Okay. So you may be wondering why I am writing about weddings, since, if you've read this blog for a while, it doesn't seem like I like them very much. Oh contrare. I love weddings. I just don't really like marriage. Well...I 98.6271% don't like marriage. I'll never say I'll never get married, it will just take a very patient, strong, caring, wonderful man to make me change my mind, and I'm pretty sure he does not exist. But if he does, God help him if he has to put up with me for the rest of his life.
Anyway, back to weddings. I will be attending quite a few of them in 2013. And, for the first time, I can actually say I'm genuinely excited about each one of them. I have not been able to say that about all of the weddings I have attended in the past. I'm sure you've been to at least one wedding where you're like 'this is not going to work out.' You gripe and grumble about having a buy a gift for the couple that you know they're just going to be dividing up in the divorce agreement in a few years. Or months. Or days, if it's a Kardashian wedding...zing! Yes, I went there.
So below are my thoughts and observations about the wedding process, as told from the perspective of a guest. Enjoy. Or not.
The Viewing of the Rock
He liked it, so he put a ring on it. I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better, I cringed a bit when I wrote that. Now, I am not one of those people that get annoyed when girls post pictures of their ring on Facebook, or any other social media outlet. I figure, if you earned it, show it off! I'd much rather look at a pretty piece of jewelry than read yet another post about someone's kid finally going 'peepee in the potty.' Now I have been told that because I'm not a parent I don't understand, but fortheloveofPeterandPaulandMaryandJosephandHabbakuk I don't think I'll ever be okay with hearing about other's people's spawn's bathroom habits, even if I have a brood of my own one day. It's gross. I also like seeing the ring because I'm a girl and I like to judge. It's what we do. Is it too big or too small or just right? Is it ugly? Would I want a ring like that? Most girls probably go through this mental process when viewing engagement rings. And if they say they don't, they are liars. I like hearing the proposal story too. The guy's perspective is my favorite. I can't imagine how nervewracking it is to propose to a girl. But then I remember that the proposal usually leads to the girl carrying children, going through the actual childbirth, and having to lose pregnancy weight, and I no longer feel compassion for the guy.
The Engagement Party
The first of many celebrations for the happy couple. Even though I normally have a heart of ice, I love seeing people I love happy. Free champagne is also an occassional benefit of the Engagement Party. Try and get a female server at the restaurant with an engagement ring on her finger. You are much more likely to get free stuff if the person serving it to you is happily engaged as well. Avoid divorced women servers if possible. I enjoy Engagement Parties because of the toasts as well. Some people are really good at them and other are...not. But the good ones are usually funny or make the bride-to-be cry. Or involved jazz hands. The groom just sits there still looking relieved she said yes.
The Buying of the Gifts
That chicken dinner and open bar at the wedding come at a price. You have to shower the couple with gifts in order to earn them. Well, you don't have to, but you come off as cheap if you don't, so you'd better just whip out that credit card and suck it up. Now, depending on how well you know the couple, you may spend a lot of money or not very much. For example, if the wedding is for a sorority sister you haven't seen in four years, she's probably getting towels. Which is fine because everyone needs towels. If the couple is a good friend of yours, they're getting the waffle iron, equally because you love them and because you hope to be invited over for breakfast or brunch at some point where the waffle iron will be used. Here's one of the big things I don't understand about weddings: why the hell would you ever buy a couple something that is not on their registry!?!? They literally spell out for you what they want. You can buy online and have it shipped to them or go to the store. It's not a hard concept. I went to a wedding shower for my best friend a few years ago and was appalled at all of the absolute shit she got that she didn't ask for. How many 'God Bless This House' plaques does one couple need? Answer: NONE. Because she didn't register for any.
The Wedding Showers
Some are fun. Some are lame. Some are way lame. But, showers are a great way for your friend groups to meet before the wedding. Your high school gal pals get to meet your after college friends and that makes the reception even more fun. Don't play games surrounding who knows the bride the best, however. The bride's friendship is not a competition. You don't want to be like Kristin Wiig in 'Bridesmaids', trying to prove that you're the bride's BFF&E&E&E&E. Plus, creative cocktails are usually served and I, for one, am a fan of creative cocktails.
The Bachelorette Party
Now this is where it starts to get good, folks. The bride gets lots of lingerie that will make both her and the groom quite happy and then a fun night out on the town is had by all. Everyone gets to dress up and act like idiots, and it's socially acceptable behavior for a night. Travel is also usually involved, so that's exciting. For example, I will be going to New Orleans for the first time in May to celebrate The Favorite Redhead's Bachelorette Party. I get to go to a new city and I get to celebrate one of my best friends...what's not to love. *Spoiler: she's definitely getting a waffle iron. If she wants one. Maybe a chicken nugget maker would be more appropriate? The Favorite Redhead's fiancee would love that.
The Actual Wedding
So the big day has arrived. The bride walks down the aisle, looking like the most beautiful girl on the planet, and the groom thanks his lucky stars, once again, that she said yes. And probably wonders why she did. The audience claps, the couple kiss, and it's time to get the party started.
Now in the choose-your-own-adventure-book that is a wedding, there are several routes you can go down. You can a.) go home after the wedding, b.) be the first person in the reception area so you can scope out all of the potential candidates that might end up being you self-validating one night stand, c.) take a moment to reflect on your own wedding, or d.) drink. Let's discuss our options.
A.) Don't do this. The reception is the best part. You are lame if you do this.
B.) A pretty good option. Now when I say one night stand, you don't actually have to sleep with them. You can just flirt and dance and for a night, imagine your lives together and the stories you'd tell your fictional children about the magical night you and daddy met. If you're going to a wedding where there are lots of single girls it's important to stake your claim early and fiercely. Sure most of the people at the reception are your friends, but if you call dibs on the tall guy with green eyes and the well-fitting gray suit, all of those bitches better back up and find their own. If your pick is not responsive or not in fact single, worry not. There are plenty of others there that will pretend to like you for a night in the hopes that they might get a little under-the-bridesmaid's dress action. Just stand back, survey your surroundings, and pick another option. And for God's sake, stay away from the bar. No one wants a drunk, single, most likely reeking of desperation girl hanging off of them, whining about how she didn't catch the bouquet.
C.) If you are married, you might take time during the reception to reminisce about your own blessed nuptuals. Don't. Especially if the other people at the table were at your wedding. While you might have fond memories of the day you married the other half of your soul, most likely those that attended wish they could forget the scorching hot summer day you made them sit through outside and the fact that you were cheap and only had Natty Lite and Boone's Farm at the bar.
D.) Well, this is the option a lot of people take and probably shouldn't. Look, your friends are not responsible for being your unlimited bar tab for the evening. And if the girl's parents paid for the open bar, they surely don't want to spend the night wondering how many people are going to have to be treated for alcohol poisoning because of their generosity. Just because it's free does not mean it has to be consumed. But if you do take this route, at least be the fun drunk and not the kind of drunk that cries, dances with old Aunt Heloise and dislocates her hip, or the kind that gets belligerantly upset when they get a piece of the groom's cake when they wanted the bride's cake.
And speaking of cake, I don't care how pretty cake with fondant bows and stars can be. It tastes like shit.
So as wedding season approaches, enjoy it all. And buy good presents. Because if you're not married now and give a couple a shitty wedding present, they will remember. And you'll probably end up with a lot of decorative God Bless This Home/I Enjoy Cooking With Wine But I Like Drinking It Better/Etc. plaques. And nobody wants that.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
30 Days & 30 Nights
Discipline.
Something I don't have very much of.
Something I need to learn.
Is that a haiku? I have no idea how many syllables those lines have or how many it takes to be an actual haiku. I'm no poet.
I am also easily side-tracked from blog topics. Anyways, so I am doing a self-imposed 30 day challenge. It's not a New Year's Resolution, persay, it just happens to coincide with the new year. I started January 2nd and will be done January 31st. What does this challenge entail, you may ask? Or maybe you don't care. If that's the case, tis best to stop reading now. Well, for thirty days I am consuming no alcohol, no fast food, and I'm working out everyday. A lot of people have said this is overly ambitious, but I'm on Day 14 and so far it's been pretty easy. I still can't really stand the smell of alcohol after Key West (damned Fireball shots...shudder), I need to save money for all of these bachelorette parties/weddings/baby showers I'll be attending in 2013, and who doesn't need to work out?
It also helps to have three goals because you don't feel so bad if you only meet 2 out of the 3 one day. Like last Thursday, the UK/Vandy heart attack of a basketball game. Between work, a necessary power nap, and the 8 p.m. tip off, I had no time to make it to the gym. I thought I'd do yoga when I got home, but thanks to a late night dinner at Sunset Grille (and quality time with my sorority big sister), I was too exhausted by the time I got home at 12:30 a.m. to do it. I would have fallen asleep in Tree pose, which would not have been good. But, I made up for it Saturday when I went to spin class and worked out with my friend H, who is a trainer at the Maryland Farms Y, all before noon...so I'm still at 14 workouts in 14 days. Who knew throwing a 10 lb medicine ball at the floor could work your triceps? And bonus, if you're in a bad mood, you can picture that you're throwing it at someone's face, which intensifies your workout. Not that I've ever done that. Wink.
Why am I doing this, you may ask? Or again, you may not. But if not, why are you still reading at this point? Well, simple answer is, I want to get skinny again. There's this dress I'd really like to wear to the Favorite Redhead's wedding in August and I need some work to fit in it. Plus, I'd just really like to get my self confidence back. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not down on myself. I know I have a lot of good qualities. First of all, I'm really nice (if I like you.) I am a really great friend (again, if I like you and you'll actually allow me to be one). And I'm hilarious. (As evidenced by the gift I brought to C's gag gift party this past weekend: whipped cream and a pack of condoms. To which my checkout clerk said, "You have a good night, now" when I left Walgreens that night. I guess that's the reaction you get when all you buy are those two items.) But let's be realistic...there are two girls standing next to eachother at a bar. One is skinny and doesn't say much and the other is bigger but makes you laugh. Which one are you going to try and get a phone number from? 9 out of 10 straight men would say the skinny one, and the one lone guy that would say the other one is just trying to make you feel better.
One of my pet peeves is when people complain about something but don't do anything about it. Well, I've finally decided to do something about it. I was in a really bad place for about a year and a half and it took me a while to snap out of it and be happy again. And you know what? Being happy is a hell of a lot more fun. So, I'm doing things that make me happy and make me feel good. I surround myself with people I want to spend time with and don't bother with those that don't. And working out makes me happy...I feel better than I have in a long time and I'm SLEEPING BETTER!!!!!!!! Now normally I'm not a fan of the all-caps feature, but that deserves to be shouted. I'm only exhausted 50% of the time now which, for me, is a huge improvement. I thought about doing the challenge for 40 days and 40 nights, but my birthday party is during that time period and I doubt I'll want to work out that day, abstain from bad food, and chances are I'll have a gin & tonic (or three) Just no Fireball shots.
I'm also doing something that even at 28 (okay, 27.11, but I'll be 28 when I do it) I'm still scared my mother will kill me for: I'm getting a tattoo. Yep. At 5:30 on my actual birthday I'm getting my first (and probably only) tattoo. It's something that means something to me and I've been thinking about it for over a year, so obviously I want it. And it'll be in a spot where people will only see it if I want them to. And no, it's not on my ass, which is what I've been asked several times. It'll be on my ribcage so the only people who see it will be people I am in a bathing suit around or people lucky enough to see me with my shirt off. Which there aren't many of. Maybe when I'm skinny again that will change, but I don't want to be slutty so probably not. I do still have some standards.
So, 14 down and 16 more to go. I know I can do this, and I'm pretty proud of myself. Maybe I'll do another one after my birthday gets over with...or maybe a 60 days one! Yeah, I'm not that ambitious, but I didn't think I could do 30 days, so we shall see.
Till next time, readers...
Something I don't have very much of.
Something I need to learn.
Is that a haiku? I have no idea how many syllables those lines have or how many it takes to be an actual haiku. I'm no poet.
I am also easily side-tracked from blog topics. Anyways, so I am doing a self-imposed 30 day challenge. It's not a New Year's Resolution, persay, it just happens to coincide with the new year. I started January 2nd and will be done January 31st. What does this challenge entail, you may ask? Or maybe you don't care. If that's the case, tis best to stop reading now. Well, for thirty days I am consuming no alcohol, no fast food, and I'm working out everyday. A lot of people have said this is overly ambitious, but I'm on Day 14 and so far it's been pretty easy. I still can't really stand the smell of alcohol after Key West (damned Fireball shots...shudder), I need to save money for all of these bachelorette parties/weddings/baby showers I'll be attending in 2013, and who doesn't need to work out?
It also helps to have three goals because you don't feel so bad if you only meet 2 out of the 3 one day. Like last Thursday, the UK/Vandy heart attack of a basketball game. Between work, a necessary power nap, and the 8 p.m. tip off, I had no time to make it to the gym. I thought I'd do yoga when I got home, but thanks to a late night dinner at Sunset Grille (and quality time with my sorority big sister), I was too exhausted by the time I got home at 12:30 a.m. to do it. I would have fallen asleep in Tree pose, which would not have been good. But, I made up for it Saturday when I went to spin class and worked out with my friend H, who is a trainer at the Maryland Farms Y, all before noon...so I'm still at 14 workouts in 14 days. Who knew throwing a 10 lb medicine ball at the floor could work your triceps? And bonus, if you're in a bad mood, you can picture that you're throwing it at someone's face, which intensifies your workout. Not that I've ever done that. Wink.
Why am I doing this, you may ask? Or again, you may not. But if not, why are you still reading at this point? Well, simple answer is, I want to get skinny again. There's this dress I'd really like to wear to the Favorite Redhead's wedding in August and I need some work to fit in it. Plus, I'd just really like to get my self confidence back. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not down on myself. I know I have a lot of good qualities. First of all, I'm really nice (if I like you.) I am a really great friend (again, if I like you and you'll actually allow me to be one). And I'm hilarious. (As evidenced by the gift I brought to C's gag gift party this past weekend: whipped cream and a pack of condoms. To which my checkout clerk said, "You have a good night, now" when I left Walgreens that night. I guess that's the reaction you get when all you buy are those two items.) But let's be realistic...there are two girls standing next to eachother at a bar. One is skinny and doesn't say much and the other is bigger but makes you laugh. Which one are you going to try and get a phone number from? 9 out of 10 straight men would say the skinny one, and the one lone guy that would say the other one is just trying to make you feel better.
One of my pet peeves is when people complain about something but don't do anything about it. Well, I've finally decided to do something about it. I was in a really bad place for about a year and a half and it took me a while to snap out of it and be happy again. And you know what? Being happy is a hell of a lot more fun. So, I'm doing things that make me happy and make me feel good. I surround myself with people I want to spend time with and don't bother with those that don't. And working out makes me happy...I feel better than I have in a long time and I'm SLEEPING BETTER!!!!!!!! Now normally I'm not a fan of the all-caps feature, but that deserves to be shouted. I'm only exhausted 50% of the time now which, for me, is a huge improvement. I thought about doing the challenge for 40 days and 40 nights, but my birthday party is during that time period and I doubt I'll want to work out that day, abstain from bad food, and chances are I'll have a gin & tonic (or three) Just no Fireball shots.
I'm also doing something that even at 28 (okay, 27.11, but I'll be 28 when I do it) I'm still scared my mother will kill me for: I'm getting a tattoo. Yep. At 5:30 on my actual birthday I'm getting my first (and probably only) tattoo. It's something that means something to me and I've been thinking about it for over a year, so obviously I want it. And it'll be in a spot where people will only see it if I want them to. And no, it's not on my ass, which is what I've been asked several times. It'll be on my ribcage so the only people who see it will be people I am in a bathing suit around or people lucky enough to see me with my shirt off. Which there aren't many of. Maybe when I'm skinny again that will change, but I don't want to be slutty so probably not. I do still have some standards.
So, 14 down and 16 more to go. I know I can do this, and I'm pretty proud of myself. Maybe I'll do another one after my birthday gets over with...or maybe a 60 days one! Yeah, I'm not that ambitious, but I didn't think I could do 30 days, so we shall see.
Till next time, readers...
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
The Freebie Five
I have heard this list called different things but Freebie Five is my favorite. The Freebie Five is a list of five people that your spouse/significant other is supposed to allow you to sleep with, should you ever get the chance. Now, the list has rules. First of all, it needs to be pretty unrealistic. Like, the list needs to consist of people you will likely never meet, like a movie star or a famous author (what, no one else is attracted to authors?) It can't be Simon P. down the hall in Legal (Simon P. is totally made up, fyi) because you actually see him everyday. And you might be tempted to find out how sturdy those new toothpick-like desks really are. No, the people on your list must be virtually unattainable, so in the off chance you actually do get invited to spend some "quality time" with them, your significant other just has to chalk it up to fate and go with it.
Below are my Freebie Five and explanations for each (although several don't really even need an explanation.) And below that is who I think should be on the Freebie Five list for guys. Enjoy.
My Freebie Five
1.) Ryan Gosling.
Is this really a surprise to anyone reading this blog? He's not even they typical guy I go for. I've only dated one blonde guy and that was a huge mistake. But, it's a risk I'd be willing to take for Gosling. Except one of the rules of the Freebie Five list is that it's ONO...one night only. Or one 30 minute time period only. Whatever. Everyone goes at their own pace. But seriously...he has a good body but isn't overly muscular, his crooked smile promises mischief and quick wit, and those eyes...shiver. Plus, he has chemistry with almost all of his leading ladies (well I assume he does...I actually haven't watched a lot of the movies he's been in because I don't like chick movies) so it makes me feel safe in the assumption he'd have chemistry with me. Plus, rumor is he turned down People's Sexiest Man Alive last year. Good looks, humility, and he loves dogs? Um, is there really any further explanation needed?
2.) Jon Bon Jovi.
I thought Jon would always be my number one until my affinity (re: obsession) for Ryan Gosling began to flourish. Damn those Hey Girl memes. Anyway, Jon is approaching 50 yet he still looks just as good in those tight pants as he did before I was born. That was an odd sentence to type. Usually I'm not too high up on tight pants on the lads, but mainly because I live in Nashville and all of the hipsters wear skintight girls' jeans in smaller sizes than I do. Note to hipster boys, if you wear a smaller size pants than a girl, the chance of getting into her real pants decreases immensely. Jon is also an entertainer, so that makes me think he's a people pleaser. Usually that's my role. I like to do things to make people happy. So it would be nice to have a night of Jon Bon Jovi going out of his way to make me happy. Although the fact that my cat is named Bon Jovi would make things a liiiiittle awkward. Oh well. We'd just either have to go to Jon's hotel or BJcat would need to go visit someone else for the night.
3.) Matthew Gray Gubler.
A lot of you may not know who this is. He's the nerdy guy (yet way to good looking to be an actual nerd) on CBS's Criminal Minds. It also shouldn't surprise anyone on here that I'm a sucker for nerds...mainly because I am one. And the best part is that he's a nerd in real life too. We could discuss the ins and outs of Harry Potter's invisibility cloak, toast eachother with butterbeer, and then create our own magic for the rest of the night...which of course, involveds testing the latest Weasley Wizard Wheezes and spying on people with the Marauder's Map. In case you're reading, mom. But I think I would enjoy talking to him most of all. I love talking with intelligent people. Or even just passionate people. They always have the best conversations. And that's the main purpose of a Freebie Five night, right?
4.) Gabriel Macht a.k.a. Harvey Spector.
The hottest fake Manhattan lawyer alive, Harvey Spector knocks his opponents for a loop each week (during the Spring and Fall seasons) of USA Network's Suits. Speaking of suits, I read a quote the other day that said something like a well tailored suit on a man is the equivalent of sexy lingerie on a woman. Damn right it is, and Harvey's suits are very well tailored. I bet if dude gained two pouds they'd have to re-do his whole wardrobe. There's just something about a suit that immediately makes a mediocre guy look at least four points better. Guys should wear suits out to the bars all the time. They'd take so many more girls home. Anyway, Gabriel/Harvey is more of my typical type: dark hair, a bit more rugged, and confident. Bordering on asshole. Sadly, my past interests have veered way too far toward the asshole end of the spectrum, but Gabriel/Harvey is just charming enough for me to overlook it for a night.
5.) Johnny Depp.
However, there's a stipulation to this one that you're going to think is pretty weird. He needs to be dressed in his Jack Sparrow costume. Because otherwise all of that man-bling he has been sporting lately is a huge turn-off. But, if he's in his pirate outfit, mumbling in that adorable/slightly intelligible British accent of his, I could definitely get down with that. If women have to dress in French Maid and Sexy Firefighter outfits to impress their man/lady for a night, then darn it, Johnny Depp can get in character for a few hours for me.
Women Who Should Be On Every Guy's Freebie Five List
1.) Mila Kunis.
And not just because some men's magazine named her the sexiest woman alive or whatever. She is hot. She's like girl next door hot, but you know once you actually go next door and get into her room she's even hotter. Plus, she's funny. We need more funny women in the world. I could totally get down with my future husband having a Freebie Five night with her. I'd almost be mad at him if he turned her down.
2.) Piper Perabo.
Many of you might remember her as the Coyote Ugly girl, but she's currently most well-known for her role as Annie Walker on Covert Affairs. I would be totally okay with my significant other having a night with her because I bet she'd slap him around a little, seeing as how she plays a super kick-ass spy. He might need someone to put him back in his place after getting the opportunity to spend the night with an incredibly attractive woman.
3.) Zoe Saldana.
I just think she's gorgeous. And she looks very graceful. Not that I think many men would care about this, but I think because of her more shy demeanor it would seem less sleazy that your man was stepping out on you for a night. Like if he went home with Pamela Anderson you'd be all like, "Ew. Get tested." But Zoe Saldana? You'd be like, "Aw, honey, (side note, I hate that pet name) did you have a good time? She seems like such a nice girl." A Freebie Five night and no guilt from the missus? Win and win.
4.) Scarlet Johanssen.
Again, because she's hot. And she's not as untainable hot as so many women out there. Girl has curves and she gives normal ladies hope that they too could look like her one day. She's also intelligent and athletic, so she could give both your mind and your body a workout. She could probably pin your guy in a chokehold (if she's channeling her Avengers role as Black Widow) but hey, he could totally be into that. And, she looks really good as a redhead. Bonus points.
5.) Sophia Vergara.
Again...and again...because she's hot. I mean, God does not give many people the figure she has been blessed with so gentlemen, if you get the chance, get on that...literally and figuratively. She's got that spicy Latin flair, an enormous amount of confidence, and likes to wear tight, yet tasteful clothing. Have at it.
I am sure people will disagree, mainly with the Freebie Five list for guys. But, it's my blog, so what I say goes. Enjoy your Wednesday, and start creating your own Freebie Five lists. It's important to have them and share them in advance with your partner so if the opportunity ever arises to actually fulfill a night with one of the people on your list, you don't have to explain the rules and you can just get down to business.
Below are my Freebie Five and explanations for each (although several don't really even need an explanation.) And below that is who I think should be on the Freebie Five list for guys. Enjoy.
My Freebie Five
1.) Ryan Gosling.
Is this really a surprise to anyone reading this blog? He's not even they typical guy I go for. I've only dated one blonde guy and that was a huge mistake. But, it's a risk I'd be willing to take for Gosling. Except one of the rules of the Freebie Five list is that it's ONO...one night only. Or one 30 minute time period only. Whatever. Everyone goes at their own pace. But seriously...he has a good body but isn't overly muscular, his crooked smile promises mischief and quick wit, and those eyes...shiver. Plus, he has chemistry with almost all of his leading ladies (well I assume he does...I actually haven't watched a lot of the movies he's been in because I don't like chick movies) so it makes me feel safe in the assumption he'd have chemistry with me. Plus, rumor is he turned down People's Sexiest Man Alive last year. Good looks, humility, and he loves dogs? Um, is there really any further explanation needed?
2.) Jon Bon Jovi.
I thought Jon would always be my number one until my affinity (re: obsession) for Ryan Gosling began to flourish. Damn those Hey Girl memes. Anyway, Jon is approaching 50 yet he still looks just as good in those tight pants as he did before I was born. That was an odd sentence to type. Usually I'm not too high up on tight pants on the lads, but mainly because I live in Nashville and all of the hipsters wear skintight girls' jeans in smaller sizes than I do. Note to hipster boys, if you wear a smaller size pants than a girl, the chance of getting into her real pants decreases immensely. Jon is also an entertainer, so that makes me think he's a people pleaser. Usually that's my role. I like to do things to make people happy. So it would be nice to have a night of Jon Bon Jovi going out of his way to make me happy. Although the fact that my cat is named Bon Jovi would make things a liiiiittle awkward. Oh well. We'd just either have to go to Jon's hotel or BJcat would need to go visit someone else for the night.
3.) Matthew Gray Gubler.
A lot of you may not know who this is. He's the nerdy guy (yet way to good looking to be an actual nerd) on CBS's Criminal Minds. It also shouldn't surprise anyone on here that I'm a sucker for nerds...mainly because I am one. And the best part is that he's a nerd in real life too. We could discuss the ins and outs of Harry Potter's invisibility cloak, toast eachother with butterbeer, and then create our own magic for the rest of the night...which of course, involveds testing the latest Weasley Wizard Wheezes and spying on people with the Marauder's Map. In case you're reading, mom. But I think I would enjoy talking to him most of all. I love talking with intelligent people. Or even just passionate people. They always have the best conversations. And that's the main purpose of a Freebie Five night, right?
4.) Gabriel Macht a.k.a. Harvey Spector.
The hottest fake Manhattan lawyer alive, Harvey Spector knocks his opponents for a loop each week (during the Spring and Fall seasons) of USA Network's Suits. Speaking of suits, I read a quote the other day that said something like a well tailored suit on a man is the equivalent of sexy lingerie on a woman. Damn right it is, and Harvey's suits are very well tailored. I bet if dude gained two pouds they'd have to re-do his whole wardrobe. There's just something about a suit that immediately makes a mediocre guy look at least four points better. Guys should wear suits out to the bars all the time. They'd take so many more girls home. Anyway, Gabriel/Harvey is more of my typical type: dark hair, a bit more rugged, and confident. Bordering on asshole. Sadly, my past interests have veered way too far toward the asshole end of the spectrum, but Gabriel/Harvey is just charming enough for me to overlook it for a night.
5.) Johnny Depp.
However, there's a stipulation to this one that you're going to think is pretty weird. He needs to be dressed in his Jack Sparrow costume. Because otherwise all of that man-bling he has been sporting lately is a huge turn-off. But, if he's in his pirate outfit, mumbling in that adorable/slightly intelligible British accent of his, I could definitely get down with that. If women have to dress in French Maid and Sexy Firefighter outfits to impress their man/lady for a night, then darn it, Johnny Depp can get in character for a few hours for me.
Women Who Should Be On Every Guy's Freebie Five List
1.) Mila Kunis.
And not just because some men's magazine named her the sexiest woman alive or whatever. She is hot. She's like girl next door hot, but you know once you actually go next door and get into her room she's even hotter. Plus, she's funny. We need more funny women in the world. I could totally get down with my future husband having a Freebie Five night with her. I'd almost be mad at him if he turned her down.
2.) Piper Perabo.
Many of you might remember her as the Coyote Ugly girl, but she's currently most well-known for her role as Annie Walker on Covert Affairs. I would be totally okay with my significant other having a night with her because I bet she'd slap him around a little, seeing as how she plays a super kick-ass spy. He might need someone to put him back in his place after getting the opportunity to spend the night with an incredibly attractive woman.
3.) Zoe Saldana.
I just think she's gorgeous. And she looks very graceful. Not that I think many men would care about this, but I think because of her more shy demeanor it would seem less sleazy that your man was stepping out on you for a night. Like if he went home with Pamela Anderson you'd be all like, "Ew. Get tested." But Zoe Saldana? You'd be like, "Aw, honey, (side note, I hate that pet name) did you have a good time? She seems like such a nice girl." A Freebie Five night and no guilt from the missus? Win and win.
4.) Scarlet Johanssen.
Again, because she's hot. And she's not as untainable hot as so many women out there. Girl has curves and she gives normal ladies hope that they too could look like her one day. She's also intelligent and athletic, so she could give both your mind and your body a workout. She could probably pin your guy in a chokehold (if she's channeling her Avengers role as Black Widow) but hey, he could totally be into that. And, she looks really good as a redhead. Bonus points.
5.) Sophia Vergara.
Again...and again...because she's hot. I mean, God does not give many people the figure she has been blessed with so gentlemen, if you get the chance, get on that...literally and figuratively. She's got that spicy Latin flair, an enormous amount of confidence, and likes to wear tight, yet tasteful clothing. Have at it.
I am sure people will disagree, mainly with the Freebie Five list for guys. But, it's my blog, so what I say goes. Enjoy your Wednesday, and start creating your own Freebie Five lists. It's important to have them and share them in advance with your partner so if the opportunity ever arises to actually fulfill a night with one of the people on your list, you don't have to explain the rules and you can just get down to business.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Nickelback & Spin Class Do Not Mix
Now, I may not always look like it (damn sea salt & vinegar potato chips) but I have been to hundreds of spin classes in my life...maybe thousands! Okay, so definitely not thousands, but I really like to exaggerate sometimes. So last night I go to my regular Wednesday night class with the hardcore teacher (the one that said if you want to have fun, go to Zumba, not spin...but now Zumba is called Dance It Out, or DIO...which is weird...but I'm veering off topic.) I get there super early because I'm dreading the rush of newbies that always come out of the woodwork around the new year. Luckily, I guess the hardcore teacher's reputation precedes her and there are only two new people in the class and neither of them try to steal my bike. I'm warming up when the teacher comes in...and it's not the hardcore girl. Hardcore girl is still on vacation and we have a sub.
I hate subs.
I go to this class because I know what kind of workout I'm going to get. I know I'm going to leave dripping sweat and looking blotchy, but I also know that I have burned a shit ton of calories. The last time I had a sub in spin class, the dude didn't even get on the bike! He just walked around and said motivating phrases like "Yes! You've got this! Use your power!" Um...if you can't sit on the bike for 45 minutes, why the heck should I listen to you? People seemed to know this instructor, however, so I wasn't too worried. Apparently they taught some of the 9:30 classes that I can't go to because of work, so I started feeling more confident in her teaching abilities. Then....it happened.
She started playing Nickelback.
There are few songs less motivating to me than Nickelback songs. Spin class can be torture enough without having to listen to Chad Kroeger (I'm ashamed that I even know the name of th lead singer of that band) wail and pretend to be a rockstar for four minutes. I hope that I'll only have to listen to one awful song choice, but no...80% of the songs were terrible...which makes the class seem even longer than it really is. The last song before cool down was "Some Nights" by fun (yes, it's lowercase. I googled it.) and I was thinking to myself "No, this has not been fun!"
Because I'm sure all of the spin instructors in America read this blog, I have taken time out of my busy schedule to compile a list of six songs that should be included in every spin class and six songs that should never ever ever ever be included in a spin class. You're welcome.
Please include:
1. Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day. Now this might seem like an odd selection, but bear with me. You need to pick music based on what you are requiring your spinners to do. This song is perfect for a climb. The beat is steady, the music builds over time, and there are no random stop/starts that would throw you off of your pedal rhythym. A fine choice.
2. Sexyback by Justin Timerlake. Another great climbing song because of it's steady beat. And you have drug your fat butt to spin class...of course you're trying to get your sexy back.
3. Poker Face by Lady Gaga. This is a great song for jumps, which are the bane of my existence. For those of you who don't spin, a jump is when you go from the seated position to a standing position, and back down to a seated position in quick succession. You can be up for four counts, down for four counts, or the more grueling, up one count down one count combination. Either way, it works your muscles and it can be torture if you're tired. But, again, you did not come to class to have fun, you came to work. Poker Face has a good beat for jumps and it's not that long of a song...which is helpful when your legs are killing you and threatening a mutiny if you do one more damn jump.
4. Hips Don't Lie by Shakira. It's always nice to bring a little Latin flava (am I too white to say that? Probably.) into your workout. Plus, when you're slaving away on the bike, there are few things more motivating than picturing yourself with Shakira's hips. Unless you're a guy. But some guys might like that too. Another great song for jumps. Moving on.
5. Eye of the Tiger. Probably cliched, but it works every time. This song is great for sprints. I love sprints. My legs burn afterwards and I'm exhausted, but I really feel like I am working hard. Plus, after I'm done, I feel victorious. Much like I would assume Rocky felt after winning a fight. But I haven't seen any of those movies, so I really have no clue.
6. U + Ur Hand by P!nk. It made my grammar senses tingle to even write that. I feel like I will never hear this song at the YMCA since HHHJ's are probably frowned upon by the YMCA (shout out to my friend J for this acronym!) but it's still a great song to sprint to. I took a few classes at a fancy gym on a whim (rhyme!)...and because I could get three free (rhyme again!) and they played this song during sprints. The music is angry and great for putting all of your energy into pedaling nowhere as fast as you can.
Never include:
1. Arms of an Angel by Sarah McLachlan. Yes, someone seriously played this in a class once for the cool down. The ASPCA song. I almost started crying when it came on. Not only was I physically exhausted but you want to make me emotionally exhausted too? Bad form, YMCA, bad form.
2. Anything Enya. Because music you hear during yoga class is never inspiring for spin class.
3. Hey There Delilah by the Plain White T's. It's just not a good song. Maybe it's a personal preference, but I never liked it. The song is kind of creepy and the guy singing it sounds whiny. This is another song that makes my workout torture because not only am I waiting for the spin sequence to be over, I'm waiting for the song to be over too.
4. Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely by the Backstreet Boys. This was played during a spin class at 6:00 p.m. on a Friday night. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my some boy bands. But shouldn't I be applauded for coming to work out during the beginning of my weekend instead of being reminded that I am available to come to said spin class because I don't have a boyfriend to take me to dinner on Friday night? Even the YMCA is against single people.
5. Baby Baby Baby by Justin Bieber. It gets stuck in your head, it's a bad song, and I can't stand Justin Bieber. That's the trifecta of NO.
6. YMCA by the Village People. Just because I'm at the YMCA does not mean I want to hear the song. Okthanksbye.
Happy New Year from the Second Favorite Redhead! I look forward to sharing more of my thoughts, views, and ridiculous stories with you in 2013!
I hate subs.
I go to this class because I know what kind of workout I'm going to get. I know I'm going to leave dripping sweat and looking blotchy, but I also know that I have burned a shit ton of calories. The last time I had a sub in spin class, the dude didn't even get on the bike! He just walked around and said motivating phrases like "Yes! You've got this! Use your power!" Um...if you can't sit on the bike for 45 minutes, why the heck should I listen to you? People seemed to know this instructor, however, so I wasn't too worried. Apparently they taught some of the 9:30 classes that I can't go to because of work, so I started feeling more confident in her teaching abilities. Then....it happened.
She started playing Nickelback.
There are few songs less motivating to me than Nickelback songs. Spin class can be torture enough without having to listen to Chad Kroeger (I'm ashamed that I even know the name of th lead singer of that band) wail and pretend to be a rockstar for four minutes. I hope that I'll only have to listen to one awful song choice, but no...80% of the songs were terrible...which makes the class seem even longer than it really is. The last song before cool down was "Some Nights" by fun (yes, it's lowercase. I googled it.) and I was thinking to myself "No, this has not been fun!"
Because I'm sure all of the spin instructors in America read this blog, I have taken time out of my busy schedule to compile a list of six songs that should be included in every spin class and six songs that should never ever ever ever be included in a spin class. You're welcome.
Please include:
1. Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day. Now this might seem like an odd selection, but bear with me. You need to pick music based on what you are requiring your spinners to do. This song is perfect for a climb. The beat is steady, the music builds over time, and there are no random stop/starts that would throw you off of your pedal rhythym. A fine choice.
2. Sexyback by Justin Timerlake. Another great climbing song because of it's steady beat. And you have drug your fat butt to spin class...of course you're trying to get your sexy back.
3. Poker Face by Lady Gaga. This is a great song for jumps, which are the bane of my existence. For those of you who don't spin, a jump is when you go from the seated position to a standing position, and back down to a seated position in quick succession. You can be up for four counts, down for four counts, or the more grueling, up one count down one count combination. Either way, it works your muscles and it can be torture if you're tired. But, again, you did not come to class to have fun, you came to work. Poker Face has a good beat for jumps and it's not that long of a song...which is helpful when your legs are killing you and threatening a mutiny if you do one more damn jump.
4. Hips Don't Lie by Shakira. It's always nice to bring a little Latin flava (am I too white to say that? Probably.) into your workout. Plus, when you're slaving away on the bike, there are few things more motivating than picturing yourself with Shakira's hips. Unless you're a guy. But some guys might like that too. Another great song for jumps. Moving on.
5. Eye of the Tiger. Probably cliched, but it works every time. This song is great for sprints. I love sprints. My legs burn afterwards and I'm exhausted, but I really feel like I am working hard. Plus, after I'm done, I feel victorious. Much like I would assume Rocky felt after winning a fight. But I haven't seen any of those movies, so I really have no clue.
6. U + Ur Hand by P!nk. It made my grammar senses tingle to even write that. I feel like I will never hear this song at the YMCA since HHHJ's are probably frowned upon by the YMCA (shout out to my friend J for this acronym!) but it's still a great song to sprint to. I took a few classes at a fancy gym on a whim (rhyme!)...and because I could get three free (rhyme again!) and they played this song during sprints. The music is angry and great for putting all of your energy into pedaling nowhere as fast as you can.
Never include:
1. Arms of an Angel by Sarah McLachlan. Yes, someone seriously played this in a class once for the cool down. The ASPCA song. I almost started crying when it came on. Not only was I physically exhausted but you want to make me emotionally exhausted too? Bad form, YMCA, bad form.
2. Anything Enya. Because music you hear during yoga class is never inspiring for spin class.
3. Hey There Delilah by the Plain White T's. It's just not a good song. Maybe it's a personal preference, but I never liked it. The song is kind of creepy and the guy singing it sounds whiny. This is another song that makes my workout torture because not only am I waiting for the spin sequence to be over, I'm waiting for the song to be over too.
4. Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely by the Backstreet Boys. This was played during a spin class at 6:00 p.m. on a Friday night. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my some boy bands. But shouldn't I be applauded for coming to work out during the beginning of my weekend instead of being reminded that I am available to come to said spin class because I don't have a boyfriend to take me to dinner on Friday night? Even the YMCA is against single people.
5. Baby Baby Baby by Justin Bieber. It gets stuck in your head, it's a bad song, and I can't stand Justin Bieber. That's the trifecta of NO.
6. YMCA by the Village People. Just because I'm at the YMCA does not mean I want to hear the song. Okthanksbye.
Happy New Year from the Second Favorite Redhead! I look forward to sharing more of my thoughts, views, and ridiculous stories with you in 2013!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Regrets & Missed Opportunities
Happy Almost 2013 readers!
I suppose it is only natural for people (probably mostly ladies) to take the last few days of the year to reflect on where they are in life and where they'd like to be. And they probably mostly dwell on things they regret in life, because we women tend to focus on the negative a bit more than we focus on the positive. Or, at least, I do. I don't really believe people when they say they have no regrets in life. I mean, really? There isn't one thing in your entire existence that you regret doing? Well then your life must be reeeeally boring.
Yes, I believe my past experiences have made me into the person I am today, but I think I could still be the person I am today without having made the brilliant decision at one college house party to chase shots of Jack Daniels with Jack & Cokes, you know what I mean? I regret things like being mean to a kid in Middle School just because everyone else was, I regret kissing another guy while I was dating my college boyfriend (the guy happened to be his little brother in his fraternity...talk about scandal!), and I regret several outfit choices over the years (um, skirts over jeans? why?).
For some reason this year I'm thinking more about missed opportunities than regrets. Like that job offer I got that would have taken me across the country where I didn't know anyone that I decided not to pursue. Or that really nice guy that asked me out a while ago and I said no and now I see how happy he is with his new girlfriend and how wonderful he treats her. Or hell, even missed opportunities like passing up on ordering an amazing sounding one time dinner special.
At the time, I had reasons for turning down all of these opportunities. I turned down the opportunity in Seattle because I'm an only child and my parents are aging, and not aging well, unfortunately. I didn't want to be across the country if something went wrong. But how great would it be to just uproot everything and go somewhere new? Don't get me wrong. I love my life here in Nashville. My friends are amazing, I like my apartment, and I have a great job. But I've been here for almost 10 years and I think I'm in a rut. So, if my life is pretty much the same this time next year, I've made the decision to move. Where? I have no clue. I've already started preparing the parentals for this and needless to say, one of them is not happy. The other one doesn't really care. I'll let you guess which is which. So instead of celebrating my 29th birthday party next year, you might be celebrating a going away party...who knows!
I turned down the guy because I thought he was "too nice" (yes, apparently there really are girls that actually do that) and thought I was too jaded and cynical for him. And now I see how happy he is with his new girlfriend, how happy he makes her, and how well he treats her. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them because I like them both very much, but I do feel sad at the fact that it maybe could have been me who has a sweet guy that treats me like I hung the moon...or at least a few stars. So maybe I need to stop being so jaded, cynical, and believing that every man I let in my life is going to let me down. I frequently complain that my mother doesn't allow herself to be happy and that I refuse to be like that...but maybe I'm more like that than I thought...shudder. Yes, must work on that.
And I turned down the amazing sounding dinner special because I was planning on wearing my skinny jeans the next day and wanted to look good in them...as if one meal really makes that much difference. So I ordered a salad. That wasn't even good. And I didn't even end up going to the party where I was going to wear said jeans. Eff. I missed out on that amazing food for nothing. And if you know me, I extremely dislike missing out on good food.
I don't really have a good ending to this post. I sat down to write with every intention of finishing the post I've been working on about weddings, but this is what wanted to come out, and who am I to argue with my writing muse?
I hope everyone has a safe and super extremely fun New Year's Eve and New Year's Day! Don't drink & drive, don't overo it, and don't make out with someone ugly!
I suppose it is only natural for people (probably mostly ladies) to take the last few days of the year to reflect on where they are in life and where they'd like to be. And they probably mostly dwell on things they regret in life, because we women tend to focus on the negative a bit more than we focus on the positive. Or, at least, I do. I don't really believe people when they say they have no regrets in life. I mean, really? There isn't one thing in your entire existence that you regret doing? Well then your life must be reeeeally boring.
Yes, I believe my past experiences have made me into the person I am today, but I think I could still be the person I am today without having made the brilliant decision at one college house party to chase shots of Jack Daniels with Jack & Cokes, you know what I mean? I regret things like being mean to a kid in Middle School just because everyone else was, I regret kissing another guy while I was dating my college boyfriend (the guy happened to be his little brother in his fraternity...talk about scandal!), and I regret several outfit choices over the years (um, skirts over jeans? why?).
For some reason this year I'm thinking more about missed opportunities than regrets. Like that job offer I got that would have taken me across the country where I didn't know anyone that I decided not to pursue. Or that really nice guy that asked me out a while ago and I said no and now I see how happy he is with his new girlfriend and how wonderful he treats her. Or hell, even missed opportunities like passing up on ordering an amazing sounding one time dinner special.
At the time, I had reasons for turning down all of these opportunities. I turned down the opportunity in Seattle because I'm an only child and my parents are aging, and not aging well, unfortunately. I didn't want to be across the country if something went wrong. But how great would it be to just uproot everything and go somewhere new? Don't get me wrong. I love my life here in Nashville. My friends are amazing, I like my apartment, and I have a great job. But I've been here for almost 10 years and I think I'm in a rut. So, if my life is pretty much the same this time next year, I've made the decision to move. Where? I have no clue. I've already started preparing the parentals for this and needless to say, one of them is not happy. The other one doesn't really care. I'll let you guess which is which. So instead of celebrating my 29th birthday party next year, you might be celebrating a going away party...who knows!
I turned down the guy because I thought he was "too nice" (yes, apparently there really are girls that actually do that) and thought I was too jaded and cynical for him. And now I see how happy he is with his new girlfriend, how happy he makes her, and how well he treats her. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them because I like them both very much, but I do feel sad at the fact that it maybe could have been me who has a sweet guy that treats me like I hung the moon...or at least a few stars. So maybe I need to stop being so jaded, cynical, and believing that every man I let in my life is going to let me down. I frequently complain that my mother doesn't allow herself to be happy and that I refuse to be like that...but maybe I'm more like that than I thought...shudder. Yes, must work on that.
And I turned down the amazing sounding dinner special because I was planning on wearing my skinny jeans the next day and wanted to look good in them...as if one meal really makes that much difference. So I ordered a salad. That wasn't even good. And I didn't even end up going to the party where I was going to wear said jeans. Eff. I missed out on that amazing food for nothing. And if you know me, I extremely dislike missing out on good food.
I don't really have a good ending to this post. I sat down to write with every intention of finishing the post I've been working on about weddings, but this is what wanted to come out, and who am I to argue with my writing muse?
I hope everyone has a safe and super extremely fun New Year's Eve and New Year's Day! Don't drink & drive, don't overo it, and don't make out with someone ugly!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
New Year's Resolutions
Well, it's almost that time of year again. Time for the majority of people to make a promise to themselves and others they can't keep. No, I'm not talking about taking vows at a wedding. I am talking about New Year's Resolutions. Those statements you stick with for about three weeks, if you're really dedicated, and conveniently forget you made by February 1st. Below I have listed some of the most common NYRs and provided my thoughts about each one.
"This year, I'm going to lose weight."
You probably won't. Although I admire those people who make a commitment to personal fitness, my admiration quickly evaporates when I come into spin class and someone is sitting on my favorite bike. I explain my behavior by my upbrining: I was raised Southern Baptist. Every Sunday you park in the same spot and sit in the same pew. If someone is in your spot or pew, you immediately know they are a visitor. There was this one older lady at my church that would leave notes on people's cars saying "I know you must be a visitor, but I've been parking in this spot for 43 years." Well that's welcoming. And people wonder why I don't like church.
Anyway, people will hit the gym hard for a few weeks, resulting in sore asses from spin class, sore calves from zumba-ing all over the place, and most likely a pulled muscle or two from attempting advanced yoga when they were clearly beginners. Then, you'll see less and less new faces at the gym, usually starting around the first week of February. February is always effing cold (I picked a great month to be born in) and it's hard to leave your house when it's so damn cold. The excuses pile up until the only form of exercise you get is watching The Biggest Loser while eating low sodium potato chips and diet coke. Or by watching P90X movies. Like my friend M does.
"I want to quit smoking/drinking/doing drugs/being a whore/etc."
This is one I actually applaud. Mainly because I dislike smoking, drugs (not that I've ever done any but I remember my D.A.R.E. classes from school), and people being whores. Drinking, I'm fine with, as long as you can control it. This resolution is hard though because I feel like you have to have some major turning point in your life before you really decide to quit these behaviors. I really don't want anyone to set themselves on fire on accident with their lighter, get hurt while doing something drunk, overdosing, or looking up and seeing "For a good time call __________" (insert the name of someone I know) on a bathroom stall. So let's resolve to not have a major crisis and just decide one day, hey, this behavior is potentially threatening my life/well-being/others/dignity, let's cut this shit out.
"This is the year I'm going to meet the man/woman I'm going to marry."
Yeah. Because you really have control over that. Although, I'm pretty sure my mom does a ritualistic chant each New Year at midnight, hoping that this will finally be the year she marries me off. I don't know what goes through people's heads when they decide this is the year I'm getting married. Personally, I think there are few things scarier than a woman on the prowl for a husband. They are desperate, lower their standards, and usually wear way too much perfume. They also usually end up booking their dream wedding venue and buying a dress...with no groom. I don't see how those Say Yes to the Dress people keep a straight face sometimes. Guys looking for a wife, however, have it so easy. Just walk up to a group of girls, point at one, and bam...you have your future ex-wife.
"This year I'm going to be a nicer person."
If you say something like this, then you really aren't that bad of a person to begin with. Because a true bitch would not care. You're safe. Move onto something else.
"My New Year's Resolution is to not make a New Year's Resolution."
This is about as funny as the "Working hard or hardly working?" line. Just, no.
So instead of making a NYR, I'm going to provide a list of 10 things I would like to happen in 2013. If they do, great. If they don't, great. If I can get 6/10 I'll call 2013 a success.
1. Get my first tattoo (happy birthday to me!)
2. Get a promotion
3. Travel to three places I have never been
4. Finish one of the books I'm writing
5. Make new friends
6. Buy a house
7. Learn how to make cheese (I'm so serious about this.)
8. Learn how to sew more than just buttons
9. Volunteer at least 5 times
10. Learn when to shut up (this will likely never happen)
"This year, I'm going to lose weight."
You probably won't. Although I admire those people who make a commitment to personal fitness, my admiration quickly evaporates when I come into spin class and someone is sitting on my favorite bike. I explain my behavior by my upbrining: I was raised Southern Baptist. Every Sunday you park in the same spot and sit in the same pew. If someone is in your spot or pew, you immediately know they are a visitor. There was this one older lady at my church that would leave notes on people's cars saying "I know you must be a visitor, but I've been parking in this spot for 43 years." Well that's welcoming. And people wonder why I don't like church.
Anyway, people will hit the gym hard for a few weeks, resulting in sore asses from spin class, sore calves from zumba-ing all over the place, and most likely a pulled muscle or two from attempting advanced yoga when they were clearly beginners. Then, you'll see less and less new faces at the gym, usually starting around the first week of February. February is always effing cold (I picked a great month to be born in) and it's hard to leave your house when it's so damn cold. The excuses pile up until the only form of exercise you get is watching The Biggest Loser while eating low sodium potato chips and diet coke. Or by watching P90X movies. Like my friend M does.
"I want to quit smoking/drinking/doing drugs/being a whore/etc."
This is one I actually applaud. Mainly because I dislike smoking, drugs (not that I've ever done any but I remember my D.A.R.E. classes from school), and people being whores. Drinking, I'm fine with, as long as you can control it. This resolution is hard though because I feel like you have to have some major turning point in your life before you really decide to quit these behaviors. I really don't want anyone to set themselves on fire on accident with their lighter, get hurt while doing something drunk, overdosing, or looking up and seeing "For a good time call __________" (insert the name of someone I know) on a bathroom stall. So let's resolve to not have a major crisis and just decide one day, hey, this behavior is potentially threatening my life/well-being/others/dignity, let's cut this shit out.
"This is the year I'm going to meet the man/woman I'm going to marry."
Yeah. Because you really have control over that. Although, I'm pretty sure my mom does a ritualistic chant each New Year at midnight, hoping that this will finally be the year she marries me off. I don't know what goes through people's heads when they decide this is the year I'm getting married. Personally, I think there are few things scarier than a woman on the prowl for a husband. They are desperate, lower their standards, and usually wear way too much perfume. They also usually end up booking their dream wedding venue and buying a dress...with no groom. I don't see how those Say Yes to the Dress people keep a straight face sometimes. Guys looking for a wife, however, have it so easy. Just walk up to a group of girls, point at one, and bam...you have your future ex-wife.
"This year I'm going to be a nicer person."
If you say something like this, then you really aren't that bad of a person to begin with. Because a true bitch would not care. You're safe. Move onto something else.
"My New Year's Resolution is to not make a New Year's Resolution."
This is about as funny as the "Working hard or hardly working?" line. Just, no.
So instead of making a NYR, I'm going to provide a list of 10 things I would like to happen in 2013. If they do, great. If they don't, great. If I can get 6/10 I'll call 2013 a success.
1. Get my first tattoo (happy birthday to me!)
2. Get a promotion
3. Travel to three places I have never been
4. Finish one of the books I'm writing
5. Make new friends
6. Buy a house
7. Learn how to make cheese (I'm so serious about this.)
8. Learn how to sew more than just buttons
9. Volunteer at least 5 times
10. Learn when to shut up (this will likely never happen)
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
25 Days of Christmas...in One Day
So I don't really think the point of the 25 Days of Christmas is to list something that you want for Christmas each day, but that's what I'm going to do. Well, I'm going to post 25 things I want in one day because, as I have mentioned before, I have a problem with commitment and know I can't stick to listing a new thing every day. The real point of the 25 Days of Christmas is for Lifetime and the Hallmark Channel to make shitty holiday movies that give former stars of the 90s a paycheck. Seriously. I saw Jessie Spano in one the other day while I was flipping channels. What do you want to bet she wasn't "So excited! So excited...so...so...SCARED" about that gig?
So here's my Christmas list. I will accept any and/or all items gladly. I'm probably not getting you anything, but it's better to give than to receive, right? Well, some things are...zing!
1.) A new set of knives. I still use the same cutlery from college. Plus, if someone breaks in and tries to steal my tv, I will be in need of something with which to stab them that will actually puncture the skin.
2.) A food processor. I spend an enormous amount of money on hummus. I need to be able to make my own.
3.) Ryan Gosling's phone number. I mean, does this even need an explanation? He can "hey girl" me anytime.
4.) A wand from Harry Potter World. Although, the wand chooses the wizard, so you should just take me to Harry Potter World to be safe.
5.) A step stool. Because vaulting myself onto my washer and dryer in order to obtain my detergent is getting really old.
6.) A rescue dog. I will name him Captain Jack Sparrow. And yes, I will call him by his full name every time. If it's a girl, I will name her Calamity Jane.
7.) An assistant. Because I'm pretty important, I don't like listening to voicemails, and I would like to have someone to fold my laundry.
8.) A driver. I don't hate driving, but I do hate parking. Especially parallel parking. I don't do it. I make other people in the car get out and switch places for me. Seriously. It's happened.
9.) An LL Bean boyfriend. (see http://yourllbeanboyfriend.tumblr.com/) Because he will build you a table and then have sex with you on top of it. I could probably end the list here because that's a pretty perfect world right there.
10.) UK season basketball tickets for life. I don't care if they're in the last row. Rupp Arena is the best place on Earth, with Keeneland coming in at a close second.
11.) A wink from Archie Goodwin. I'd also accept one from Randal Cobb because he has dreamy eyes.
12.) A teleporter. So I could go and hang out with my Chicago friends at Sidetrax on the weekends.
13.) A Carrie Bradshaw penthouse closet. I don't need the actual penthouse apartment, because I would be fine living in the closet. I'm not going to ask for an entire apartment. Do you think I'm that greedy?
14.) World peace. I feel like I had to say that.
15.) A signed copy of Harry Potter. Signed by J.K. Rowling, not some random person I don't care about. I say this, because a relative thought it would be funny to get me a signed picture of a UK basketball player one time, and I got really excited, until I saw that he signed it instead of the player. I was not amused.
16.) An invisibility cloak. There are lots of Harry Potter items on this list. Shocking, I know.
17.) A Burberry coat. Since mine got stolen.
18.) Elliot Stabler. I mean, no man has ever made a receding hairline look so damn good.
19.) A DVD player. Because the only one I have is in my bedroom and it's part of my tv. I want one for my big tv so I can pause it on a screenshot of Ryan Gosling. Shirtless.
20.) A bajillion dollars. I think I could live comfortably on that.
21.) A Denny's restaurant nearby. Because I really like their buffalo chicken sandwich.
22.) An island. If Johnny Depp can have one, so can I. JD is always invited to my island. You're probably not.
23.) A date with Prince Harry. Because I like redheads, I feel like he would make me laugh, and I can just imagine the Queen's reaction to the kind of person I am after reading my blog. Outwardly she'd be appalled, inwardly she'd be impressed.
24.) A sword. Because I think it would be really fun to open champagne bottles with a sword. And classy. But mostly, way fun.
25.) A star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Because I plan on being famous someday. With my luck though it'll be for something stupid, like dying in a ridiculous way or getting hit with some random object and becoming a Youtube sensation or Tumblr meme.
Don't fight all at once over who is going to get me what.
Till next time...
So here's my Christmas list. I will accept any and/or all items gladly. I'm probably not getting you anything, but it's better to give than to receive, right? Well, some things are...zing!
1.) A new set of knives. I still use the same cutlery from college. Plus, if someone breaks in and tries to steal my tv, I will be in need of something with which to stab them that will actually puncture the skin.
2.) A food processor. I spend an enormous amount of money on hummus. I need to be able to make my own.
3.) Ryan Gosling's phone number. I mean, does this even need an explanation? He can "hey girl" me anytime.
4.) A wand from Harry Potter World. Although, the wand chooses the wizard, so you should just take me to Harry Potter World to be safe.
5.) A step stool. Because vaulting myself onto my washer and dryer in order to obtain my detergent is getting really old.
6.) A rescue dog. I will name him Captain Jack Sparrow. And yes, I will call him by his full name every time. If it's a girl, I will name her Calamity Jane.
7.) An assistant. Because I'm pretty important, I don't like listening to voicemails, and I would like to have someone to fold my laundry.
8.) A driver. I don't hate driving, but I do hate parking. Especially parallel parking. I don't do it. I make other people in the car get out and switch places for me. Seriously. It's happened.
9.) An LL Bean boyfriend. (see http://yourllbeanboyfriend.tumblr.com/) Because he will build you a table and then have sex with you on top of it. I could probably end the list here because that's a pretty perfect world right there.
10.) UK season basketball tickets for life. I don't care if they're in the last row. Rupp Arena is the best place on Earth, with Keeneland coming in at a close second.
11.) A wink from Archie Goodwin. I'd also accept one from Randal Cobb because he has dreamy eyes.
12.) A teleporter. So I could go and hang out with my Chicago friends at Sidetrax on the weekends.
13.) A Carrie Bradshaw penthouse closet. I don't need the actual penthouse apartment, because I would be fine living in the closet. I'm not going to ask for an entire apartment. Do you think I'm that greedy?
14.) World peace. I feel like I had to say that.
15.) A signed copy of Harry Potter. Signed by J.K. Rowling, not some random person I don't care about. I say this, because a relative thought it would be funny to get me a signed picture of a UK basketball player one time, and I got really excited, until I saw that he signed it instead of the player. I was not amused.
16.) An invisibility cloak. There are lots of Harry Potter items on this list. Shocking, I know.
17.) A Burberry coat. Since mine got stolen.
18.) Elliot Stabler. I mean, no man has ever made a receding hairline look so damn good.
19.) A DVD player. Because the only one I have is in my bedroom and it's part of my tv. I want one for my big tv so I can pause it on a screenshot of Ryan Gosling. Shirtless.
20.) A bajillion dollars. I think I could live comfortably on that.
21.) A Denny's restaurant nearby. Because I really like their buffalo chicken sandwich.
22.) An island. If Johnny Depp can have one, so can I. JD is always invited to my island. You're probably not.
23.) A date with Prince Harry. Because I like redheads, I feel like he would make me laugh, and I can just imagine the Queen's reaction to the kind of person I am after reading my blog. Outwardly she'd be appalled, inwardly she'd be impressed.
24.) A sword. Because I think it would be really fun to open champagne bottles with a sword. And classy. But mostly, way fun.
25.) A star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Because I plan on being famous someday. With my luck though it'll be for something stupid, like dying in a ridiculous way or getting hit with some random object and becoming a Youtube sensation or Tumblr meme.
Don't fight all at once over who is going to get me what.
Till next time...
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