didn't even get on the bike! He just walked around and said motivating phrases like "Yes! You've got this! Use your power!" Um...if you can't sit on the bike for 45 minutes, why the heck should I listen to you? People seemed to know this instructor, however, so I wasn't too worried. Apparently they taught some of the 9:30 classes that I can't go to because of work, so I started feeling more confident in her teaching abilities. Then....it happened.
She started playing Nickelback.
There are few songs less motivating to me than Nickelback songs. Spin class can be torture enough without having to listen to Chad Kroeger (I'm ashamed that I even know the name of th lead singer of that band) wail and pretend to be a rockstar for four minutes. I hope that I'll only have to listen to one awful song choice, but no...80% of the songs were terrible...which makes the class seem even longer than it really is. The last song before cool down was "Some Nights" by fun (yes, it's lowercase. I googled it.) and I was thinking to myself "No, this has not been fun!"
Because I'm sure all of the spin instructors in America read this blog, I have taken time out of my busy schedule to compile a list of six songs that should be included in every spin class and six songs that should never ever ever ever be included in a spin class. You're welcome.
Please include:
1. Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day. Now this might seem like an odd selection, but bear with me. You need to pick music based on what you are requiring your spinners to do. This song is perfect for a climb. The beat is steady, the music builds over time, and there are no random stop/starts that would throw you off of your pedal rhythym. A fine choice.
2. Sexyback by Justin Timerlake. Another great climbing song because of it's steady beat. And you have drug your fat butt to spin class...of course you're trying to get your sexy back.
3. Poker Face by Lady Gaga. This is a great song for jumps, which are the bane of my existence. For those of you who don't spin, a jump is when you go from the seated position to a standing position, and back down to a seated position in quick succession. You can be up for four counts, down for four counts, or the more grueling, up one count down one count combination. Either way, it works your muscles and it can be torture if you're tired. But, again, you did not come to class to have fun, you came to work. Poker Face has a good beat for jumps and it's not that long of a song...which is helpful when your legs are killing you and threatening a mutiny if you do one more damn jump.
4. Hips Don't Lie by Shakira. It's always nice to bring a little Latin flava (am I too white to say that? Probably.) into your workout. Plus, when you're slaving away on the bike, there are few things more motivating than picturing yourself with Shakira's hips. Unless you're a guy. But some guys might like that too. Another great song for jumps. Moving on.
5. Eye of the Tiger. Probably cliched, but it works every time. This song is great for sprints. I love sprints. My legs burn afterwards and I'm exhausted, but I really feel like I am working hard. Plus, after I'm done, I feel victorious. Much like I would assume Rocky felt after winning a fight. But I haven't seen any of those movies, so I really have no clue.
6. U + Ur Hand by P!nk. It made my grammar senses tingle to even write that. I feel like I will never hear this song at the YMCA since HHHJ's are probably frowned upon by the YMCA (shout out to my friend J for this acronym!) but it's still a great song to sprint to. I took a few classes at a fancy gym on a whim (rhyme!)...and because I could get three free (rhyme again!) and they played this song during sprints. The music is angry and great for putting all of your energy into pedaling nowhere as fast as you can.
Never include:
1. Arms of an Angel by Sarah McLachlan. Yes, someone seriously played this in a class once for the cool down. The ASPCA song. I almost started crying when it came on. Not only was I physically exhausted but you want to make me emotionally exhausted too? Bad form, YMCA, bad form.
2. Anything Enya. Because music you hear during yoga class is never inspiring for spin class.
3. Hey There Delilah by the Plain White T's. It's just not a good song. Maybe it's a personal preference, but I never liked it. The song is kind of creepy and the guy singing it sounds whiny. This is another song that makes my workout torture because not only am I waiting for the spin sequence to be over, I'm waiting for the song to be over too.
4. Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely by the Backstreet Boys. This was played during a spin class at 6:00 p.m. on a Friday night. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my some boy bands. But shouldn't I be applauded for coming to work out during the beginning of my weekend instead of being reminded that I am available to come to said spin class because I don't have a boyfriend to take me to dinner on Friday night? Even the YMCA is against single people.
5. Baby Baby Baby by Justin Bieber. It gets stuck in your head, it's a bad song, and I can't stand Justin Bieber. That's the trifecta of NO.
6. YMCA by the Village People. Just because I'm at the YMCA does not mean I want to hear the song. Okthanksbye.
Happy New Year from the Second Favorite Redhead! I look forward to sharing more of my thoughts, views, and ridiculous stories with you in 2013!
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