Greetings and salutations readers!
This time last week I was on the deck of a cruiseship, sunning myself. This week, I'm in my childhood bed at home, still nursing a cold, and cramped because mom's dog, cat, and my cat have all decided to sleep in my single bed too. But, I sure do feel loved!
This year, my mom has decided to ignore Christmas. We're not putting up a tree, we're not having a traditional special meal, and gifts we give eachother are not to be wrapped in holiday wrapping paper. I could argue, but I know when to pick my battles, and this is not one I am going to win.
When she first told me at Thanksgiving that we were basically ignoring Christmas, I was fine with it. Holidays have never been large productions at my house because I have such a small family. But now that I'm home for a day or so, this close to Christmas, and there is no sign of holiday cheer anywhere at the Stergas residence, I'm beginning to regret going along with her decision. I want to go into our living room and break out my old Christmas carols piano book, but I'm afraid it will make mom upset. I miss having a tree with our family ornaments to read next to at night. I miss the joy that usually comes with the holiday season.
I've tried to do Christmas my own way this year. I've sought out ways I can help families who actually do want a Christmas for their children, they just may not have the means to do it this year. I'm really excited for my friends' Booze Exchange party on Friday night, because that's going to be the extent of my Christmas cheer this year.
Instead of dwelling on all the things I'm going to miss about Christmas, let me tell you all about four of my most favorite Christmas moments.
1.) The trampoline. Okay, so at a certain age, most children stop believing in Santa Claus, or at least become skeptical of the jolly old man who supposedly comes into homes through chimneys, even if your house does not have a chimney. Supposedly reindeer dust disables security systems, or so I was told as a wee one. One year in particular, I thought I had this all figured out. I'd go to bed, mom and dad would assemble all of the Barbie accessories I'd asked for, throw in a few clothing items I immediately passed over, and filled my six foot (yes, six foot) stocking. I was an only child. What can I say? So I woke up on Christmas morning and played along with the whole 'Santa' bit. Because if you stop believing in him, he stops coming, and I wanted to most presents I could possibly get. Greedy, yes...but don't tell me you wouldn't have done the same. I read my letter from Santa in which he says what a good girl I had been this year, trying to speed through the letter so I could get down to business and assess how I'd made out this year. I get to the last line and it says 'look in the backyard.' I was perplexed as to what could be there. I saw the Barbie jeep I'd requested in the corner, so it's not like it was sitting outside. Maybe there is an injured reindeer I need to nurse back to health back there? I ran into the den, looked outside, and saw.... A TRAMPOLINE!!!!!!!!!!!! OHMYGOSHHOWDIDMYPARENTSSNEAKTHATBACKTHERE?!??!?!?!
Needless to say, Santa was obviously real. At least, for that Christmas.
2.) The year I became an adult. Don't worry male readers, this has nothing to do with any processes the female body goes through. It deals with the point in my life in which my six foot long stocking could no longer be stuffed with Barbies and video games. Determined to still fill the giant sock with presents, my father had the brilliant idea to fill it with printer paper packets because I was typing so many papers for school. At that point I thanked my parents for their valiant efforts over the years to fill my stocking, but I was relieving them of their duty. Getting printer paper is probably the 2000 equivalent of coal.
3.) The Jeep. One year I got a Hot Wheels jeep to drive around in and I knew the world was mine for the taking. I would cruise around my backyard for hours, chasing Scout, our dog, and leaning back in the driver's seat like I was large and in charge. I'd wear sunglasses even in the winter and I would pack myself a lunch (usually of dunkaroos and gushers) for the road, in case my journeys ever took me out of my backyard. Life was glorious, until two jerks stole my beloved Jeep and trashed it. Luckily, said jerks were not very smart and trashed it in one of their backyards and left evidence. Their mothers made them save up enough allowance to buy me a new one and present it to me, along with a letter of apology. I said I forgave them (to much oohing and ahhing about how cute I was and how sweet) but I totally lied. I did not forgive, nor did I forget.
4.) The last Christmas I had with my grandmother. Christmas of 1993 was probably the last Christmas I was truly naïve of how precious life is. Until that point I had never experienced loss, and it didn't dawn on me that people wouldn't be around for forever. We went to my grandparents house, had a meal, played with the awesome toy train my grandfather set up for me each year, and had a great time laughing and loving eachother. The next day at church we found out my grandmother, Mama Helen (or Gree, as I usually called her), had suffered a heart attack and was in the hospital. She would later pass away in February of 1994. That Christmas was the last time I felt like I had a whole family. Since that Christmas, I've lost my great grandmother, my grandfather and my dad, and my family has dwindled to two.
One thing reflecting on past Christmases has done is made me realize what I want in my future family. I hope to marry someone one day that comes from a larger family so I can experience the big family affairs. Someone with brothers and sisters so my children can have cousins their own age to play and cause mischief with. I hope that my future family will have enough people to survive losses but still keep the family gatherings a tradition. Obviously I'm in no rush to get married since I am almost 29 and have been single for a very long time, but one day I'll be ready. I am excited for the day when I have children of my own and can find ways to make Christmas a time of wonder for them. I'm not sure about this Elf on a Shelf stuff because personally, I think a voyeur elf is pretty darn creepy, but I'm sure I'll change my viewpoint if it makes my little ones smile.
If I don't write anymore before Christmas, enjoy your holidays and being with your families. May you all be blessed with good fortune in 2014. Be safe, be kind, and most of all, be happy.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
The Art of Loving to Cook
Hello readers!
I'm trying to forget the fact that I was on a cruise ship two days ago in 80 degree weather and now I'm sitting on my living room floor in pajama pants (pirate themed, though!), a long sleeve shirt and a sweater and I'm still cold. The fact that I have a fever probably doesn't help. It's time for the Anna-just-went-on-vacation-so-naturally-her-body-hates-her annual illness. This post is sponsored by Dayquil and Nyquil, which both knock my on my ass, as my five friends I cruised with saw when I was passed out on the boat most of Sunday and had not had a single thing to drink. But, I digress.
We had some amazing food on our trip to Mexico. We started and ended the trip in New Orleans where, obviously, good food is everywhere. The food on the ship was good for the most part, and even if you hated what you ordered, you could order like four other things in its place until you found something you liked. In Mexico I had the best shrimp nachos and guacamole of my life. It was a good week for food.
But even though I enjoyed all of the food, I missed cooking. I have always liked to cook, but in the past couple of years, it has really become a passion of mine. I frequently spend all of Sunday afternoons in my kitchen, prepping and making my meals for the week, since I know I'm not going to have a lot of time for cooking after work. It's peaceful to me. I love the sounds of roasting vegetables in the oven and the crackling of hot oil in the skillet before you put your ingredients in. I like chopping vegetables...when I'm angry or frustrated at something it's a great way to expend energy and do something productive. I don't so much care about the eating part though, which is weird. Most of the time after I have spent hours cooking, I don't even want to eat anything I made and end up eating a sandwich for dinner. I love the prep more. But my favorite thing about cooking is watching other people enjoy my food. I'm a people pleaser by nature, but few things make me happier than cooking a delicious meal for friends and being with them while they enjoy it. I love planning menus for full meals or even just a tailgate dish. I seriously spend hours combing through recipes, tweaking them to make them my own, and counting down till I can make them. Living alone, I don't get the opportunity to cook for others as much as I'd like. I plan on changing this in 2014. I want to have friends over for dinner at least twice a month. I want to plan elaborate meals I'd never cook just for me (even though I have done that on occasion) and enjoy time with the people that mean the most to me.
People often ask me what are my favorite things to cook. I have listed my top 6 go-tos below. Let me know if you want the specific recipes, or if you want to come over and have me cook them for you! Seriously, I would be so excited if people wanted to invite themselves over!
1.) Scallops. I have mentioned before on this blog how much I love scallops, but they are my absolute favorite. They are delicious and you can do so many things with them. They seem very fancy, but require very little attention: two minutes on each side and they are done and ready to be consumed. Sometimes I'll just use salt & pepper and some lemon juice. Lovely. Other times I'll make a saffron sauce to serve with them. I was playing around in the kitchen one day and ended up creating a champagne cream sauce I served over pasta with scallops that I need to figure out how to make again. I really need to write things down more!
2.) Salmon. Seafood is my favorite, so I cook a lot of fish. I know it's more expensive than chicken, but it's what I like, so it's what I make. A simple rub of brown sugar and Dijon mustard is a great, quick, go-to recipe for work nights. Also, mixing grainy mustard and sour cream makes a great topping for your salmon. Rosemary is a great spice to use too, if you're looking for something different than the normal dill associated with salmon. Seriously, there are so many options for this yummy fish, and it's super good for you!
3.) Roasted vegetables. I make pans of roasted vegetables every week. Broccoli with lemon, asparagus, balsamic green beans & mushrooms, sriracha & honey brussel sprouts...YUM. Roasting is super easy, keeps the nutrients in the vegetables, and give the outside a crunch while cooking the inside to a comfort food temperature. I haven't found anything that I don't like to roast yet! Maybe I'll try eggplant next since I really want to like it, but haven't found a recipe I like yet.
4.) Homemade pasta. Yes, it's a lot of work. Yes, if you don't do certain things right you'll have a glob of basically playdough on your table. But, if you do it right, there are few things better. One of my goals in life is to be able to recreate my dad's lasagna that he would spend all day making. My mom won't be my guinea pig because she says it brings back hard memories, but I'm taking volunteers!
5.) Pad thai. I make the best pad thai I've ever had. I'm sorry, it's how I feel. There's a place downtown with good pad thai and of course, the Smiling Elephant is delicious, but I really feel like mine is just as good, if not better, and it's incredibly easy to make. I have trouble ordering it while I'm out, because it is so simple to make in my kitchen.
6.) Meatloaf. We were talking about this the other day in New Orleans: there are few ways to make meatloaf look appetizing. I mean, who hears the word 'loaf' and is like, man, that shit is going to be fancy?!?! But I actually really like it, and enjoy making it something people want to eat. I make buffalo chicken meatloaf with large chunks of bleu cheese and frank's red hot sauce. I also make a really good turkey and cranberry meatloaf that is really hearty and a great winter meal. I think I like making meatloaf so much because you can just thrown a lot of random ingredients in a bowl, mix together, and cook it. Chances are, if you know the ingredients you're putting in the bowl mix well, you'll have a tasty dinner.
I'm serious friends, let me know if you want to come over for dinner. I look forward to having many of you at my place soon for great food and some laughs!
I'm trying to forget the fact that I was on a cruise ship two days ago in 80 degree weather and now I'm sitting on my living room floor in pajama pants (pirate themed, though!), a long sleeve shirt and a sweater and I'm still cold. The fact that I have a fever probably doesn't help. It's time for the Anna-just-went-on-vacation-so-naturally-her-body-hates-her annual illness. This post is sponsored by Dayquil and Nyquil, which both knock my on my ass, as my five friends I cruised with saw when I was passed out on the boat most of Sunday and had not had a single thing to drink. But, I digress.
We had some amazing food on our trip to Mexico. We started and ended the trip in New Orleans where, obviously, good food is everywhere. The food on the ship was good for the most part, and even if you hated what you ordered, you could order like four other things in its place until you found something you liked. In Mexico I had the best shrimp nachos and guacamole of my life. It was a good week for food.
But even though I enjoyed all of the food, I missed cooking. I have always liked to cook, but in the past couple of years, it has really become a passion of mine. I frequently spend all of Sunday afternoons in my kitchen, prepping and making my meals for the week, since I know I'm not going to have a lot of time for cooking after work. It's peaceful to me. I love the sounds of roasting vegetables in the oven and the crackling of hot oil in the skillet before you put your ingredients in. I like chopping vegetables...when I'm angry or frustrated at something it's a great way to expend energy and do something productive. I don't so much care about the eating part though, which is weird. Most of the time after I have spent hours cooking, I don't even want to eat anything I made and end up eating a sandwich for dinner. I love the prep more. But my favorite thing about cooking is watching other people enjoy my food. I'm a people pleaser by nature, but few things make me happier than cooking a delicious meal for friends and being with them while they enjoy it. I love planning menus for full meals or even just a tailgate dish. I seriously spend hours combing through recipes, tweaking them to make them my own, and counting down till I can make them. Living alone, I don't get the opportunity to cook for others as much as I'd like. I plan on changing this in 2014. I want to have friends over for dinner at least twice a month. I want to plan elaborate meals I'd never cook just for me (even though I have done that on occasion) and enjoy time with the people that mean the most to me.
People often ask me what are my favorite things to cook. I have listed my top 6 go-tos below. Let me know if you want the specific recipes, or if you want to come over and have me cook them for you! Seriously, I would be so excited if people wanted to invite themselves over!
1.) Scallops. I have mentioned before on this blog how much I love scallops, but they are my absolute favorite. They are delicious and you can do so many things with them. They seem very fancy, but require very little attention: two minutes on each side and they are done and ready to be consumed. Sometimes I'll just use salt & pepper and some lemon juice. Lovely. Other times I'll make a saffron sauce to serve with them. I was playing around in the kitchen one day and ended up creating a champagne cream sauce I served over pasta with scallops that I need to figure out how to make again. I really need to write things down more!
2.) Salmon. Seafood is my favorite, so I cook a lot of fish. I know it's more expensive than chicken, but it's what I like, so it's what I make. A simple rub of brown sugar and Dijon mustard is a great, quick, go-to recipe for work nights. Also, mixing grainy mustard and sour cream makes a great topping for your salmon. Rosemary is a great spice to use too, if you're looking for something different than the normal dill associated with salmon. Seriously, there are so many options for this yummy fish, and it's super good for you!
3.) Roasted vegetables. I make pans of roasted vegetables every week. Broccoli with lemon, asparagus, balsamic green beans & mushrooms, sriracha & honey brussel sprouts...YUM. Roasting is super easy, keeps the nutrients in the vegetables, and give the outside a crunch while cooking the inside to a comfort food temperature. I haven't found anything that I don't like to roast yet! Maybe I'll try eggplant next since I really want to like it, but haven't found a recipe I like yet.
4.) Homemade pasta. Yes, it's a lot of work. Yes, if you don't do certain things right you'll have a glob of basically playdough on your table. But, if you do it right, there are few things better. One of my goals in life is to be able to recreate my dad's lasagna that he would spend all day making. My mom won't be my guinea pig because she says it brings back hard memories, but I'm taking volunteers!
5.) Pad thai. I make the best pad thai I've ever had. I'm sorry, it's how I feel. There's a place downtown with good pad thai and of course, the Smiling Elephant is delicious, but I really feel like mine is just as good, if not better, and it's incredibly easy to make. I have trouble ordering it while I'm out, because it is so simple to make in my kitchen.
6.) Meatloaf. We were talking about this the other day in New Orleans: there are few ways to make meatloaf look appetizing. I mean, who hears the word 'loaf' and is like, man, that shit is going to be fancy?!?! But I actually really like it, and enjoy making it something people want to eat. I make buffalo chicken meatloaf with large chunks of bleu cheese and frank's red hot sauce. I also make a really good turkey and cranberry meatloaf that is really hearty and a great winter meal. I think I like making meatloaf so much because you can just thrown a lot of random ingredients in a bowl, mix together, and cook it. Chances are, if you know the ingredients you're putting in the bowl mix well, you'll have a tasty dinner.
I'm serious friends, let me know if you want to come over for dinner. I look forward to having many of you at my place soon for great food and some laughs!
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
An Empty Spot at the Table
I swear, not every blog entry I write from now on will have something to do with my dad. But, it's on my heart, so it's coming out through my words.
This Thanksgiving, there will be a void at the Thanksgiving table. This void will be added to the existing ones which once held places for my great grandmother, grandfather, and grandmother. They say one is the loneliest number, but this year, two seems pretty damn lonely to me.
When my mom asked what I wanted to do for Thanksgiving this year, I immediately had an idea. In the past we'd always done the traditional turkey, dressing, cranberry crap, green bean casserole, rolls, and pie that seem to make up the standard Thanksgiving fare. Having mom slave away over a turkey for just two people seemed silly. I told her I wanted to have Italian food and she said she didn't know how to make it because she never learned how to...dad always cooked it.
And boy, did he.
My daddy was an amazing cook. He could make pasta from scratch and I don't think I'll ever taste anything as good as his lasagna. He would make traditional Italian pastries for special occasions. He'd give out his creations to his friends at Christmas...I always thought it was hilarious he'd give cakes to his favorite spin instructors at the YMCA. Cooking is one thing I got from him, although mom is a good cook too. But she doesn't have the love for it that daddy and I had/have.
So this year, I'm cooking my first holiday meal. I'm making a traditional Italian meal in honor of dad. I'm going to attempt to make the lemon bars he'd always make for mom's birthday, but since the recipe was only in his head, that one will be tricky. But while I'm cooking tomorrow, I'm going to pretend that dad is there watching me and helping me make the pasta dough. I'm going to pretend that he'll do the dishes and complain that I'm not helping. I'm going to pretend that after our meal we'll return to the living room and get trapped watching one of those silly Hallmark holiday movies he loved so much. I'm going to pretend he's sitting in his chair, talking to Cooper the cat, acting like he can't stand the cat but he secretly loves him. I'm going to pretend that before I go to bed, I'll hug him goodnight and tell him I love him.
This will be the first major holiday without dad. Yesterday was five months to the day that he died. It's going to be a hard day. Mom isn't taking it well. There will be many tears. But alongside the tears, there will be memories. Memories of the daddy who would spend hours playing Barbies with me and taking me to pottery lessons in the summer while listening to Oak Ridge Boys tapes. Memories of the man who survived so much in his life but never complained...except about little things like papercuts. Memories of the times I made him proud and I thought his face was going to crack from smiling so wide. Memories of the times I made him laugh, a deep laugh from the belly...most of those came from making fun of my mother's odd habits in some ways. And memories of the last time I told him I loved him.
Treasure your loved ones this Thanksgiving, whether they be the family you were born with or the family you accumulated along the way. Make memories, even if they seem silly or small. Laugh together and love. Be thankful for one another.
I know I am eternally thankful for the 28 years, 132 days, 8 hours, and 2 minutes I got to spend with my daddy.
This Thanksgiving, there will be a void at the Thanksgiving table. This void will be added to the existing ones which once held places for my great grandmother, grandfather, and grandmother. They say one is the loneliest number, but this year, two seems pretty damn lonely to me.
When my mom asked what I wanted to do for Thanksgiving this year, I immediately had an idea. In the past we'd always done the traditional turkey, dressing, cranberry crap, green bean casserole, rolls, and pie that seem to make up the standard Thanksgiving fare. Having mom slave away over a turkey for just two people seemed silly. I told her I wanted to have Italian food and she said she didn't know how to make it because she never learned how to...dad always cooked it.
And boy, did he.
My daddy was an amazing cook. He could make pasta from scratch and I don't think I'll ever taste anything as good as his lasagna. He would make traditional Italian pastries for special occasions. He'd give out his creations to his friends at Christmas...I always thought it was hilarious he'd give cakes to his favorite spin instructors at the YMCA. Cooking is one thing I got from him, although mom is a good cook too. But she doesn't have the love for it that daddy and I had/have.
So this year, I'm cooking my first holiday meal. I'm making a traditional Italian meal in honor of dad. I'm going to attempt to make the lemon bars he'd always make for mom's birthday, but since the recipe was only in his head, that one will be tricky. But while I'm cooking tomorrow, I'm going to pretend that dad is there watching me and helping me make the pasta dough. I'm going to pretend that he'll do the dishes and complain that I'm not helping. I'm going to pretend that after our meal we'll return to the living room and get trapped watching one of those silly Hallmark holiday movies he loved so much. I'm going to pretend he's sitting in his chair, talking to Cooper the cat, acting like he can't stand the cat but he secretly loves him. I'm going to pretend that before I go to bed, I'll hug him goodnight and tell him I love him.
This will be the first major holiday without dad. Yesterday was five months to the day that he died. It's going to be a hard day. Mom isn't taking it well. There will be many tears. But alongside the tears, there will be memories. Memories of the daddy who would spend hours playing Barbies with me and taking me to pottery lessons in the summer while listening to Oak Ridge Boys tapes. Memories of the man who survived so much in his life but never complained...except about little things like papercuts. Memories of the times I made him proud and I thought his face was going to crack from smiling so wide. Memories of the times I made him laugh, a deep laugh from the belly...most of those came from making fun of my mother's odd habits in some ways. And memories of the last time I told him I loved him.
Treasure your loved ones this Thanksgiving, whether they be the family you were born with or the family you accumulated along the way. Make memories, even if they seem silly or small. Laugh together and love. Be thankful for one another.
I know I am eternally thankful for the 28 years, 132 days, 8 hours, and 2 minutes I got to spend with my daddy.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
A Letter To My Awful Downstairs Neighbor On The Day I Move Out
Greetings readers! Or, reader...
Yes, it's been a long time. I know. I wish I could say I was out saving the whales or walking little old ladies across the street, but really, I've just been lazy. Work was really insane for a while and when I came home at the end of the day, all I wanted to do was watch Modern Family re-runs on TNT and eat roasted mushrooms and green beans, apparently my new favorite thing. Coating in balsamic vinegar and olive oil and roasting for 35 minutes makes pretty much any vegetable a delightful treat.
So what's new since I last wrote?
Well, I'm buying a townhouse. I haven't found it yet, but I'm buying one. Instead of moving apartments when my lease is up, I am going to put down roots and be a big girl and buy something. I had hoped to move to Chicago in the near future, but for a lot of reasons, I just don't see that happening. I'm all mom has left and I don't want to be that far away from her in case something happens. But, things are also going extremely well in my career, and I don't want to give that up to start over somewhere else. My boss is fantastic and gives me lots of great opportunities to grow and learn new skills. Plus, I'm starting a year long leadership program next month that I'm really excited about.
Mainly, I'm excited to have an end date to living in my apartment with the world's loudest man upstairs. I have (frequently) dreamed about writing him a nasty-gram and leaving it on his door on my last day. It would go a little something like this:
Dear Asshole in 1408
It is with extreme pleasure that I bid you adieu, sir. For the past nine months I have listened to you slam your sliding glass door, stomp as loud as an elephant every time you move (which is constantly...do you wear a pedometer or something? Do you have goals as to how many steps you walk each day?), yell at your ex-wife over the phone, scream at your girlfriend in person (wow sir, you sure do know how to treat the ladies), and yell to whoever will listen to you on the phone about how you're trying to get a job and you're not a deadbeat. Well, I kind of think you are, since I've caught you sleeping in your car in the middle of the day on more than one occassion, but that is neither here nor there.
I hope your next downstairs neighbor brings an arsenal of fans and noise machines to drown out your constant blundering around at 2:47 in the morning. I hope they enjoy the plethora (I bet you don't know what that word means) of decorative cigarette butts you so kindly drop onto my porch on a daily basis. And I really hope they enjoy listening to you throw items and break them, only to immediately vaccum them up. At least you're tidy. I'd hate if you cut your foot on a piece of ceramic lamp you demolished during one of your stomping tirades. With as hard as your feet land, the piece of lamp would get jammed up practically to your ankle.
So good luck to you in finding a job, being nicer to your poor girlfriend (no idea why she puts up with you...maybe you make a mean lasagna?) and working toward not being a total dick. Let me know how that works out for you.
Or actually...don't. Because I'm moving out and I never have to see or hear you again.
Best,
Your newly-liberated former neighbor in 1404
Yes, it's been a long time. I know. I wish I could say I was out saving the whales or walking little old ladies across the street, but really, I've just been lazy. Work was really insane for a while and when I came home at the end of the day, all I wanted to do was watch Modern Family re-runs on TNT and eat roasted mushrooms and green beans, apparently my new favorite thing. Coating in balsamic vinegar and olive oil and roasting for 35 minutes makes pretty much any vegetable a delightful treat.
So what's new since I last wrote?
Well, I'm buying a townhouse. I haven't found it yet, but I'm buying one. Instead of moving apartments when my lease is up, I am going to put down roots and be a big girl and buy something. I had hoped to move to Chicago in the near future, but for a lot of reasons, I just don't see that happening. I'm all mom has left and I don't want to be that far away from her in case something happens. But, things are also going extremely well in my career, and I don't want to give that up to start over somewhere else. My boss is fantastic and gives me lots of great opportunities to grow and learn new skills. Plus, I'm starting a year long leadership program next month that I'm really excited about.
Mainly, I'm excited to have an end date to living in my apartment with the world's loudest man upstairs. I have (frequently) dreamed about writing him a nasty-gram and leaving it on his door on my last day. It would go a little something like this:
Dear Asshole in 1408
It is with extreme pleasure that I bid you adieu, sir. For the past nine months I have listened to you slam your sliding glass door, stomp as loud as an elephant every time you move (which is constantly...do you wear a pedometer or something? Do you have goals as to how many steps you walk each day?), yell at your ex-wife over the phone, scream at your girlfriend in person (wow sir, you sure do know how to treat the ladies), and yell to whoever will listen to you on the phone about how you're trying to get a job and you're not a deadbeat. Well, I kind of think you are, since I've caught you sleeping in your car in the middle of the day on more than one occassion, but that is neither here nor there.
I hope your next downstairs neighbor brings an arsenal of fans and noise machines to drown out your constant blundering around at 2:47 in the morning. I hope they enjoy the plethora (I bet you don't know what that word means) of decorative cigarette butts you so kindly drop onto my porch on a daily basis. And I really hope they enjoy listening to you throw items and break them, only to immediately vaccum them up. At least you're tidy. I'd hate if you cut your foot on a piece of ceramic lamp you demolished during one of your stomping tirades. With as hard as your feet land, the piece of lamp would get jammed up practically to your ankle.
So good luck to you in finding a job, being nicer to your poor girlfriend (no idea why she puts up with you...maybe you make a mean lasagna?) and working toward not being a total dick. Let me know how that works out for you.
Or actually...don't. Because I'm moving out and I never have to see or hear you again.
Best,
Your newly-liberated former neighbor in 1404
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
The Art of Writer's Block
Writing has been tough the past couple of months. I've already written two pretty depressing entries but don't worry...this is not a third. Or at least, I set out at 1:00 a.m. this morning to make it cheery. We'll see how things go.
I've just been uninspired lately. I haven't really had any major adventures (other than Kroger on Senior Tuesday), haven't passed any major milestones (I guess I did turn 28 & 1/2) and haven't made any amazing discoveries (other than I could possibly live on hot & sour soup for the rest of my life if I needed to because it is my new FAVORITE. And we all know how I hate all-caps.)
I've started and scrapped several blog entries over the past few weeks. Below is a comprehensive list (maybe not completely comprehensive...I get the distinct feeling I started a blog entry in a wine haze after too many glasses of Lonely Cow after a dinner) but it's the best you're going to get.
Live-Blogging the MTV movie awards: At this point, why bother posting? You're over it, I'm over it, and the only thing that isn't over it is Miley Cyrus's tongue. One of the best parts of the show was the Beyonce Pepsi commercial (yes, a repeat, I know. The show was that bad.), the NSYNC reunion was way too brief but I don't think 4/5's of the guys could have gone on much longer, I'm even more excited to see JT in November than I already was, and I think the show was in Brooklyn but I'm not positive because they didn't say where it was located enough. Done. You're welcome for that summary.
My Thoughts On the Current State of Traffic in Nashville: Spoiler alert - it's turrible. I think the source of my ire comes from the fact that school has started back up, thus adding 20 minutes to my commute each morning. I did get some satisfaction this morning when a motorcycle cop pulled over the jackass who cut from the back of the right lane waiting to merge on I-40 all the way to the left lane in front of me, forcing me to let her in or rear end her. He looked very mad (he was on the shoulder of the exit ramp) and waived her over angrily. I can't imagine that he could do anything but scold her and shake his finger at her, but it did give me some sort of sense of justice in the world. Bravo, cop. Bravo.
Apparently I'm Really Good At Coming Up With Insults: My co-worker/friend/sorority sister has brought out this new-found talent within me. She'll usually ask me, "Okay, so this person isn't quite a (really bad name) but (mediocre bad name) doesn't do him/her justice. What's in between?" She's asked me this two times and both times I have come up with a satisfactory answer. I won't write on here what I say because I know once it's on the interwebs it never goes away, and I don't want my future litter of children to find this on their holographic 3D super speed computers and ask why mommy was allowed to say bad things if they weren't. My biggest fear is that my kid's first word will be 'fuck.' Who am I kidding...I'll laugh. Let's be honest. But I'll try to do so out of earshot of my children. And I'll probably blame it on their daddy.
How Excited I Am To Watch Sports I Care About Again: But really, who isn't excited that football is back and basketball is vastly approaching? This would be completely uninteresting and therefore, I did not get past the first sentence.
The Art of Personal Space: I have a big thing about personal space. I live in a very small bubble and not everyone is invited to invade said bubble. I can't stand hover-ers at work, who will stand in front of you until acknowledged, even if you're on the phone and I can't stand to be hugged unless I know you and at least one dirty secret about you. But this is turning into a negative entry and I'm trying not to do that. Remember, 'Choose Joy' and all that...I got it tattooed on my body for a reason...listen to your tattoo!
Thos are the few I can remember and could write something witty about. Lots of entries didn't even make it past the first line. I hope you enjoyed my (attempted) return at my normal style of blogging. Hopefully I'll have more of my wisdom (opinions) to contribute to the world soon.
Love & Light
I've just been uninspired lately. I haven't really had any major adventures (other than Kroger on Senior Tuesday), haven't passed any major milestones (I guess I did turn 28 & 1/2) and haven't made any amazing discoveries (other than I could possibly live on hot & sour soup for the rest of my life if I needed to because it is my new FAVORITE. And we all know how I hate all-caps.)
I've started and scrapped several blog entries over the past few weeks. Below is a comprehensive list (maybe not completely comprehensive...I get the distinct feeling I started a blog entry in a wine haze after too many glasses of Lonely Cow after a dinner) but it's the best you're going to get.
Live-Blogging the MTV movie awards: At this point, why bother posting? You're over it, I'm over it, and the only thing that isn't over it is Miley Cyrus's tongue. One of the best parts of the show was the Beyonce Pepsi commercial (yes, a repeat, I know. The show was that bad.), the NSYNC reunion was way too brief but I don't think 4/5's of the guys could have gone on much longer, I'm even more excited to see JT in November than I already was, and I think the show was in Brooklyn but I'm not positive because they didn't say where it was located enough. Done. You're welcome for that summary.
My Thoughts On the Current State of Traffic in Nashville: Spoiler alert - it's turrible. I think the source of my ire comes from the fact that school has started back up, thus adding 20 minutes to my commute each morning. I did get some satisfaction this morning when a motorcycle cop pulled over the jackass who cut from the back of the right lane waiting to merge on I-40 all the way to the left lane in front of me, forcing me to let her in or rear end her. He looked very mad (he was on the shoulder of the exit ramp) and waived her over angrily. I can't imagine that he could do anything but scold her and shake his finger at her, but it did give me some sort of sense of justice in the world. Bravo, cop. Bravo.
Apparently I'm Really Good At Coming Up With Insults: My co-worker/friend/sorority sister has brought out this new-found talent within me. She'll usually ask me, "Okay, so this person isn't quite a (really bad name) but (mediocre bad name) doesn't do him/her justice. What's in between?" She's asked me this two times and both times I have come up with a satisfactory answer. I won't write on here what I say because I know once it's on the interwebs it never goes away, and I don't want my future litter of children to find this on their holographic 3D super speed computers and ask why mommy was allowed to say bad things if they weren't. My biggest fear is that my kid's first word will be 'fuck.' Who am I kidding...I'll laugh. Let's be honest. But I'll try to do so out of earshot of my children. And I'll probably blame it on their daddy.
How Excited I Am To Watch Sports I Care About Again: But really, who isn't excited that football is back and basketball is vastly approaching? This would be completely uninteresting and therefore, I did not get past the first sentence.
The Art of Personal Space: I have a big thing about personal space. I live in a very small bubble and not everyone is invited to invade said bubble. I can't stand hover-ers at work, who will stand in front of you until acknowledged, even if you're on the phone and I can't stand to be hugged unless I know you and at least one dirty secret about you. But this is turning into a negative entry and I'm trying not to do that. Remember, 'Choose Joy' and all that...I got it tattooed on my body for a reason...listen to your tattoo!
Thos are the few I can remember and could write something witty about. Lots of entries didn't even make it past the first line. I hope you enjoyed my (attempted) return at my normal style of blogging. Hopefully I'll have more of my wisdom (opinions) to contribute to the world soon.
Love & Light
Sunday, August 18, 2013
The Art of Eating Soup
Hi readers:
It's been a long while. Well, I wrote a post right after my dad passed away six weeks ago, but I didn't post it very long. You see, I've been very curious about people's varying reactions to the news of my father's death. You have the people who are genuinely sorry, the people want information they have no business knowing, the people who start crying about a loss they suffered (oh, so do I comfort you now?) and the people who just don't know what to say. I've experienced all of those, and I'm usually pretty fine with people's reactions, but one thing really did set me off.
I started off my previous blog saying that at that point, I had told the details to pretty much everyone I wanted to/needed to, and I wouldn't be going into detail in my blog. I guess I should have written in all caps DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS because apparently some people didn't get that memo. I know that when you post something on a social networking site you open yourself up to criticism and comments. I get it. But damn, not ten minutes after I posted the article to my Facebook account someone who I knew in college but hadn't seen for years commented some version of the following: Wow, sounds like your dad survived a lot. What happened? You can send me a private message if you'd like.
Oh really? A private message? Gee, you are so thoughtful! Thank you for taking into account that I might not want to share the details of my dad's death on Facebook. You're such a giver. Obviously you didn't really read what I wrote because I clearly said I had already told people I wanted to/needed to know. I'm debating on whether or not to block that person from being able to read this entry. I'm not calling them out by name, and I don't really care if they're offended I'm writing about them. I'm not responsible for their reaction to my feelings.
Anyway, that's why I took a break from writing. And also, I haven't been super inspired lately. I just try to get through life one day at a time. Some days that's easier than others, and some days, friends, you aren't going to be able to win. I shared with my friend C at lunch yesterday that some days, there is no right answer. If you say one thing, I'll have wished you said another. If you said the other thing, I would be pissed you didn't say the first thing. I'm self-aware enough to know this is not fair. I try and stay away from people on days like that. But, in our open office area at work, it's pretty impossible. My friend/sorority sister/co-worker said I need a sign on my desk that says 'Today is not your day.' And I really do. But I don't want to be my mother and start constructing signs and taping them to doors of the house saying 'Do not knock, ring doorbell, leave anything or visit. DOCTOR'S ORDERS'. Yeah. Because that happened and it's totally normal and not anti-social/borderline rude. At all.
I spend a lot of time at home, reading and eating soup. Because when you have to be ON and social and pleasant 40 hours a week because it's your job, sometimes you just don't want to pretend anymore or put on a show. I don't want to pretend to be happy at happy hour. Because I'm not happy. Not all the time, but I'm still very sad. I'm doing things to cope and get help with dealing with this huge change in my life, but I'm a work in progress. My friends have been amazing, giving me space when I need it and watching Pitch Perfect for the 177th time when I need to be around people. I'm not very good asking people for help. So even if I don't respond to a text or email or phone call for a few days, I appreciate you checking in.
Speaking of soup, last night I went to Kroger and spent $30 on hot and sour soup and bleu cheese stuffed olives because that's the only meal that sounded good to me. You'd think I was pregnant or something. Which I know is not possible. Well, I guess it could be, but considering the amount of times a day I say the word 'fuck', I doubt God would pick me as an incubator for Jesus Jr. Call it sacrilege, I call it honesty. Because let's be honest, the last thing I need is a kid. I can barely take care of my diva of a cat.
So that's my life right now: soup, work, books, and the occasional social event. And that's okay. I've been doing a little bit of dating, which I haven't done in a long time, but we'll see. maybe I'll find someone to eat soup with me, and maybe not. But I'm trying. I think that's actually my life right now: I'm trying. I'm trying to be happy, do my job, be a good friend, check in on others, be supportive, and lots of other things. I know I don't always succeed, but know that I want to. Be better. My HR friends at work will like that one.
Until next time...oh, and if you get a chance, go back and read my previous entry. Because I'm proud of it. Just don't ask how he died. There. I said it. It is spelled out. I've done all I can.
It's been a long while. Well, I wrote a post right after my dad passed away six weeks ago, but I didn't post it very long. You see, I've been very curious about people's varying reactions to the news of my father's death. You have the people who are genuinely sorry, the people want information they have no business knowing, the people who start crying about a loss they suffered (oh, so do I comfort you now?) and the people who just don't know what to say. I've experienced all of those, and I'm usually pretty fine with people's reactions, but one thing really did set me off.
I started off my previous blog saying that at that point, I had told the details to pretty much everyone I wanted to/needed to, and I wouldn't be going into detail in my blog. I guess I should have written in all caps DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS because apparently some people didn't get that memo. I know that when you post something on a social networking site you open yourself up to criticism and comments. I get it. But damn, not ten minutes after I posted the article to my Facebook account someone who I knew in college but hadn't seen for years commented some version of the following: Wow, sounds like your dad survived a lot. What happened? You can send me a private message if you'd like.
Oh really? A private message? Gee, you are so thoughtful! Thank you for taking into account that I might not want to share the details of my dad's death on Facebook. You're such a giver. Obviously you didn't really read what I wrote because I clearly said I had already told people I wanted to/needed to know. I'm debating on whether or not to block that person from being able to read this entry. I'm not calling them out by name, and I don't really care if they're offended I'm writing about them. I'm not responsible for their reaction to my feelings.
Anyway, that's why I took a break from writing. And also, I haven't been super inspired lately. I just try to get through life one day at a time. Some days that's easier than others, and some days, friends, you aren't going to be able to win. I shared with my friend C at lunch yesterday that some days, there is no right answer. If you say one thing, I'll have wished you said another. If you said the other thing, I would be pissed you didn't say the first thing. I'm self-aware enough to know this is not fair. I try and stay away from people on days like that. But, in our open office area at work, it's pretty impossible. My friend/sorority sister/co-worker said I need a sign on my desk that says 'Today is not your day.' And I really do. But I don't want to be my mother and start constructing signs and taping them to doors of the house saying 'Do not knock, ring doorbell, leave anything or visit. DOCTOR'S ORDERS'. Yeah. Because that happened and it's totally normal and not anti-social/borderline rude. At all.
I spend a lot of time at home, reading and eating soup. Because when you have to be ON and social and pleasant 40 hours a week because it's your job, sometimes you just don't want to pretend anymore or put on a show. I don't want to pretend to be happy at happy hour. Because I'm not happy. Not all the time, but I'm still very sad. I'm doing things to cope and get help with dealing with this huge change in my life, but I'm a work in progress. My friends have been amazing, giving me space when I need it and watching Pitch Perfect for the 177th time when I need to be around people. I'm not very good asking people for help. So even if I don't respond to a text or email or phone call for a few days, I appreciate you checking in.
Speaking of soup, last night I went to Kroger and spent $30 on hot and sour soup and bleu cheese stuffed olives because that's the only meal that sounded good to me. You'd think I was pregnant or something. Which I know is not possible. Well, I guess it could be, but considering the amount of times a day I say the word 'fuck', I doubt God would pick me as an incubator for Jesus Jr. Call it sacrilege, I call it honesty. Because let's be honest, the last thing I need is a kid. I can barely take care of my diva of a cat.
So that's my life right now: soup, work, books, and the occasional social event. And that's okay. I've been doing a little bit of dating, which I haven't done in a long time, but we'll see. maybe I'll find someone to eat soup with me, and maybe not. But I'm trying. I think that's actually my life right now: I'm trying. I'm trying to be happy, do my job, be a good friend, check in on others, be supportive, and lots of other things. I know I don't always succeed, but know that I want to. Be better. My HR friends at work will like that one.
Until next time...oh, and if you get a chance, go back and read my previous entry. Because I'm proud of it. Just don't ask how he died. There. I said it. It is spelled out. I've done all I can.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Advice From A Girl Who Just Lost Her Dad
Hi readers.
Not going to lie, it has been a pretty shitty two weeks. It's been an emotional roller coaster and the ride won't be over for a long time. My father, who had survived cancer, a clinical trial where he was the only survivor, a heart attach and a blood clot condition, finally encountered something he couldn't fight and I lost him at 5:08 p.m. on June 26th. They say everyone grieves in their own way, and writing has always been therapeutic for me. I won't go into a lot of details about what happened and please respect that decision by not asking for more information. I tell the people I want to know the whole situation and if you haven't heard by now, it's not important that you know.
I decided to write this list of advice I'd offer to other people my age. I hope anyone reading this never has to experience what I'm going through, but who knows...this could be helpful to someone at some point in their life. The following list of advice is just my opinion.
1.) Always take an ambulance when offered.
2.) Know your family members' allergies, medical history, and medications. At my age, 28, I would assume most people know vague summaries of their parents' and siblings' medical histories, but not enough to go into much detail. Because my parents haven't been in the best of health, my family is a little different. I was very knowledgeable about medical procedures my father had in the past, his allergies, and his medication, both the schedule and dosages. This was very important because it allowed his doctors to get to work faster, once he arrived in Nashville. You think as the child, it would be another parent's responsibility to know this information. But you can't always count on your other parent being available, or in the correct state of mind, to be helpful.
3.) Know your family members' final wishes. When we were asked if we wanted to remove the breathing mask, even though by doing so it meant he would not survive, we knew what dad wanted. Quality of life was so much more important than quantity of life. We knew he wanted to be comfortable but he didn't want to stick around this Earth if he wasn't going to enjoy his life. We were able to give him a peaceful passing, and although my heart still hurts so much every time I think about it, I have solace in the knowledge that we did what my daddy wanted.
4.) This one is heavily just my opinion, but I would say don't look at the person in their last moments. Mom and I were in the room, holding his hand when he passed. I just stared at his hand because I did not want to see the last breathe he took. We sat there for a little over an hour and the nurse would update us on his breathing. When she said it was slowing down, I watched only his chest, watching it rise and fall slower and slower. When it didn't rise for a time, I went out to the nurses' station to let them know it was over. But, God was exceptionally cruel that day and when I entered the room, daddy took one last breath, and I saw it. It's an image that keeps me awake at night and gives me nightmares when I finally do sleep. I find myself thinking back to that moment during the day and I have to hold in my emotions at work. I know with time it won't be so prevalent in my memory, but right now, it's all I think about. Who knows. If I hadn't been in the room I may be crying at the fact that I wasn't there. There's no way to know how I would feel if I did something differently. I just know that right now, in this moment, I wish I hadn't seen that.
5.) Grieve the way you want to grieve. There are days I want to be around friends. There are days I want to be by myself. There are days I avoid everything going on and seem happy. There are days when I'm tired of saying I'm okay when I'm really not. I shouldn't be afraid to admit that some days, I am not okay. I will be, but some days I just don't want to hide how sad I am. I don't want to put on a show so people won't think I'm going to break. My friends and co-workers have been so great to me and I couldn't ask for a better support system. But know if I don't reply to a message or if I cancel plans, it's not because I'm losing it, I just want to feel what I feel and not have to put on a face for anyone.
6.) Prepare yourself for upcoming life events. I know weddings are going to be very hard. That doesn't mean that I don't want to support my friends getting married or that I don't want to be at their weddings. I wouldn't miss the two I have coming up for the world. But I am mentally preparing myself for the father/daughter things. For a while, when things weren't the best between me and my dad, I had said I didn't want him to walk me down the aisle. Now that I don't have that option anymore, I want it more than anything. Same with the father/daughter dance. I know I'll be surrounded by friends at both weddings and I love the couples who are getting married dearly. I just have to know what to expect, surround myself with friends, and concentrate on the love in the room between my friends who are lucky enough to find their other halves. The first year is going to be hard too, because every holiday/event will be the first one without dad. His birthday is in September, I had said we'd go to the UK/Vandy football game together this fall as his Father's Day present, and Christmas is going to be very lonely. Not to mention my birthday, Father's Day next year, and pretty much any significant event that happens to me. I started bawling the other day when I was watching some random tv show and a girl had just given birth and handed her father his first grandchild to hold.
I really don't have much else. This weekend will be hard because it will be the first time I've been at the house when he wasn't there. It'll be weird to not see him sitting in his chair by the computer, playing solitaire. It will be weird to not have him comment on how messy my car is when he fills up my gas tank for me before I'd return home. And it'll be weird to walk out of the house, not having him hug me and tell me he loves me. But I'll get through it, just like I'll get through next week, and next month, next year, and all of the rest of the years of my life. But even though I'll get through it, the hole in my heart which houses the pain of loss of my grandmother and grandfather, definitely got a little bigger two weeks, one day, and four hours and forty two minutes ago.
Not going to lie, it has been a pretty shitty two weeks. It's been an emotional roller coaster and the ride won't be over for a long time. My father, who had survived cancer, a clinical trial where he was the only survivor, a heart attach and a blood clot condition, finally encountered something he couldn't fight and I lost him at 5:08 p.m. on June 26th. They say everyone grieves in their own way, and writing has always been therapeutic for me. I won't go into a lot of details about what happened and please respect that decision by not asking for more information. I tell the people I want to know the whole situation and if you haven't heard by now, it's not important that you know.
I decided to write this list of advice I'd offer to other people my age. I hope anyone reading this never has to experience what I'm going through, but who knows...this could be helpful to someone at some point in their life. The following list of advice is just my opinion.
1.) Always take an ambulance when offered.
2.) Know your family members' allergies, medical history, and medications. At my age, 28, I would assume most people know vague summaries of their parents' and siblings' medical histories, but not enough to go into much detail. Because my parents haven't been in the best of health, my family is a little different. I was very knowledgeable about medical procedures my father had in the past, his allergies, and his medication, both the schedule and dosages. This was very important because it allowed his doctors to get to work faster, once he arrived in Nashville. You think as the child, it would be another parent's responsibility to know this information. But you can't always count on your other parent being available, or in the correct state of mind, to be helpful.
3.) Know your family members' final wishes. When we were asked if we wanted to remove the breathing mask, even though by doing so it meant he would not survive, we knew what dad wanted. Quality of life was so much more important than quantity of life. We knew he wanted to be comfortable but he didn't want to stick around this Earth if he wasn't going to enjoy his life. We were able to give him a peaceful passing, and although my heart still hurts so much every time I think about it, I have solace in the knowledge that we did what my daddy wanted.
4.) This one is heavily just my opinion, but I would say don't look at the person in their last moments. Mom and I were in the room, holding his hand when he passed. I just stared at his hand because I did not want to see the last breathe he took. We sat there for a little over an hour and the nurse would update us on his breathing. When she said it was slowing down, I watched only his chest, watching it rise and fall slower and slower. When it didn't rise for a time, I went out to the nurses' station to let them know it was over. But, God was exceptionally cruel that day and when I entered the room, daddy took one last breath, and I saw it. It's an image that keeps me awake at night and gives me nightmares when I finally do sleep. I find myself thinking back to that moment during the day and I have to hold in my emotions at work. I know with time it won't be so prevalent in my memory, but right now, it's all I think about. Who knows. If I hadn't been in the room I may be crying at the fact that I wasn't there. There's no way to know how I would feel if I did something differently. I just know that right now, in this moment, I wish I hadn't seen that.
5.) Grieve the way you want to grieve. There are days I want to be around friends. There are days I want to be by myself. There are days I avoid everything going on and seem happy. There are days when I'm tired of saying I'm okay when I'm really not. I shouldn't be afraid to admit that some days, I am not okay. I will be, but some days I just don't want to hide how sad I am. I don't want to put on a show so people won't think I'm going to break. My friends and co-workers have been so great to me and I couldn't ask for a better support system. But know if I don't reply to a message or if I cancel plans, it's not because I'm losing it, I just want to feel what I feel and not have to put on a face for anyone.
6.) Prepare yourself for upcoming life events. I know weddings are going to be very hard. That doesn't mean that I don't want to support my friends getting married or that I don't want to be at their weddings. I wouldn't miss the two I have coming up for the world. But I am mentally preparing myself for the father/daughter things. For a while, when things weren't the best between me and my dad, I had said I didn't want him to walk me down the aisle. Now that I don't have that option anymore, I want it more than anything. Same with the father/daughter dance. I know I'll be surrounded by friends at both weddings and I love the couples who are getting married dearly. I just have to know what to expect, surround myself with friends, and concentrate on the love in the room between my friends who are lucky enough to find their other halves. The first year is going to be hard too, because every holiday/event will be the first one without dad. His birthday is in September, I had said we'd go to the UK/Vandy football game together this fall as his Father's Day present, and Christmas is going to be very lonely. Not to mention my birthday, Father's Day next year, and pretty much any significant event that happens to me. I started bawling the other day when I was watching some random tv show and a girl had just given birth and handed her father his first grandchild to hold.
I really don't have much else. This weekend will be hard because it will be the first time I've been at the house when he wasn't there. It'll be weird to not see him sitting in his chair by the computer, playing solitaire. It will be weird to not have him comment on how messy my car is when he fills up my gas tank for me before I'd return home. And it'll be weird to walk out of the house, not having him hug me and tell me he loves me. But I'll get through it, just like I'll get through next week, and next month, next year, and all of the rest of the years of my life. But even though I'll get through it, the hole in my heart which houses the pain of loss of my grandmother and grandfather, definitely got a little bigger two weeks, one day, and four hours and forty two minutes ago.
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