Quotes From Last Weekend

Obviously I am not creative enough to come up with my own blog ideas, so I take things from popular culture and tweak them, and call them my own.  Today's segment will be titled 'Quotes from Last Weekend', based on the popular Texts From Last Night.  This weekend was a whirlwind of activity and I'm sure I haven't remembered half of the funny things that were said.  Also, there were more funny things that even I, normally a pretty open book, refuse to put out on the interwebs.  So, without further anticipation, here is QFLW.

"This tastes like Bonnaroo." 
Oy.  So Friday night five of us girls decided to go to the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I'd seen bits and pieces of it on VH1 and knew it had a cult following, but didn't know how dedicated people were to this movie.  We dressed up in our classiest (re: sluttiest) outfits (let's just say my boobs were cold and ripped fishnets were involved) and headed to Jacksons for a little pregaming.  Because honestly?  I feel like everyone needs a little liquid courage before going to TRHPS.  We ordered a round of drinks and decided to take a shot at 11:25 before we headed over to the Belcourt.  Our waitress said she had just the thing and brought out this green shot called chartreuse.  It kind of looked like the slime guy from Ghost Busters.  We all took the shot and here's what our faces looked like:


Here were our verbal reactions:
"This is awful."
"It tastes like Pine-Sol."
"Will I pass a drug test?"
"This tastes like Bonnaroo."

That last reaction was mine, because it seriously did taste like what I expect Bonnaroo would taste like, if it had a taste: liquid weed, dirt, grass, bad smells, and even worse decisions.  Thank God there is no such real flavor.  How would you like to get a Bonnaroo flavored Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean?  Shudder.  Anyway, chartreuse does not play.  It has like 130 herbal components and the effects are instantaneous.  We were all sitting there like WTF did we just do.  However, we quickly composed ourselves and headed over to the Belcourt to get our seats.  TRHPS is a trip, and I recommend going at least once.  Of course, you have to have a red V put on your cheek or chest to signify you are a TRHPS virgin and do other humiliating things, but just toss back a shot of chartreuse and you won't care that much.  Oh, the shot is $10, fyi.  Yet another thing the waitress forgot to mention to us, other than that stuff will mess with you.

"Did you just get hit by an acorn?"
I stopped by our tailgate for a little bit on Saturday and was there to witness my poor friend C get hit in the forehead by a giant acorn.  Here's how that went:
"Oh my God, you got hit by an acorn.  It's okay, it's okay, you won't even have a bruise.  Oh, wait, the skin is kind of puffing up.  Oh, but you can cover that with makeup, you aren't bleeding or anything.  Oh wait, did it?  Oh, yep...it broke the skin.  You're bleeding.  Does anyone have a napkin?!"  Obviously it was a huge ordeal and obviously we were all laughing (C included) because it was so ridiculous.  But, apparently acorns are one of the symbols for Vandy (I have no clue...I'm not rich enough to go there) so we all said she had been blessed by the Vanderbilt Gods since it was Homecoming.  What that means, we have no idea?  But we felt like it might help slow the bleeding.

"Yes, I went as a big, blue hairy teat for Halloween."
Sunday was kind of the jackpot day for quotes because a.) it was five girls in close quarters with one another for hours and b.) it was yesterday so I can remember them better.  We decided to go on a Fall Day outing...but it actually only lasted an hour.  But we still had a great time.  On the way to the pumpkin patch everyone was sharing their stories from the night before because we had all been split up.  J has gone as Cookie Monster for a few years and chose to do that again this year.  Apparently some guy was saying her Cookie Monster eyes looked like boobs and she wanted to retort, "Yes, I went as a big, blue hairy teat for Halloween" but didn't think of that until she was in the car with us.  That got the exploding laugh from everyone in the car and we couldn't stop.  Just five girls, a really nice car, and our humor to keep us going on the long trip to Franklin. 

"That looks good."
J and M were driver and shotgun with M doing the navigation.  We see a sign for the pumpkin patch we are travelling to and J asks M if that's it.  I'm not even sure if M looked up from her phone, but she said, "That looks good."  Well, turns out it wasn't good because it was just a sign saying the p-patch was up ahead.  Deceiving pumpkins.  After our long stay at the pumpkin patch (20 minutes....complete with J putting pumpkins up to her chest and me raiding the pumpkins in the display area because obviously they are the nicest looking ones) we decided in order to have an authentic Fall Day we needed apple cider, so we decided to head to this quaint little coffee shop no one knows about.  Perhaps if you're an insider you're aware of it:  Starbucks.  We get to Starbucks and they are out. of. apple. juice.  Despondent to discover we will not be having hot apple cider, M makes the genius discovery that they are selling juice boxes of apple juice in the pastry counter, so we decide to buy the juice boxes to supply apple juice for our cider.  Pretty genius, if you ask me.  And suuuuper tasty.

"Pie is too aggressive.  Bring the whipped cream."
So back to J's we went for chili, salad, and cornbread and a dessert our other friend was bringing.  We watched some football and then put in Magic Mike.  Some guy told me that was actually a really good movie about important social issus.  I didn't see that, but I did enjoy Channing Tatum's hip thrusts and abs.  I'm not going to go into the details of this quote, but it can't be too hard to figure out what we were discussing while we were watching very attractive men take their shirts off. 

I'm sure I've left out a lot but I can't remember any more at this moment in time.  I'm lucky to have such funny people in my life that cheer and form email chains when good things happen and rally around you when bad things come your way.  I will leave you with this quote of the week last week:

"It's like, just when you think someone is gone, they come back.  I imagine this is what herpes is like."

No Text November

So I have decided that instead of No Shave November (which is gross and I have never participated in anyways), I am going to celebrate No Text November.  It’s a holiday (probably) of my creation and I think it’s a pretty good idea.  You wouldn’t know it by the amount I do it, but I loathe texting.  Well, let me clarify:  I loathe texting conversations.  If you have a funny story that can be said in 140 letters or less, sure, text it to me.  If you are on a really bad date and need an exit strategy, then by all means, text me.  I just feel like if you want to have an actual conversation with someone, you should exercise the other main function your phone has and actually call a person.  See those numbers on the letter buttons?  They are there for a reason.

I’m a big fan of talking on the phone, probably because many of my closest friends are scattered around the US in Boston, Chicago, Denver, Louisville, and maybe Minneapolis and Atlanta soon.  The best way to keep in touch is over the phone.  Sure, S in Denver will send me texts when she sees teenagers basically getting to home plate on the lightening rail.  And sure, L in Chicago will send me texts when something amazing happens on any of the Real Housewives franchises.  But for the most part, when we want to actually talk, we call eachother.  I told my friend C here in Nashville that one of my favorite things about her is that she’ll actually pick up the phone and call me when she has something to talk about.

I’m also a big fan of talking in person.  It’s so hard to interpret text messages sometimes because you don’t know the tone the other person is taking.  I like to tease people, but sometimes my playful sarcasm doesn’t translate well over text and I look like a bitch.  Which, I am one, but I look like an even bigger one when I text.  So, instead of trying to decipher what someone really means when they are talking about something, go grab coffee.  Or go for a walk.  Or come over.  Excuse the cat hair on the couch in advance. 

Texting is also distracting.  I have trouble walking and chewing gum at the same time, much less trying to multi-task by watching American Horror Story and carrying on a text conversation.  Just the other night I was texting with a friend while watching the newest episode and almost screamed when I looked back up at the tv screen from my phone and saw the scary exorcism kid.  If I had been paying attention to the show I wouldn’t have been frightened.  Plus, so much shit goes on in every episode I had to watch it again yesterday because I missed so much while I was texting.  Not texting all the time is going to save me a ton of time.

So, while I am taking my texting hiatus, please see the below methods in which you can get ahold of me:

Phone

Already been explained. 

Email

Much bigger than a phone screen so you can fit in more detail.  Everybody wins!

Gchat

I cannot remember life before gchat.

Facebook Post or Message

I should probably cut this off too if I really think about it, but you all know how much I post on Facebook.  This would be almost impossible.

Mail

Okay, this is probably one you are not going to want to use because I never check it.

Owl

I wish.

Am I saying I’m not going to text at all in November?  No.  If I say something funny and want to share it, I’m going to text.  If someone asks me a question, I’m not going to ignore them.  But I am going to make a conscious effort that when I communicate with people, I’m going to pick up the phone and call them. 

Reach out and touch someone, as they say.

As long as they are legal, consenting adults, that is. 

Cheers, and Happy Friday!

10 Defining Moments in My Life, Complete With Outfits

Like most women, I love clothes.  I hate shopping, but I love clothes.  My idea of shopping is to order stuff online, try it on at home, keep what I want, and mail the rest back.  It’s the lazy guide to shopping.  Someone brings it to your door, you get to try things on in the comfort of your own home with a root beer, and then I go to the post office at work and mail back what I don’t want.  Easy peasy. 

So, below I have listed 10 outfits that defined my life.  Okay, maybe not defined, but I at least remember them and associate them with some event in my life. 

1.       The bell dress.  No, it wasn’t a dress in the shape of a bell, it was literally a dress with a bell on it.  Except the bell was hidden.  See, my mom would sew bells on all of my dresses when I was little so she could hear where I was in the house.  Which was a genius idea, until I wanted to show a boy at church the bell and lifted up my skirt in front of the church picnic when I was 2.  Pretty sure the bells went away after that.

2.        Windsuits.  Remember those bad boys?  That was pretty much my uniform from age 2-11 because I didn’t like jeans.  Not sure why they were called wind suits…maybe because on windy days it looked like you were wearing a colorful trash bag because the fabric blew around so much.  No windsuit is complete without the matching scrunchie.  I had a drawer full of hairbows and scrunchies so rest assured, whatever color windsuit my mom bought me, I had a matching head accessory.  Burnt orange?  Yep.  Jungle green?  Oh yeah.  Coffee & Cream Brown?  Check.  A girl has to be prepared at all times.

3.       First Grade School Picture dress.  I have to say, I was a cute kid.  Not sure what happened.  In first grade I was missing my top four front teeth.  So my smile is huge and so is the hole in my mouth.  I was so excited to have my first school picture taken.  My bangs were curled extra high, my dress swished when I walked, and my hairbow totally matched.  I was ready for my close up.

4.       Ariel costume.  See?  I always knew I wanted to be a redhead.  The year The Little Mermaid came out I wanted to be Ariel for Halloween.  Trouble was, that Halloween it was like 27 degrees outside.  So my mom piled layers of warm clothes underneath my costume and I so did not look like a mermaid.  I looked like a sumo suit version of The Little Mermaid.  Eric would not have been into me at all.  My friend H went as Ariel too and I was so jealous that her mom let her put red glitter in her hair.  Susan vetoed that one real quick.  Now I think glitter is the herpes of craft supplies, but at age 7, glitter was a huge deal.

5.       Santa hat shirt.  So this shirt holds a special memory, but it’s a sad one.  It was green and it had Santa’s face on it and at the tip of the hat there was a big, fuzzy, white cotton ball.  I was 8.  I wore it for Christmas and I have it on in the last picture the two of us took together.  The next day she had a heart attack and was in the hospital until she passed away in February.  That picture hangs in my bedroom and every time I look at it I am reminded that even though I only had her for eight years, I had the best grandmother a child could want.

6.       First Abercrombie & Fitch shirt.  Remember when that was the thing?  Everyone in my school had one.  I was probably one of the last people to get into that trend.  (I also pronounced it

Ay-bercrombie, once again, showing how cool I was NOT.)  I finally got one and it had the words Abercrombie & Fitch in HUGE letters.  Obviously, I didn’t want there to be any confusion as to what store with extremely loud music that smells like it took a bath in cologne I had been shopping at.  Remember when they made those shirts with the double entendres?  I remember this one guy in my freshman year English class had this shirt that said ‘Liquor in the front and poke her in the back.’  It took me about six months of staring at it for me to finally realize what it was really saying.  I was a sheltered child.

7.       Senior prom dress.  I have already mentioned the dress on this blog, but my dress was badass.  It fit me perfectly, I felt great in it, and I thought I had never looked prettier.  Much like I imagine a bride feels like on her wedding day.  It was white too, also like a wedding dress.  Not like a wedding dress, however, were the cutouts that prevented me from wearing underwear.  So I guess it could be a slutty wedding dress.  I could be down with a slutty wedding dress.

8.       ‘All I Want for My Birthday is a Hug From John Wall’ tshirt.  My 24^th birthday was amazing.  The UK/UT game was on my birthday that year, it was on a Saturday, my friend B came with me, College Gameday was there, and John Wall/Demarcus Cousins/John Calipari were the best things to happen to Kentucky basketball since sliced bread.  (Side note, was sliced bread really that big of a deal when it came out?  I really want to know this.)  My friend B and I were going to the game and my friend L made me the most amazing shirt that said “All I Want for my Birthday is a Hug from John Wall’ on the front, and then on the back said ‘Or Cousins, or Bledsoe, or Patterson…etc.) I didn’t get my hug, but it’s still one of the best days of my life.  We beat UT, which is the team I despise above all others, I got to be in Rupp, and I got to be surrounded by 24,000 of my closest friends on my birthday.  What more could a girl ask for?...besides a hug from John Wall.

9.       Yellow sweater.  Another sad one.  This was the sweater I wore to my grandfather’s funeral.  Yellow is my favorite color and my mom said I should wear it because he would have liked it.  My grandfather’s funeral was very small, just close family and my best friend, who was basically his other granddaughter.  We had the traditional military funeral for him and I was presented the flag that was on his casket, which is in my living room, right next to the red and black garter we found in his drawer when we were cleaning out his room.  Where he got that and why he had it, I will never know.  But it was such a Daddy Cliff thing to have.  God, I miss that man.

10.   Green & black sheath dress.  This was the dress I was wearing the day I interviewed for my current job.  I was super nervous.  I’d already been through one interview with HR, but this was the one where my boss would actually interview me.  When I left I had no idea how it had gone.  But, apparently he didn’t let the fact that he supports the lowdown, dirty snitches in Knoxville and I support the majestic Big Blue get in the way and he hired me!  I love my job and I think my boss is great.  We even have bets placed on all of the UK/UT games this year.  If I win (which I expect to) he owes me a root beer and if he wins (let’s be honest….he’s going to win the football bet) I have to give him a Diet Mountain Dew.  So now, whenever I have a big presentation at work or an important meeting, I wear that dress.  I figure it has good juju, so I should just go with it!

 

Okay, so there’s my life in 10 outfits.  Going to be honest.  I googled ‘blog topic ideas’ because I was itching to write but couldn’t think of anything to write about.  Well, that’s not true.  I can think of plenty of things to write about…they just aren’t super blog appropriate.  Until next time…

The Five People You Meet on a Saturday Night in Nashville...Part Deux

Whew, over 1000 pageviews...crazy.  I hope that means that some of you out there actually enjoy what I write and that I don't have some sort of crazy stalker that does nothing but refresh this blog all the time.  So to those of you who enjoy what I write, thank you.  And to the stalker...are you single?  Kidding.

Okay, so now that I have been thinking about it, I left a few people off the original post, so I thought I would add five more people you typically see in Nashville on a Saturday night.  Since it's about 2:15 a.m. on Saturday/Sunday, I have fresh material.  So buckle in, sip on some coffee, and enjoy!

1.)  The girl who plays "mom"...better known as the c***blocker.  This is the girl in the group (usually the one with the least alcohol in their bloodstream) that decides they are on a mission to save their girlfriends from hooking up that night.  She is fiercely protective of her posse, much like a doberman with curls.  If she sees her friend being escorted out of a bar by a stranger, she has no problem knocking into people and spilling a few drinks to prevent her friend from making a mistake.  Most of the time, they should just let their friends go on their merry ways and mind their own business.  But, every once in a while, the c***block is needed.  The best example I have ever seen happened last year at my friend S's birthday.  This guy kept trying to kiss S and she was completely oblivious.  My friend K and I didn't like this guy, and knew S didn't either, so when we saw him go in for the kill once again K yelled "SW SHOTS!" S turned her head just in time and met us at the bar.  The guy just stood there, quite bewildered.  The difference in this situation is that we knew beforehand she didn't want anything to happen with this guy and we were prepared.  We were genuinely trying to help our friend, and not just blocking a friend from making out with someone for a while.  Because you know, the "mom" is probably just jealous she has to go home by herself.

2.) The person who does not want to be there.
I've been this person several times.  You have to be in a certain mindset to enjoy the downtown honkey tonks and if you're not there, you're not going to get there.  It's best to just go home.  You can recognize this person by seeing how much time they spend on their phone, the disgusted/superior looks they give to everyone at the bar, and the circle of space other bar patrons give them.  No one wants to stand next to a negative Nancy.  If this is you, just leave.  Or don't go out in the first place if you know you're not going to have fun.  Do what my friend C and I do:  go to Sunset Grille and get nachos.  You will be a much happier person for it.

3.)  The way overdressed girl.
Whoa, did we see one tonight.  I was at a house party/pregame with C and this girl walked in.  Skintight, short black dress (I'm not the thinnest person in the world, but at least I know what size clothes I wear.  This girl obviously did not), hair curled into intricate waves that you know she spent a ton of time on, black stiletto heels (really?  really?  You know those things are NOT comfortable no matter how many times you try and tell yourself that) and lots of makeup.  C's reaction was, "Well, that was a choice."  Mine was to call her The Playmate the rest of the night.  Yes honey, everyone is looking at you, and I know that was your goal, but maybe you should re-think that.  Having everyone stare at you is not always a good thing.

4.)  The Token Hipster
We saw this guy tonight too.  We walked into the house party (where most people were dressed in the school colors of the college they support or comfortable dresses and cowboy boots) and then you had the one guy in girl's jeans, sneakers, with strategically tousled hair.  One of these things is not like the other.  You wonder how this person fits in with everyone else.  Is he trying to stand out from the crowd?  Or did he just buy real estate in the wrong part of town and now he's too far from his people in East Nashville?  It's a mystery.

5.)  The Northface guy
You know you've seen him.  Even though he's inside, in a house or crowded bar, he is still wearing his damn Northface, completey zipped up.  Um, it's freaking HOT.  Take off your damn jacket!  You probably have on a polo with your collar popped underneath, and that's okay.  Or maybe even your fraternity letters.  Again, that's totally okay.  But good God, when you are in a bar at 1 a.m. and have been dancing and drinking for hours and you're sweating profusely, you would be doing yourself a huge favor to just take the damn coat off.  Most people have them.  They are no longer status symbols.  Plus, you have to wash them the next day because they smell like stale smoke, the tator tots you ate before you hopped in the cab, and disappointment.  Ew.

Okay all, hope you enjoyed the second installment.  Maybe there will be a third...it just depends who I see out next!

Great Expectations

Happy Friday evening all!

I'm pretty sure your evening is way more exciting than mine, but I am completely okay with that statement.  It's been a hell of a week and I am super excited to be at home, by myself, with a glass of wine (well, technically I'm still drinking root beer, but I expect the wine to be opened at some point), my favorite pajamas, and week's worth of DVR.  I may or may not have told a coworker today that I "had a hot date with my cat tonight" when they asked about my weekend plans.  Cue the strange look, and then the head shake of pity.  I would have done the same thing if someone said that to me. 

I randomly ran into a woman from my hometown the other day while visiting someone in the hospital.  She asked what I was doing with my life so I explained what I do for a living and what I've been up to in the 12 years since she's seen me.  She said something to the effect of, "Oh, I always figured you'd become a doctor."  At the time it didn't strike me as odd, but the more I've thought about it, I guess I turned out differently than a lot of people expected...myself included.  Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy with my life and wouldn't take another path if I could.  But I started thinking about other expectations people have had of me and how I went in a complete other direction.  So enjoy five examples below.

"Oh, I always figured you'd become a doctor."
Why?  I hate math and I hate science.  In fact(from weknowmemes.com)
Okay, I"m not that passionate about my dislike for science, but you get the idea.  I've never been particularly good at math or science and I'm an incredibly shallow person that only likes doing things I'm good at.   And yet, I now work for the state agency that collects all of the taxes.  Funny how things work out like that.

"You'll be the first one of us to get married."
This was said to me by one of my four suitemates freshman year of college.  At that time, I could totally see it.  I had started dating D and thought okay, this is going perfectly to plan.  We'll date all through college, get engaged my senior year, get married after I graduate, and we'll have twins (a boy and a girl) when I'm 26.  Guess who is the only one not married?  Not that I mind.  I'm not really sure I believe in marriage and would be fine just dating someone for forever.  Plus, I think it would be really entertaining to see the looks on people's faces when I say I've been dating my boyfriend for 24 years.  I'd like to follow the Gene Simmons/Shannon Tweed way of life.  Except Gene ended up selling out and getting married.  He also cheated on her a couple of times.  Okay, so that was an awful example.  But I do have to say, they looked a hell of a lot happier on their tv show than most of the married people you see on reality tv. 

"I will never take a drink, smoke a cigarette, or do drugs in my life."
Well, two out of the three have been knocked out. I have no interest in taking drugs of any kind...I don't even like taking Tylenol if I can help it. I've smoked maybe four cigarettes in my whole life and didn't enjoy any of them. Smelling like a chimney just doesn't appeal to me, but if it's your thing, why yes, I will happily hold your drink while you light up. I didn't take my first drink until college (you may remember the 'I don't think I could ever be that thirsty' comment from a previous blog. I still want to facepalm ten years later) and I'm still not a huge drinker. One glass of wine with dinner and I'm usually good. Of course I've had a few 3:00 a.m. nights downtown (you haven't lived if you haven't had a few of those) but I could probably count those nights on two hands. I am too cheap to pay for a cab and I like sleeping in my own bed. So, I usually have my one old man drink (gin & tonic) and then offer to drive people home.

"You're the sweetest person I've ever met.  Never change!"
Um, have we really met?  That was written in my yearbook senior year of high school by several people.  I've changed a lot since high school (which sadly you can't say that of everyone in my hometown) and am pretty different than my 18 year old self, who rarely said a bad word about anyone.  My friend J said it perfectly a few weeks ago.  She told me, "You're really nice except you're...not.  Like you can be really sweet, but then you can be really funny and hateful at the same time."  The Favorite Redhead said I said should be a life coach of some sort because I can tell people they need to get their shit together, but it sounds better when it comes from me.  Those are two of the best compliments I've ever received.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a humongous bitch or anything (most of the time), but I have very little patience for idiots and overly emotional people.  I usually end up saying things like "Why should I be caring about this?" or "If you're looking for someone to tell you it's all going to be okay, you've gone to the wrong place," which usually confuses the idiots even further or makes the overly emotional people cry harder.  Oops.

"I refuse to sit next to the picture of Bill Clinton.  I'm a Republican!"
This was uttered by a young me when Bill Clinton beat George Bush (the more intelligent one) in the Presidential election way back when.  My desk in Mrs. Hammond's class was near a picture of the current president and I was so devastated when the Democrat won.  Because since my parents voted Republican, obviously I was a Republican.  Oh.  Hell.  No.  Now I look back and laugh.  Look, I'm not going to get all preachy like half of my friends on Facebook during election time, but I am definitely not a Republican.  I have no problem voting for one if I agree with them, but more often than not, I don't.  I'm more of a social issue voter.  Everyone has their issues that sway them in favor of one candidate or another, and gay/lesbian rights, women's rights, and abortion policies are mine.  I'm not the most liberal person you'll ever meet by any means, but let's just say, I won't be appearing in any of Mitt Romney's binders. 

Well, it's about time to wrap up this blog entry.  Law & Order: SVU, Criminal Minds, Nashville, Watch What Happens Live, Modern Family, American Horror Story, Covert Affairs, and Grey's Anatomy are waiting on me on my DVR.  I say I make it through half an episode of one show and then fall asleep on the couch.  Have a great weekend and don't do anything I wouldn't do!

The Wisdom of a Six Year Old

So, it's been a rough weekend, to say the least.  What started out wonderfully with the 30th Big Blue Madness (shout out to Matthew Mitchell and the Hammer Dance) definitely didn't stay that way.  I swear, I will think again before asking for a sign in the future.  It's like when they say don't pray for patience because God will give you a situation you will need to be patient in.  I was presented with a possible opportunity out of the blue, and was strongly considering it.  However, after this weekend, that is no longer an option.  A simple 'no' in a fortune cookie would have sufficed, though.

The weekend hasn't been all bad, don't get me wrong.  I had the opportunity to make a new friend.  Meet Grace:  she is 6 years old, has really thick glasses, super curly hair, and she is a little spit fire.  We had a lot of time to bond and I wanted to share some of our conversations.  She imparted her wisdom, made me laugh at times when I really needed it, and entertained me for hours.

Grace:  You look like Ginny Weasley.
Me:  That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Grace:  Do you have a boyfriend?
Me:  No.  Why?  Do you have a brother?
Grace:  No, but I have four boyfriends.  I guess I could give you one.  But not Jeremy.  He brings me cookies.  I love cookies.

Grace:  Do you have a job?
Me:  Yes.  I work for the Department of Revenue.  Basically, I help collect taxes.
Grace:  That sounds really boring.
Me:  It sounds that way, but it's not.  I get to deal with money everyday.
Grace:  Do you swim in it?
Me:  No.
Grace:  Well, you should.  I would.

Grace:  Do you have an email address?  We can be penpals.  I can text you too.  When I'm eight.  I can't get a phone until I'm eight.
Me:  I didn't have a cell phone until I was 18.
Grace:  Were your parents poor?

Grace:  Do you have a pet?  I have a dog.
Me:  Yes, I have a cat.
Grace:  I am 'lergic to cats.  I might be 'lergic to you too.  I should go sit over there.

Me:  What do you want to be when you grow up?
Grace:  I don't have to worry about that right now.  I don't want to get wrinkles.

Me:  (spilling coffee on myself) Oh shit.  (Looking at Grace) Don't tell your mother I said that.
Grace:  That's what Daddy says all the time.

10 Things I Miss From the 90s

This was written at approximately 3:47 a.m. this morning so excuse all typos and delirious sentences.

Sometimes, I really miss the 90s.  Not that I want to go back to being 7 years old (although I do miss my parents paying for everything) but it was a great time in history.  Ronald Reagan was out of office (some of you know I looooooathe Ronald Reagan.  R.I.P. though), the ozone layer improved due to the reduction of AquaNet hairspray since feathered bangs were going out of style, and I had all the Dunkaroos I could eat...which is probably why I was a fat kid.  But I was happy. 

So in honor of one of my favorite decades, here are the ten things I miss the most about the 90s.

1.)  Good Nickelodeon.  I'm talking shows like GUTS and Legends of the Hidden Temple.  Boy, I would have given my Barbie Dreamphone for a chance to be on GUTS and possibly get a piece of the Aggrocrag.  I always thought it was weird that the pieces of the Aggrocrag were green when it, in fact, was not green.  Minor detail.  I saw a piece on Ebay a few months ago and don't think I didn't consider buying it.  You could totally tell how a person was going to do based on what color they wore.  A guy wearing blue?  He had it in the bag.  Red won a decent amount of times, but it wasn't the slam dunk like the blue shirt.  If you were wearing purple, the producers obviously didn't have much faith in you.  And if you were a girl wearing purple?  Might as well hand you the bronze medal before you even lace up your shoes.  You didn't stand a chance.  My favorite, however, was Legends of the Hidden Temple.  Kurt (Kirk?) Fogg must have hated his life.  Talking to Olmec, the fake statue man and hanging around with kids in overly long khaki shorts had to get old after a while.  I always cheered for the Purple Parrots, but as with GUTS, the purple team was the team the producers never thought would win.  The Orange Iguanas and the Green Monkeys were the ones to beat.  I would get so frustrated when kids would get to The Shrine of the Silver Monkey and then they couldn't put the damn monkey statue together!  Of course the base goes on the podium first, not the head you idiot!  I screamed at my tv many a time.  I totally could have put that monkey together.

2.)  Saved By The Bell.  Time out.  You know you loved this show.  Every girl wanted to be Kelly Kapowski and every guy wanted to be Zack Morris.  I learned so much from this show, such as the dangers of caffeine pills.  Thank you, Jessie Spano.  The more you know...  But seriously...this was the greatest show on tv.  Remember Zack's cell phone?  It looked like a brick. 

3.)  Super Market Sweep.  Come on.  A show that made putting turkeys in your shopping cart a game?  Sign me up!  I would get so mad when people would grind the coffee for $100 and just stand there, not putting anything else in their cart.  I also wondered why people didn't just go to the medicine aisle and fill their carts with Motrin and Dimetapp.  That stuff is expensive!  Maybe they didn't have a drug aisle.  I always wondered if there was actually a turkey in the turkey package and what happened to those huge blocks of cheese after the show was over?  Did you get to keep your groceries?  Because if so, that makes me even more mad I was never a contestant.

4.)  Butterfinger BBs.  I didn't realize until this year they no longer make these delicacies.  I would eat them every Sunday afternoon at my grandparent's house while we watched Nickelodeon.  Please tell me how Almond Joy has survived but Butterfinger BBs did not?

5.)  Captain Planet.  I like to think of this show as the prelude to all of the organic vegan hipsters.  They probably use scripts from the show as their Bible.  But I loved it.  Linka was my favorite, though I thought she was dumb for not using her 'wind' ring to fly more often.  She tried it, like, once.  You are given a ring that can make you fly and yet you choose only to use it to blow your hair out of your face?  You are a terrible Planeteer. 

6.)  R. L. Stine books.  How did that town still have a population of high schoolers with all of the people that were killed off?

7.)  Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?  She was a wily bitch and she had an amazing trench coat.  Plus, she got to travel the world.  PBS...making education fun way before they made everyone wish they were British after watching Downton Abbey.

8.)  Rugrats.  REPTAR!  I loved that show.  I always imagined Lil and Chuckie would get married one day and have awkward ginger kids with squeaky voices. 

9.)  Clarissa Explains It All.  But really, she didn't.  She just wore lots of layered vests and moped a lot. 

10.)  Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Yes, this ended in the new millenium, but she started kicking ass and taking names in the 90s.  Buffy would have totally staked those Twilight fairy vampires.  She wouldn't put up with the brooding, you know?  Oh, you're having an emo moment...BAM!  Aaaand you're dead.  For real this time.

I miss a lot more things about the 90s but it's so late it's early and I need to try and sleep.  We'll see how that goes.  (Update:  IT DIDN'T.)