Okay. So you may be wondering why I am writing about weddings, since, if you've read this blog for a while, it doesn't seem like I like them very much. Oh contrare. I love weddings. I just don't really like marriage. Well...I 98.6271% don't like marriage. I'll never say I'll never get married, it will just take a very patient, strong, caring, wonderful man to make me change my mind, and I'm pretty sure he does not exist. But if he does, God help him if he has to put up with me for the rest of his life.
Anyway, back to weddings. I will be attending quite a few of them in 2013. And, for the first time, I can actually say I'm genuinely excited about each one of them. I have not been able to say that about all of the weddings I have attended in the past. I'm sure you've been to at least one wedding where you're like 'this is not going to work out.' You gripe and grumble about having a buy a gift for the couple that you know they're just going to be dividing up in the divorce agreement in a few years. Or months. Or days, if it's a Kardashian wedding...zing! Yes, I went there.
So below are my thoughts and observations about the wedding process, as told from the perspective of a guest. Enjoy. Or not.
The Viewing of the Rock
He liked it, so he put a ring on it. I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better, I cringed a bit when I wrote that. Now, I am not one of those people that get annoyed when girls post pictures of their ring on Facebook, or any other social media outlet. I figure, if you earned it, show it off! I'd much rather look at a pretty piece of jewelry than read yet another post about someone's kid finally going 'peepee in the potty.' Now I have been told that because I'm not a parent I don't understand, but fortheloveofPeterandPaulandMaryandJosephandHabbakuk I don't think I'll ever be okay with hearing about other's people's spawn's bathroom habits, even if I have a brood of my own one day. It's gross. I also like seeing the ring because I'm a girl and I like to judge. It's what we do. Is it too big or too small or just right? Is it ugly? Would I want a ring like that? Most girls probably go through this mental process when viewing engagement rings. And if they say they don't, they are liars. I like hearing the proposal story too. The guy's perspective is my favorite. I can't imagine how nervewracking it is to propose to a girl. But then I remember that the proposal usually leads to the girl carrying children, going through the actual childbirth, and having to lose pregnancy weight, and I no longer feel compassion for the guy.
The Engagement Party
The first of many celebrations for the happy couple. Even though I normally have a heart of ice, I love seeing people I love happy. Free champagne is also an occassional benefit of the Engagement Party. Try and get a female server at the restaurant with an engagement ring on her finger. You are much more likely to get free stuff if the person serving it to you is happily engaged as well. Avoid divorced women servers if possible. I enjoy Engagement Parties because of the toasts as well. Some people are really good at them and other are...not. But the good ones are usually funny or make the bride-to-be cry. Or involved jazz hands. The groom just sits there still looking relieved she said yes.
The Buying of the Gifts
That chicken dinner and open bar at the wedding come at a price. You have to shower the couple with gifts in order to earn them. Well, you don't have to, but you come off as cheap if you don't, so you'd better just whip out that credit card and suck it up. Now, depending on how well you know the couple, you may spend a lot of money or not very much. For example, if the wedding is for a sorority sister you haven't seen in four years, she's probably getting towels. Which is fine because everyone needs towels. If the couple is a good friend of yours, they're getting the waffle iron, equally because you love them and because you hope to be invited over for breakfast or brunch at some point where the waffle iron will be used. Here's one of the big things I don't understand about weddings: why the hell would you ever buy a couple something that is not on their registry!?!? They literally spell out for you what they want. You can buy online and have it shipped to them or go to the store. It's not a hard concept. I went to a wedding shower for my best friend a few years ago and was appalled at all of the absolute shit she got that she didn't ask for. How many 'God Bless This House' plaques does one couple need? Answer: NONE. Because she didn't register for any.
The Wedding Showers
Some are fun. Some are lame. Some are way lame. But, showers are a great way for your friend groups to meet before the wedding. Your high school gal pals get to meet your after college friends and that makes the reception even more fun. Don't play games surrounding who knows the bride the best, however. The bride's friendship is not a competition. You don't want to be like Kristin Wiig in 'Bridesmaids', trying to prove that you're the bride's BFF&E&E&E&E. Plus, creative cocktails are usually served and I, for one, am a fan of creative cocktails.
The Bachelorette Party
Now this is where it starts to get good, folks. The bride gets lots of lingerie that will make both her and the groom quite happy and then a fun night out on the town is had by all. Everyone gets to dress up and act like idiots, and it's socially acceptable behavior for a night. Travel is also usually involved, so that's exciting. For example, I will be going to New Orleans for the first time in May to celebrate The Favorite Redhead's Bachelorette Party. I get to go to a new city and I get to celebrate one of my best friends...what's not to love. *Spoiler: she's definitely getting a waffle iron. If she wants one. Maybe a chicken nugget maker would be more appropriate? The Favorite Redhead's fiancee would love that.
The Actual Wedding
So the big day has arrived. The bride walks down the aisle, looking like the most beautiful girl on the planet, and the groom thanks his lucky stars, once again, that she said yes. And probably wonders why she did. The audience claps, the couple kiss, and it's time to get the party started.
Now in the choose-your-own-adventure-book that is a wedding, there are several routes you can go down. You can a.) go home after the wedding, b.) be the first person in the reception area so you can scope out all of the potential candidates that might end up being you self-validating one night stand, c.) take a moment to reflect on your own wedding, or d.) drink. Let's discuss our options.
A.) Don't do this. The reception is the best part. You are lame if you do this.
B.) A pretty good option. Now when I say one night stand, you don't actually have to sleep with them. You can just flirt and dance and for a night, imagine your lives together and the stories you'd tell your fictional children about the magical night you and daddy met. If you're going to a wedding where there are lots of single girls it's important to stake your claim early and fiercely. Sure most of the people at the reception are your friends, but if you call dibs on the tall guy with green eyes and the well-fitting gray suit, all of those bitches better back up and find their own. If your pick is not responsive or not in fact single, worry not. There are plenty of others there that will pretend to like you for a night in the hopes that they might get a little under-the-bridesmaid's dress action. Just stand back, survey your surroundings, and pick another option. And for God's sake, stay away from the bar. No one wants a drunk, single, most likely reeking of desperation girl hanging off of them, whining about how she didn't catch the bouquet.
C.) If you are married, you might take time during the reception to reminisce about your own blessed nuptuals. Don't. Especially if the other people at the table were at your wedding. While you might have fond memories of the day you married the other half of your soul, most likely those that attended wish they could forget the scorching hot summer day you made them sit through outside and the fact that you were cheap and only had Natty Lite and Boone's Farm at the bar.
D.) Well, this is the option a lot of people take and probably shouldn't. Look, your friends are not responsible for being your unlimited bar tab for the evening. And if the girl's parents paid for the open bar, they surely don't want to spend the night wondering how many people are going to have to be treated for alcohol poisoning because of their generosity. Just because it's free does not mean it has to be consumed. But if you do take this route, at least be the fun drunk and not the kind of drunk that cries, dances with old Aunt Heloise and dislocates her hip, or the kind that gets belligerantly upset when they get a piece of the groom's cake when they wanted the bride's cake.
And speaking of cake, I don't care how pretty cake with fondant bows and stars can be. It tastes like shit.
So as wedding season approaches, enjoy it all. And buy good presents. Because if you're not married now and give a couple a shitty wedding present, they will remember. And you'll probably end up with a lot of decorative God Bless This Home/I Enjoy Cooking With Wine But I Like Drinking It Better/Etc. plaques. And nobody wants that.
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